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Fat And Stressed And Just Generally Sad Tuesday

Yesterday was a weird day. I just felt off all day, and like I was in permanent-scowl mode. And then I unloaded something a tad emotionally raw on Twitter that I phrased horribly and immediately warranted responses that basically were like, “The word choice there is awful and it struck this emotional cord with me:” which did NOT help my raw emotions at all and then…and THEN…GLEE did a damn TTC storyline that made anyone who ever struggled with fertility want to throw their television out the window.

SO! Can we guess what happened? I ATE ALL OF THE FOOD!

I then had a dream that I got shot in the head. It was really weird. I remember the dream vividly and you know what? Getting shot in the head didn’t hurt as bad as I thought it would. Weird.

Just sometimes we have bad days, right? Part of this whole Learning To Embrace My Imperfections thing is realizing that you can NOT have 100% good days where you eat right, parent right, wife right, and work right for the entire day. IT DOES NOT HAPPEN. You can not set those kind of goals.

And I know that LOGICALLY, but emotionally I keep tally marks in my head. It’s like having a sign at work that says, “It Has Been X Amount Of Days Since Kim Has Had A Bad Day.”

And y’all? I really keep a tally, like I kinda know what my longest stretch of “good days” was and when I don’t make it that long before having a bad one? I get really sad. WHICH IS SO DUMB. You can NEVER have an endless streak of “good days” – HELL! ONE good day where everything feels right at bedtime? Should be celebrated because THAT IS REALLY HARD.

So. I had a bad day. I need to get the hell over it. But mainly? I need to quit keeping track of how long my stretches of good days are.

Do you do that? Keep track of how many “good” days you’ve had in a row? Just me then?

6 thoughts on “Fat And Stressed And Just Generally Sad Tuesday”

  1. There actually a school of thought that says if you keep track of the number if days you’ve done something it helps you continue to keep doing it so that you don’t “break the chain.” But if it makes you anxious or down on yourself when you miss a day, maybe it’s not the right way to motivate yourself. The trick is to just get started on a new chain right away when you miss. Easier said then done though definitely!

  2. Really? Some people thing it can bee good to keep track? In my situation it seems so pointless because to me it means the goal is to NEVER BREAK THE CHAIN and that’s an entirely unrealistic goal, right? And it seems to me like it nullifies the value of the previous good days as soon as I have a bad one. Keeping track of the good days seems really non-productive to me. But maybe it’s the way I keep track, and the way I look at it all, the view I have etc.

  3. Yesterday I ate an entire bag of peanut butter m&ms, although I did it in small spurts so it didn’t seem so ridiculous. In itself, it probably wouldn’t be so bad, except I also downed a bag of salt and vinegar kettle chips, two krispy kremes, and half a bag of cheddar goldfish. On top of the regular food I ate as a part of meals because I was pretending to myself that I wasn’t eating everything I could lay a hand on.

    It’s hard, having an anxiety disorder whose biggest relief comes in the form of carbohydrates loaded with salt or sugar. I eat like this all the time. I do really, really well for 3 or 4 days, and then I have a day or two where I eat so many things. SO many. And I feel like ass, and then promise myself I’ll be better, and then I am. And then not.

    I’m not huge, but I’m not at my best either. I’ve reached mediocrity at its finest, and the fact that I work out daily doesn’t matter because you can’t see results underneath the effects of my lifetime of binge eating.

    My point? You’re not alone. It doesn’t make it suck any less, but I figured I’d share that I get it.

  4. What about rebranding (oh god I sound so corporate!) your bad days? Sometimes I think the way we look at days can sometimes have an impact on how we feel about them.

    There was a while were I was writing down my accomplishments EVERY DAY – and these were accomplishments big and small. It changed made it easier to be more positive when I had a bad day because I wasn’t just looking at the bad. Depending on the day, sometimes the accomplishment can be “got out of bed” or “took time for myself because I needed it” but it helped me change my perspective. Now I just do it when I am feeling particularly low

    Also, accomplishments conveniently fit right beneath my daily list in my bullet journal. 😉

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