Well…You CAN Think About THAT…Just Not The Other Thing.
I’ve had three good on-track days. I am repeating that over and over because I basically lost all track of all things after my marathon in early December so three good days in a row is something I need to hold on to and NOT LET GO OF.
Since that marathon I’ve gained 8.4lbs. That 8.4lbs in about 6 weeks. And I did a 50K in the middle of all of that. And I’m still running at least 20 miles on the weekends. So, let’s do that math! To gain that WITHOUT running it means I went over my daily calorie limit by 700 calories. WITH running it’s anywhere from 700 to 2000, depending on the day. EVERY DAY. FOR SIX WEEKS. That’s how you gain faster than you lose! IT IS SCIENCE.
And that 8.4lbs is so depressing because I worked SO HARD to lost a lot of that, especially the last 4-5lbs because that was all NEW weight I hadn’t lost before. I had lost/regained that first 5lbs 100 times, but the rest? BRAND NEW. And then…BAM! Its back on. Budget struggles over Christmas and the tuition issues afterwards and I have eaten non-stop for 6 weeks.
SO. Back on track for three days is a good thing.
But I can NOT let myself think more than two seconds about those 8lbs. I find myself getting REALLY upset about it. I think it’s because I had finally made progress beyond previous fail-points and that felt SO GOOD and then I lost it all and everyone keeps telling me: Just Think About Today. But that’s like telling an alcoholic, One Day At A Time. We know that’s what we’re supposed to do, logically, but our brain betrays us sometimes by thinking of the past and the failures back there laughing at us.
IT IS SO HARD not to think about the failures. Or worst…the LOST SUCCESSES.
I’m doing my best. I still have 47 days until my 12-hour run. I’d like to be BACK down to what I was by that race because I think my body can handle those hours better at a lighter weight. One Day (FORWARD) At A Time.
It’s hard because – when you’re successful – thinking about how far you’ve come is a GOOD thing. You think about where you were and how happy you are that’s behind you. I am like that about 160lb Kim for sure, I think about her often. (Remember, I’m 5’3″ – Just like to clarify when I start throwing weights out there). I’m glad I’m not THERE, so it’s hard to allow myself to do THAT, but not thinking about my marathon when I was 130lb. Which I hadn’t been since before Wesley. I have to be SELECTIVE how I view my past and that’s hard to trick myself. I have to pat myself on my back for the BIG PICTURE in changes I’ve made in my life, but just kinda glance over the early December success so I don’t cry in a corner.
This? Is why I probably should be medicated.
THREE GOOD DAYS! YAY ME!