Randomly

Just. Don’t. Think. About. It.

Well…You CAN Think About THAT…Just Not The Other Thing.

I’ve had three good on-track days. I am repeating that over and over because I basically lost all track of all things after my marathon in early December so three good days in a row is something I need to hold on to and NOT LET GO OF.

Since that marathon I’ve gained 8.4lbs. That 8.4lbs in about 6 weeks. And I did a 50K in the middle of all of that. And I’m still running at least 20 miles on the weekends. So, let’s do that math! To gain that WITHOUT running it means I went over my daily calorie limit by 700 calories. WITH running it’s anywhere from 700 to 2000, depending on the day. EVERY DAY. FOR SIX WEEKS. That’s how you gain faster than you lose! IT IS SCIENCE.

And that 8.4lbs is so depressing because I worked SO HARD to lost a lot of that, especially the last 4-5lbs because that was all NEW weight I hadn’t lost before. I had lost/regained that first 5lbs 100 times, but the rest? BRAND NEW. And then…BAM! Its back on. Budget struggles over Christmas and the tuition issues afterwards and I have eaten non-stop for 6 weeks.

SO. Back on track for three days is a good thing.

But I can NOT let myself think more than two seconds about those 8lbs. I find myself getting REALLY upset about it. I think it’s because I had finally made progress beyond previous fail-points and that felt SO GOOD and then I lost it all and everyone keeps telling me: Just Think About Today. But that’s like telling an alcoholic, One Day At A Time. We know that’s what we’re supposed to do, logically, but our brain betrays us sometimes by thinking of the past and the failures back there laughing at us.

IT IS SO HARD not to think about the failures. Or worst…the LOST SUCCESSES.

I’m doing my best. I still have 47 days until my 12-hour run. I’d like to be BACK down to what I was by that race because I think my body can handle those hours better at a lighter weight. One Day (FORWARD) At A Time.

It’s hard because – when you’re successful – thinking about how far you’ve come is a GOOD thing. You think about where you were and how happy you are that’s behind you. I am like that about 160lb Kim for sure, I think about her often. (Remember, I’m 5’3″ – Just like to clarify when I start throwing weights out there). I’m glad I’m not THERE, so it’s hard to allow myself to do THAT, but not thinking about my marathon when I was 130lb. Which I hadn’t been since before Wesley. I have to be SELECTIVE how I view my past and that’s hard to trick myself. I have to pat myself on my back for the BIG PICTURE in changes I’ve made in my life, but just kinda glance over the early December success so I don’t cry in a corner.

This? Is why I probably should be medicated.

THREE GOOD DAYS! YAY ME!

Moving forward…

5 thoughts on “Just. Don’t. Think. About. It.”

  1. When you find the magic bullet, I hope you will share generously. Because a lot of us have the same issues. I haven’t been able to run for a month now, ITB issues, too much pain. But I eat the same and Lo! the pounds! Hang in there sweetie. You are still and always an inspiration to us.

  2. I’ve just come off of a few years of disordered eating/thinking and are those few pounds really worth all of that stress? Your body is strong and healthy, you look fantastic … is it really worth taking up all that mental stress?

    I know I”m not the most articulate person but my life has greatly improved since I’ve stopped letting what a number on the scale dictate how I feel about myself.

    I can’t imagine that all of the stress your mind is putting yourself through is going to help you and it’s not worth it. This is a rhetorical question because it’s none of my business, but are these few pounds giving you a health issue? With all of that running are you sure you are eating enough calories on a regular basis? If you aren’t then you WILL binge. It’s your body’s way of trying to get calories (which is also science). Which I suspect since you lost weight so quickly.

    You’re such a great person who does so much. If you had a friend or if your daughter was in the same boat would you treat her the way you treat yourself?

    Don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s not a finish line, it’s a non-stop journey and sometimes it’s harder than others. Sometimes we stake a giant leap forward and a leap back. That’s just how it goes. See yourself as others see you :).

    All easier said than done, I know. I lost 120+ pounds and HATED MYSELF for all of my ‘flaws’. I gained 20 pounds when I stopped my disordered thinking with food and it’s SLOWLY (and I mean, slowly) coming off.

  3. We are using the Lose It app, which makes it kind of fun to track calories in and out. Especially out. It’s making my husband do a lot of housework, because he’s all “I vacuumed for 6 minutes, and that’s 4 calories!” And he actually takes the time to enter that in Lose It. Last week, Lose It awarded me the Green Giant badge, because I ate enough fruits and vegetables to fill a grocery bag.

  4. Going out on a limb here. It is kinda new agey and can be a bit weird and esoteric, but have you heard of The Secret and/or Abraham Hicks? Give Abraham (its actually a lady named Esther Hicks) a quick listen on youtube and see what you think. Anyway, she says to quit reporting on WHAT IS. and start creating what WILL BE. She says we spend way too much time telling about what is and then we just get in a cycle with that. Just a way to get your mind onto something else if nothing else!~!!

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