We went to a party last night and I’m having the same day-after reaction as I do after every social event. It’s a characteristic of my social anxieties that has become so predictable that I’m surprised it still gives me pause when it happens.
Here it is: I’m doing a lot of Hmmm-ing today.
Parties are tough on anyone with social anxieties. It takes a lot out of you from the moment you agree to go, to the moment you walk through the door. We’ve had two parties recently and I’ve gotten severe headaches before both of them simply from the stress of going. This can be a lot for some people to have to go through every time they get invited to an event or have to interact with people. This then comes as no surprise to find that some people who suffer from social anxiety may opt to use CBD anxiety capsules, to help manage their symptoms a lot better.
Because I spend at least 24 hours, sometimes more, replaying every moment from the night before in my head. And as I replay them, I find myself humiliated by many of those moments all over again. Maybe I spilled something, maybe I tripped over something, maybe I said something dumb, maybe I did ALL of those things REPEATEDLY. This is usually the case because I’m just a mess in social situations.
And with each moment that I replay in my head that I find embarrassing, I have to do SOMETHING to stop that reliving that moment so that I don’t have to feel that embarrassment again. And for me? It’s an audible, “Hmmmm…”
For example, I was making Wes breakfast and I remembered something embarrassing I said (Which is as common of an occurrence as breathing for me because I’m just a moron) and to try to stop myself from reliving the embarrassment so I said, out loud, “Hmmmm…” Wesley heard me and said, “What? Why did you say, ‘Hmmm…'”
It’s a game I’m playing with myself, Wes, to see if I can stop reliving embarrassing moments over and over again.
My embarrassing moments rank on a scale of 1-10. If it’s a “1” then that vivid feeling of humiliation that comes from reliving the moment will fade after 24-72 hours and I’ll no longer need the vocal tick to stop me from feeling the original embarrassment all over again. If it’s a “10” then I’ll still be feeling that same level of embarrassment a decade later. I have a few 10s that still produce an involuntary, “Hmmmm…” out of me when I feel my brain revisiting them.
I don’t think I had any 10s last night, thank GOD. But I had 3-5 moments that probably all rank as a 1 or a 2, so for the next few days my family will just randomly hear me say, “Hmmm…” as my brain revisits something embarrassing from last night and I try to stop myself from feeling the humiliation all over again.
And this is why I don’t like to go to social gatherings. Because they haunt me for days/decades after. Now, maybe if I wasn’t such a basketcase, I could leave a party and not have these moments trigger humiliation and verbal ticks later. But – as it is – I’m a total train wreck that leaves embarrassing moment debris wherever I go.
How about you? Do you have any social anxiety verbal ticks in your arsenal?