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Jobs I Would Totally Suck At Due To My Many Inadequacies

I’ve been watching Scandal a bit this summer and I had a dream the other night that I was a Secret Service agent for President Obama. In case I wasn’t aware of this already, the dream confirmed that I would be a sucky Secret Service agent. It got me thinking of all of the other jobs I would really suck at.

  • Secret Service For The President – I wouldn’t be able to stay quiet all day. I’d probably gossip. And I’d never take a bullet for the President if faced with that decision. I’m a giant wuss who likes to talk. It would be a bad combo for everyone involved.
  • Anything That Requires Driving On A Schedule – Mail carrier, pizza delivery, ambulance driver…I would suck at any job that required driving at specific times. Not because I hate driving, I don’t as long as it’s on my terms. But – I hate making left turns, and driving in traffic, and on certain highways, and at certain speeds. I like to drive when there’s no traffic, on easily navigable roads, and in no rush. I would take 14 right turns 5 miles in the wrong direction just to avoid a dangerous left turn. I would not cross town during morning or evening rush hour. And I would avoid all roads with any restaurants on them at lunch time. I would be fired in less than 24 hours.
  • Beautician – Even with proper training, I would be so terrified of making a mistake that I would never take a customer. And if I did take a customer – my anxiety would be so great I most certainly would make a mistake. And then I would cry like a baby and beg for forgiveness if they hated it. Which, I’m fairly certain, is not proper protocol.
  • Restaurant Server – I’m incredibly clumsy, social awkward, and I cry when people are mean to me. So, I would spend my shift spilling drinks, saying inappropriate things, and crying at the slightest provocation. With a job that required tips for survival? I would basically starve to death.
  • Surgeon – I have shaky hands and I’m horrible in split-second decisions. I also misplace my keys constantly and with all of the potential body cavity space to drop things in? I’d hate to see how many people walked away with them sewed up in their abdomen.
  • Anything involving Live TV – Newscaster, talent show host, or political figure making statements on issues. I would suck at ALL of it due to that aforementioned social awkwardness. If I had a script to read live? I’d survive. But if one thing happened off script I’d make horrible decisions that would inevitable involve my discussion of boob sweat. Because – when Kim doesn’t know what to talk about – it always ends up on the boob sweat.
  • Teacher – I don’t have patience and I cry easily. So, if I had a poorly behaved child I wouldn’t handle it well, and then getting yelled at by the parents for not handling it well would make me cry.

I’m sure there are more. Really – I would suck at ANY job where people might yell at me (CRY!) or that required excellent spontaneous social skills (BOOB SWEAT!) or that required driving (NO LEFT TURNS! OR TRAFFIC!). In other words, working from home a as a web developer is the most perfect job in the world for me.

What jobs would you suck at and why?

3 thoughts on “Jobs I Would Totally Suck At Due To My Many Inadequacies”

  1. I would be terrible at anything involving driving, too. I had to drive to my cousin’s house during what passes for rush hour yesterday morning, in the rain!, and I was a nervous wreck. I would also suck at restaurant server, because I am clumsy. I’d spill all the food on the people. Plus, I get too defensive when people are mean to me, so I’d say something ugly back or I’d cry.

    I wouldn’t be a good garbage collector either. There’s the driving, plus the stinky smell.

    Landscaping. I kill plants, so I don’t think people would appreciate that in a landscaper.

    Artist. All I can draw are stick people. Is there a market for that?

  2. Add me on the terrible Secret Service list. I’m HORRIBLE at keeping secrets. I mean, I can function with some discretion, but those kinds of secrets? OMG I feel like I’m going to explode just thinking about it.

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