My Reproductive Nightmare

The End Of An Era

Three Newborns, In Order Of Appearance To The Zoot Family

I’ve discussed before that the last miscarriage I had was the last straw for me emotionally. The 10 weeks of anxiety followed by the eventual loss nearly broke my heart. Each miscarriage seemed to be harder for me to “get over” but that last one was the closest I’d ever come to feeling like I needed professional help. That, combined with my constant state of reproductive hell due to endometriosis, fibroids, and cysts – and I settled in to really wanting to give up on any more kids and to have an ablation. Unfortunately, Donnie wasn’t on the same page yet.

Well, a few weeks ago Donnie wrote out his Five Year Plan to map out his Ironman goals and his Master’s Degree goals. No where on the plan did it allow for more kids. When I pointed this out he admitted that he’s kinda settled into the same view I had. That if we could just be given a kid sans anxieties or miscarriages, we’d take one in a heartbeat. But he didn’t want to see me go through another eventual loss. He also has noticed that my “good days” every month are getting fewer and fewer. And my “bad days” are getting worse and worse. The pain and the hemorrhaging some days make it so I can’t be away from my home for more than an hour at a time, and seeing your wife cry from the kind of pain she could have surgically remedied? Starts to make you shift your perspective.

But mostly? He’s enjoying our life sans young children. He likes being able to think into the future and make plans without having to consider the delay another baby would add.

So, it’s time. I really feel like he’s at peace with it, which means I don’t have to fear it hanging over our marriage for the rest of our lives. I’ll go for my checkup/consult and we’ll make the plan. I’d like to have the ablation done before the summer is over so it won’t interfere with my fall/winter training. Then we keep track of things and see if that gives us a substantial improvement. If it does? That will hold me over for years. If it doesn’t? We’ll talk about removing pieces of the reproductive system that has made my life all sorts of hell outside of the three healthy children I brought me.

I am – honestly – equally relieved and sad about this. I’m relieved – and almost happy – to finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. This week has been a bad one especially. I was in tears last night I was in so much pain and let’s not talk about the concern I had about needing a transfusion at the substantial blood loss. Yesterday was REALLY bad, but this whole last 10 days has been pretty shitty. So, yeah, thrilled to maybe start a normal life with normal amounts of pain and discomfort. But – oh my god – I’m also so very sad. We bought this huge house so we could grow into it. I bought an 8-person dining room table. We have a minivan. We made all of these SPACIOUS decisions allowing for another child or two and now? We’re done. Officially.

We still have always considered fostering children. My parents were foster parents before I cam around and I would love to carry that on someday. So none of that space will be wasted, but the intention is dead. And if I said that didn’t break my heart, I’d be a big fat liar. Because it does. But this whole journey has had it’s share of heartbreak. Each miscarriage took a bit of my heart with it, and that heartbreak doesn’t go away. The sadness over the loss of any future children…that will heal. That’s what I keep telling myself. We can officially move on to the next phase of our lives. The, “We don’t have to add a ‘What if’ to all of our plans…” phase. We don’t have to feel bitter at other people’s pregnancies. We don’t have to save baby clothes and toys. We don’t have to figure out where a new kid will sleep.

But most importantly? I don’t have to live through another miscarriage. A that’s the key. I don’t want to get into the dark place I went to after my last loss, and I don’t want to see how much darker it gets down there.

13 thoughts on “The End Of An Era”

  1. These decisions are always SO hard. You’re incredible for thinking it through with such care. I’m glad you and Donnie are in the same page with it. Hugs.

  2. It’s a rough decision to make, but it sounds like you are both at peace with it. And, as you said, you can always foster kids and you’ll still always have children around. I know it’s not the same, but that will hopefully take some of the sting out of it. Most importantly, you won’t have to deal with either type of pain anymore. I wish you luck with your surgery.

  3. (hugs) This is such a tough position to be in. I’m glad you are both at peace with the decision and can look forward to healing emotionally and physically.

  4. I had a hysterectomy last year (left my ovaries) and honestly? I think the pain & bleeding you are suffering through is worse than where I was. It is awesome being able to stroll past the feminine products aisle with a virtual middle finger (I do that in the diaper aisle too) and not deal with being doubled over with cramps for a few days every month. And ten days of bleeding? That is ridiculous. Get that shit remedied at once. I know you wanted another baby and I’m sorry. It is not fair at all. But you will feel SO MUCH BETTER.

  5. Such a bittersweet point to reach in life. I never wanted more than 2 and medically they told me not to do it again after Tessa so it should have been easy. But I still get sad as she graduates from each stage because I know I’ll never have a little one again. Hope you find lots of relief and that helps with the bittersweet part of it.

  6. What a difficult decision to come to, but I’m so happy and relieved for you. What you have been through and continue to endure sounds like hell. I’m so glad there is a light at the end of the tunnel for you!

  7. I have no physical problems except for 8-10 day periods, where I too bleed so much that I take large daily iron supplements just to make it on the edge of NORMAL and not be anemic. I too am fed up but so far, no one wants to talk to be about the ablation, I think because I’ve passed all these tests and they can’t find anything wrong, and the fact that I am 34 they just keep putting me off, but seriously I am about at the end of my rope. I am SICK of chaffing from feminine products because I can’t just use tampons, heck there are times those don’t last me 20 minutes and then my period does this stupid thing where it stops like day 6 for maybe 36 hours and then with no warning of course starts back up for another couple of days so I feel like I am wearing protection way too much of the month. My friend said the ablation was the best thing she ever did for herself, now if only I could get my doctor on the same page *sigh* (side note…they want me to use an IUD for 4-5 years and then do an ablation but hormones and I do NOT get along and even though they are low dose hormones I am not willing to spend $700 on a gamble on maybe an IUD would help in the meantime, so I just keep taking the iron).

  8. Kim I feel your sadness at the end of that part of your life. I remember when I gave up the dream of having more too. It was sad. You have to give yourself the time to grieve the children that you won’t have, afterall. But there are a lot of good things: no more diapers! The prospect of eventually getting some sleep! More you time! More energy and time to devote to the ones you have! More money in your pocket, etc. The most important one of course is knowing that you can live your life without gushing blood and being wracked with pain. That will let you be a better mom, too. You will be happy fun Mom not “chronic pain Mom.” I wish I could give you a big huge hug.

  9. I can very much relate to coming to peace with not having more children. I always imagined my life with at least two and now, due to some physical circumstances, we will be a one child family. It took some time, but I finally feel like I’m good with that. My son is 6 1/2, and the thought of starting over kind of wears me out. LOL

    I wanted to share an article my friend told me about when we were first faced with this reality. It really helped me realize that this may not be what I had planned, but it doesn’t make it any less wonderful. I hope it can do the same for you…

  10. I don’t know how I missed this post but I so get it. I grieved for a few months over the fact that I would have no more children even though I wanted more. Now I love getting to hold and play with my great-nieces and am awaiting the birth of twin great-nephews. I get to spoil them and then they go home 🙂

  11. It is a tough decision but I too am glad that you can move towards the positives. Sometimes being stuck in the indecision is the worst part.

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