Randomly

asdfjkl;

For those of you who don’t speak Interweb as fluently as I do, that title right there is called a “Keyboard Smash.” It is often used to express shock, or an inability to process something online.

For me? It means:

  • I’m tired.
  • I’m mad.
  • I’m stressed.
  • I’m depressed.
  • I’m worried.
  • I don’t feel like showering this morning.

I did something really dumb yesterday, guys. Remember how I was bragging on myself Monday for going TWO WHOLE WEEKS without an anxiety-fueled binge? Well, that is evidently my limit because I topped out last night at probably an excess of 2000 calories for the day.

EXCESS.

I “closed” MyFitnessPal at 500 calories over hoping that would stop me from binging any more.

NOPE!

I went crazy last night and the main fuel was just exhaustion. That’s always been the case – when I get SO TIRED I can’t function? I tend to eat, with some sort of twisted hope that the food will give me energy.

SO! Here is the first test of my efforts to break my emotional addiction to food. I had a failure. One night of BAD after two weeks of GOOD. WHAT DO I DO NOW? Do I do what I typically do and binge for the next month or two until I’ve gained back all of the weight I’ve lost? Or do I do my DAMNEDEST to do what all of you always tell me to do and leave the FAILURES OF YESTERDAY in one place: YESTERDAY. And not let them force me to fail today.

Wish me luck, people. And send me constant tweets/emails/FB status reminders to Put Down The Doughnuts/French Fries/Beer/Cake/Chips.

Because we all know for a damn fact that every one of those things have voices that will be in my head all day today saying, “You screwed up Tuesday! Might as well throw Wednesday out the window too! EAT ME! The food will calm your anxieties!”

14 thoughts on “asdfjkl;”

  1. Kim you are much too hard on yourself!
    Take a big deep breath and put yesterday behind you.
    You need to forgive yourself this one slip and start afresh today. Blaming yourself will only make you more stressed.

  2. It’s not the blame, really. I’m actually not as hard on myself as maybe I conveyed in this entry. (I am a bit exhausted write now so my clarity is probably suffering. YAY! for late nights and early mornings!) It’s just like with any addiction, I don’t know how to process failure logically so I just think it’s “easier” to wait until I can just start over, because then I can have my SWEET SWEET FOOD back as a coping means. Does that make sense? My emotional relationship with food is more complicated than my relationship with my husband. ๐Ÿ™‚

  3. I used to do that – cheat on my “diet” then beat myself up about it. But you know what? Who cares. It’s just food. Some days your body might need more food than others, it’s not a linear process, so you have a bender and then go on with your life. It’s not like you cheated on your husband, killed your kids and then ran for the border. It’s FOOD.

    Believe me, I’ve lost 150 pounds after getting over these crazy food issues. Why do we expect ourselves to be these perfect people when it comes to diets? Seriously. It’s ridiculous. I’m super stressed right now because I’m moving a decent distance, looking for a job and just having a lot on my plate right now. I’ve gained 5 pounds and I don’t really care because I know it’s temporary.

    The mentality of eating for fuel and performance and working out to reach a goal and not caring about all the other crap will do wonders.

  4. Unfortunately I’m not quite there yet. I know logically it will do wonders, I’m just don’t good in practice. ๐Ÿ™‚

  5. I know you’ve talked about the differences in approach from when you quit smoking to trying to manage this in a way that is comfortable for you.

    Pick up some water, or gum. Think of Michael Jordan missing out on the HS basketball team and practicing in the backyard. Think about how good it will feel when you win your first NBA title …. or …. you know …. something else.

  6. I have a generalized anxiety disorder and soooo relate to the feelings, although my triggers are a bit different. My anxiety ultimately manifested as a phobia. I apologize if it’s off base, but have you looked into therapy for the anxiety? Personally I found a lot of help in progressive relaxation combined with cognitive behavior therapy. That was seven years ago. I only went for about three months, not even every week, and now I do “tune-ups” of 2-3 sessions every 1-2 years when I’m really overwhelmed. I say that not in a I think you should do the same thing sort of way, but just in caring and concern that leaving the underlying anxiety untreated will continue to leave you vulnerable to the eating behaviors you are trying to reform. Wishing you well.

  7. I like Heather’s Michael Jordan analogy. Just popping in to say, in my best imitation of every Adam Sandler movie out there, “You can DO it!”

  8. Good luck ๐Ÿ™‚ I know it’s hard. I used to be an emotional eater and it’s SO HARD to get past.

  9. You can do it Kim. One breath, one step at a time…as long as you’re not breathing in donuts, you should be good.

  10. WOW!! I know this isn’t about your running but I just had to post anyway. I used to read your blog when you first began blogging. I read it for years and years, then stopped blogging myself, had a hard drive crash, lost all my bookmarks and stopped reading lots of blogs. A very excited me found you again!!

    I just wanted to say thank you for your blogging. It inspired me to write for years and your constant attention to your blog kept me on track with my own. You are an inspiration to me.

  11. “Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. This day is all that is good and fair. It is too dear, with its hopes and invitations, to waste a moment on yesterdays.”

    Ralph Waldo Emerson

  12. Good luck. Put down the donut. Pick up a kid/dog?

    (All per your request- we of the interwebs like you either way)

  13. One more “it is ok, you can do it” from me too. Maybe go to sleep earlier to be less tired and avoid the binge time? At first crave brush your teeth. At next take a shower.

  14. See Jenn below said what I was trying to say much better than I can.
    I am a numbers person rather than a words person.
    Anyway good for you for getting back on the wagon so to speak.

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