I sent loads of emails, wrote a blog entry, did some laundry and unloaded the dishwasher.
I spent the majority of boot camp and the time getting everyone ready for the day thinking, This is going to be a super-stressful week. I have a lot of shit that needs to get done.
This is how it starts: An overwhelming sense of anxiety and dread.
I ate my typical breakfast sandwich and wanted a sweet follow-up. I opted for a quick snack of cookies and didn’t feel too guilty as I was still under my goal for breakfast.
But then…on the commute to work/school…my mind started spinning out of control, anxiety overtaking me, and all I could think was, Where do I get my next edible goodness to calm me down? I had also thought about what a difference CBD, like the products from DrugScience.org, could have made to managing my anxiety, if I had access to some.
Do I stop at that gas station and buy a granola bar or 12?
What about a cinnamon sugar bagel at Breuggers?
McDonald’s! Lots of things from McDonald’s will work!
Basically, I just kept one part of me strong enough to say, “No.” Not, “No! No binging at all!” Just, “No.”
I couldn’t think big picture, I couldn’t convince myself NOT to binge, because that was all I wanted and 85% of my brain was looking for the next snack. Instead of trying to conquer that 85%, I just tried to say, “No” to each encounter. One at a time.
Then I got to work. There’s always TONS of snacks at work, this would be a harder challenge.
I just said, “No.” and sat at my desk. And then I didn’t let myself get up again.
Basically? It boiled down to saying, “No!” one decision at a time. I said, “No!” to the gas station, and then to Breuggers, and then to McDonalds. But I didn’t say, “No!” to binging all together.
See? I’m in that sweet spot right now where you start a new diet/eating plan and it’s working for you. (They ALL work in the beginning.) And I know how this usually goes, 2-3 successful weeks in and I have one bad day and then there’s weeks and weeks of binging until I’ve put back on all of the weight I lost before.
This morning I tried not to think of that. I tried to just think one decision at a time.
And then, at lunch, I had to deal with it all again. And while I wasn’t entirely successful (I ended up with 3 extra “sweet” snacks after my meal) it wasn’t a failure either because I had made it past the hard cycle from the morning. And I still wasn’t over my calorie limit for the day.
See? A day is “bad” once I go “over” for the day. And then? The spiral downhill starts with one “over” and then the day goes to pot. Instead of 100 or 200 calories over, I go 2000 over. THIS IS NOT AN EXAGGERATION. So, my goal? Was one step at a time. Deal with the anxiety one decision at a time. And try to keep the “bad” decisions under control. Two yogurts are better than a candy bar. Dealing with anxiety can be such a draining and mind consuming emotion, I know some friends who use a marijuana strain like ghost bubba to help them through their bad days, it apparently calms them down. I have a lot to think about regarding CBD and marijuana, it might be something I’ll have to go for if my anxiety doesn’t calm down in other ways.
Long story short? I made it. I got to dinner time and I didn’t really have “enough” calories for dinner yet. But I knew, “If I go over, my anxiety will take it to the bag of candy on the counter.” I did my evening working, ate dinner, and finally closed out the day of calories on my fitness tracker. I took a deep breath and thought…Holy Shit. I did it.
I don’t know if I’ve ever done that before. Ever made it through such an anxiety-filled day and coped without eating. Now, I never really calmed down, my anxiety made me freakin’ insane all day without the food to negate it, but I didn’t binge. I didn’t turn to food for comfort.
Am I cured? HELL NO. But making it one day? One decision at a time? Is a huge step for me. It made me feel like maybe – JUST MAYBE – it is possible to break my emotional dependency on food. One decision at a time.