I had a good running weekend – did 8 miles on Saturday and then 15 on my favorite course on trails on Sunday. It put me in a good mood. I’ve doing okay with food the last week as well, taming my nighttime binge therapy. This has kept me in a decent mood too. In other words, this weekend was good. Which put me in a better place than I’ve been in awhile.
Never underestimate the power of getting dirty to cure anxiety. It’s hard to not feel like you can conquer the world when your legs and shoes are covered with a thick layer of mud.
Then, this morning I was catching up online and suddenly I had that sinking dread feeling. I sat here and was trying to figure out – what was the trigger? What did I read or see that had me crash with anxiety so suddenly?
And that – right there – is the problem with anxiety. There’s no concrete triggers, nothing you can easily pinpoint: Oh! I have a big project due at work! I’m stressed! Instead it’s a small email that reminds other obligations, a Facebook status that you worry might have been misread, a tweet that alerts you to the stress of someone else, an irritating comment that gets you a bit angry. It just doesn’t take much at all and suddenly you feel your heart in your stomach, the sense of dread just rising around you, and while everything that has ever stressed you out floats to the surface – threatening to smother you.
It just pisses me off. I was feeling better! I had a good weekend! I drank a lot of really good beer and got muddy in the mountains! Why did this mystery trigger have to rise up and take that away?
So I try to remember the calm and the joy that the trail run gave me. Or the warmth that snuggles with the kids gave me. Or satisfaction from conquering a stressful day without hitting the ice cream in the freezer.
And then I just get pissed off when it fails. Which – for the record – SIMPLY MAKES IT ALL WORSE.
Which is why I’m doing whiskey shots at 4am today.
(Not that it sounds like that bad of a way to start the day.)
Although this does make me wish I could hit some muddy trails EVERY day. It does seem like a healthier way to cope with anxiety than a beer for breakfast.