For the first time ever in our marriage, my husband and I are not in the same place about having more kids.
Now…the NUMBER ONE GIANT REASON I have decided I don’t want more kids is that the last pregnancy/miscarriage nearly killed me. I mean, they’ve all sucked royal donkey balls, but the last one at this point in my life? Just nearly put me out of commission. The anxiety during the 10 weeks I was pregnant combined with the sadness over the eventual loss was simply…too much.
If someone could hand me a baby and say, “THERE!” I’d have 3 more. No problem. But with any attempt to have kids (pregnancy or adoption) there comes a stretch of time where I experience simultaneous hope and dread and the combination of the two are just more than I think I could handle. Donnie says it’s just too soon for me to decide I can’t do it again, the pain is still too fresh, and he might be right. I mean, I often think about where I should be right now. I should be planning a nursery, picking names, and coming up with a birth plan. Instead? I’m remembering the anxiety and the sadness like it was yesterday. Because some days it feels like it was.
But that’s not the ONLY reason. I’m SO DAMN SICK OF MY REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM I WANT TO PUNCH SOMEONE.
As soon as we’re “done” trying to get pregnant, I can have my doctor burn the shit out of my uterus to try to bring me some relief from my endometriosis. (Medical term: Endometrial Ablation.) The pain and the bleeding I experience every month is horrible and dreadful and ruins several days. I have to keep changes of clothes in my car and I have to stay doped up on ibuprofen. And then, because of my fibroids and cysts I also get the bonus pain associated with ovulation or random bleeding throughout a month.
Basically? My life is one big party of AWESOME.
And setting it all on fire will help that. And if it doesn’t? Then the next step will be to start taking things out one at a time. And you know what? I AM FINE WITH THAT. I can not WAIT until we can start the process of Making Kim Less Crazy. Because – you know – trying to have kids isn’t stressful enough! Let’s add the pain of endotriosis, uterine fibroids, and ovarian cysts to the mix to make things just a bit more awful! WHEEEEE!
So…yeah. Part of me not wanting any more kids is the raw pain from our last loss. And I agree with Donnie, it’s probably still too soon to make decision from that pain. But the other part of the decision is the desire to get my life back. To not have to constantly factor in my body when planning my calendar. “Oh…a trip around the time I’d ovulate? No can do. I’m too crippled with pain. And often crying for no reason due to the hormonal surges. Hmmm…”
To be able to live a “normal” life without constantly dealing with side effects of my many reproductive issues? WOULD BE SUCH AN AMAZINGLY AWESOME THING.
So we set a calendar. If the emotions are still this strong by day X, then I can start by scheduling the Burning Of The Uterus. The only problem is, Donnie is so NOT ready to let go of having kids, that day X is still a mystery day in the future. And that’s a real type of emotional sadness too, to have to let go of those dreams because someone else has already done that first. It’s a tough place to be in a marriage. He basically will have to be forced to be okay with a decision that I made already. And a big decision that carries a lot of emotional weight to it.
Do you have any stories of survival from situations like this? Did you and your spouse ever disagree over the parenting timeline? When to start? When to stop? When you came to an agreement, how did the resistant one cope? Is there a way to cope?
And more importantly – would it be weird if I started planning an Endometrial Ablation party? Because I’m kinda excited.
Our debate is about when to start. I would like a family but we don’t have the space – we have a two bedroom house and with three of us already living in it adding a 4th person who would be better not sharing with the existing three means that we need to move or we need to extend our house. Extension would be easiest but we don’t have the money which I guess if we don’t have the money for that we don’t really have the money to start a family. As the main breadwinner if I then go on maternity leave then my pay will shrink and that causes issues too then we have the whole question of what if I don’t go back to work what if I become a SAHM how with we afford stuff then. I believe that God will provide if/when it’s the right time but that doesn’t stop the wishing etc. I’d hardly thought about it over Christmas then it came up in conversation and I was pretty much emotionally crippled for the day – I curled up and cried for like 15 minutes if not longer. I didn’t really know what to do with myself. But my OH didn’t get it. He didn’t/doesn’t get why being a mum is so important to me and why I want it so badly.
My husband is the one who made the “done” decision for both of us. I was very, very, very sad for quite a long time. Now I feel mostly okay about it. But it has left a permanent negative notch on our marriage. Or, I guess it’s too soon to say permanent, since I can’t know it’ll always be there. But I wondered at the time if a marriage could survive intact from a situation where one person forced a joint decision of enormous impact even knowing how much pain it would cause the other person—and so far, yes, it can survive, but it doesn’t come through something like that without a pretty serious mark. I can’t forget how when it came right down to it, he put his wishes so completely ahead of mine, and at such a huge cost to me. It’s still hard to process that he would be in charge of that decision—and that he would be WILLING to be in charge of it.
The reason this isn’t parallel to your decision is that there was no suffering on his part: it wouldn’t have cost him any physical or emotional pain (or any delay to a decrease in physical or emotional pain) for us to have had another child. That issue changes things CONSIDERABLY. With your situation, we could even theoretically swap it to wonder how he could cause you so much physical and emotional pain by insisting on having another child, you know? So it’s not comparable; it’s presented only as an answer to the question (and because this is the kind of comments section where people are going to be looking for other people who feel the same way they do/did), but not as something applicable to your situation.
To be honest, my husband always wanted three kids, but I watched what happened with my sister – her third “put her over the edge” (side note: he’s now in law school). I had two beautiful boys, but I also had an ectopic pregnancy, two miscarriages, a c-section, etc. Plus, I was 35 and my doctor was starting to question my maternal age.
We now joke that my husband can have another child with his next wife.
A small part of me always wonders if we should have had another, though (mostly because I’m worried that my boys will dump me in a nursing home – I hope they marry compassionate women!).
We have one child. Had no problems getting pregnant with her. My body decided after her it sucked and no matter what was not going to get or stay pregnant ever again. My husband decided way before I did that it wasn’t worth the emotional stress / heartache any more. It took me way longer to come to the same reality. I felt like not only was my body failing me, but I was also failing him and my daughter who wanted brothers and sisters.
The weekend before my hysterectomy (I was 34) I had an “I’m ovary this party”. We went to a local piano bar and had a great time. It was so much fun telling people why our group was there and then seeing the expression on their faces when you told them. Way better than the birthday party they were expecting us to say 🙂
It has been almost 3 years and physically I feel better than I ever have. I still struggle some days with the what ifs and on occasion a Facebook pregnancy announcement can send me into a downward spiral but in the big picture it was the best decision.
I’m done. I love my 2. But, for many reasons I’m done.
Here’s the thing. Don’t call me crazy. I had a merena (iud) and I HATED it with a passion. But a friend of mine also had one, and she had some similar issues to what you’re talking about and in her mind it’s the greatest thing in the whole entire world.
It also let her put off the question of more kids until she was completely ready.
It’s her story – not mine. But, in some ways so similar.
It may be worth looking into. Maybe?my experience – not so good. I’d put it at worth a google search 🙂
For what it’s worth in our world … we can’t afford another. it takes a huge toll on me (I’ve gone through ore-and post- partum depression). Part of me would like more.
It’s ultimately your decision, whether he’s ready or not. You know if your body can handle it or not. Do what’s best for you.
I had to have a hysterectomy and neither my husband nor I wanted to be done at that point. Like you, I was tired of being in pain all the time, so I said out with the uterus. I still wish we could’ve had more but being out of pain balances it out a little. One of my in laws had ablation and said it was the best thing she ever did. You have to do what’s best for your body and sanity.
When my 2nd baby was born, she developed a hemangioma on her forehead, in the grand scheme of hemangiomas her’s was NOTHING, but people made such awful comments to me and accused me in grocery stores of basically abusing her (or at best allowing her to get hurt at a very young age), and then she had reflux and 4 emergency room visits in 6 mths (of which my husband was out of town for two such visits requiring I wake up the 3yr old to go to the emergency room too) for the reflux (she didnt puke like ‘normal’ reflux babies, instead she fought like hell to choke the bile back down all the while holding her breath and turning various shades of pink/bright red while her saliva literally foamed around her mouth) scared me to death. I so wish I could have believed it was all gonna be fine back then but I was in a bad place for awhile, no sleep due to small nearly constant feedings (she couldnt even have 2 oz at a time or here comes reflux attack!) caused my anxiety to run rampant, and since the first year of a childs life was when the hemangioma grows, the not knowing about how it would look made me worry and then feeling like the lowest of low for worrying about something so superficial that eventually goes away. At any rate between my anxiety and how tough those couple of years are we decided we were done. I have horrible periods too (to the point where I have to take iron daily because I get anemic and the iron just barely keeps me in the normal range) and I should have something done, but between my inability to tolerate hormone options and my insurance being sucky, and they dont want to do ablations on 34yr olds anyway (at least my doc doesnt) it just seems like I am going to be dealing with it for awhile… add to the mix my unwillingness to do anything permanent because I feel like I will be SO OLD, like that part of my life is over.. and even though my head tells me it is, being done with my child-baring years feels sad. I am such a mess.
Oh, I feel for you, although I’m not at all in the same place. I’m also really interested in seeing everyone else’s comments–this is something that my husband and I have been struggling with for several months (I’ve even written in to Advice Smackdown, but nothing yet…)
We have one child and now after more than a year of trying for #2, he is done. He thought it was a “sign” we were having so much trouble conceiving, being a parent is harder than he thought, it’s affecting our relationship,, etc etc. We decided to take a few months off over the holidays and revisit the subject this month (you can probably see where this is going) and a star must have risen in the east again, because I’m pregnant.
And he is freaking out.
I agree with Carrie- Its YOUR body, you are the one suffering ALL the time, you are the one who has to deal with all the pain, emotions, and various issues. It should be your decision. In my mind I would be thinking – my body is trying to tell me something…
I decided after two kids that we were done. I liked getting our independence back. Not being tied to an infant. And financially, it would have put a lot of stress on us. I was over diapers, night time feedings, daycare…My husband wanted more, but understood that it was my body, and mostly my responsibility once the baby was here. His job does not allow him to be flexible so I was the one who always had to take time off for sick kids, Dr. apts etc. So we got a dog. It’s his baby.
My husband decided two was enough and I really wanted three. For a long time it made me pretty darn sad, but as the baby gets older (she just turned 5), I’ve come to the realization that I really don’t want to start all over with a baby again. Especially since a friend of mine with kids the same age as mine got pregnant. I don’t feel any envy at all. Still, there will always be a part of me that wishes we’d had a bigger family.
I am so sorry 🙁 Honestly, we’ve been at a stalemate for SEVEN YEARS. And we actually set a “date x” but I’m unwilling to take action even though that date has come and gone.
Of course, we are the opposite. When we were first TTC, I was ready well before he was – he was being too logical…the money, still living in an apartment that (due to it’s being a loft) wasn’t especially suited for kids. I finally told him that no matter what, we would never be “ready” – even if we were in a house, even if we had a savings built up to X amount. There would always be a reason not to, but that for me, the reasons “to” were more important. So he agreed not to try, but to stop trying not to. Then came the miscarriages and the sadness and he was willing to try as hard as possible to make that all go away.
But then came the prematurity and the NICU and he was just SO traumatized watching our son go through that. Heck, so was I. He said never again. But then I was ready to try again, but willing to take my body out of the equation. He vetoed adoption for family reasons (all logical but all that make me sad). He agreed to try surrogacy if we could get all the cash in hand. We had a date that there was supposed to be money ready…but that profit-share didn’t come until the following year, so our surrogate had to move on. And I no longer had the heart to search for another surrogate. I still really want to adopt. He doesn’t.
Our agreement was to stop using birth control and use the “reliable” old school Catholic methods (you know, the ones that DON’T really work…unless you’re us and then it works 100% for the last 3 years). He agreed that if I got pregnant, we’d know it was meant to be and that’s ok and if not then it isn’t. We also agreed that I would get my tubes tied at 35. I’ll be 36 in July but I know that I just can’t hold to that part of the agreement. (Unless of course he suddenly wanted a surrogate or to start adoption paperwork…) Sadly, neither of us have changed where we stand on the issue now.
I wasn’t on the same page as my husband about having a second child, but after considering his wishes (for two and a half years) and doing a lot of soul searching and praying, I felt I couldn’t deny him a second. We’d always discussed (before having kids) that we’d have two, and after having our first, I had serious anxiety about the prospect. Motherhood turned out to be so much harder than I expected, and I went into it expected hard, I did.
What’s different in my situation is that I had no trouble conceiving, and reproductive issues weren’t part of our considerations. In my head, it was just a terrifying prospect to have two kids. I still can’t think about it too long without freaking out a little… And I’ll stop now, because I’m four months pregnant, and it won’t do any good to freak out, will it? My husband did say to me during one of our many, many talks about whether or not to try for a second baby, that “if it will ruin your life, I don’t want to do it, but I will be sad.” Hearing that broke my heart a little. I didn’t want him to be “sad” and I also didn’t think my life would be “ruined.” So, I let his feelings take more priority than mine, and then I took a leap of faith.
I guess it was in the cards for me to have another baby, and I already love this baby. If I’d made the opposite decision or been unable to conceive, I don’t feel I’d have regrets, other hurting my husband. So, I guess I never really changed my mind on the subject. Good luck to you, Kim, as you decide. I think people who know what they want and are on the same page as their partner are truly lucky.
Oh, love. Hugs to you. James and I do not see eye to eye on the more kids topic. I want more, he does not. The thing is, he has very valid reasons for not wanting more. It’s HARD, but there is a part of me that knows he’s probably right, and another part of me that recognizes he is my partner and I need to take a step back and respect his feelings. I’ve realized that I have to grieve the dream I had of giving O a sibling. And it’s difficult when I know he is perfectly happy the way things are, I feel like I’m grieving it all alone. But it does get better. Not every day is great, which is OK, but I really try to make an effort to refocus on the upsides.
I understand this, but only to a point: I don’t have a partner, or any kids at all, but my body is making it clear that pregnancy is not an option for me right now, as much as I’d like it to be. It’s a totally different situation, but I still feel like I can empathize, because maybe your body is making a decision for you, that you are not emotionally ready to make. That’s where i feel like I am, and it’s a really difficult spot to be in. I wish you wisdom, because figuring this out, especially in the context of your marriage. Just best wishes, as usual, I guess.
My husband and I recently decided to be ‘done’ after just one kiddo. He just turned four and is truly the most fantastic child. We could afford to have more, have a house with enough space and have a strong enough support system to make it all work with child care, grandparent time, etc.
LIkeyou, if someone handed me a newborn I would take him/her with open arms. But getting pregnant isn’t easy for us. We conceived Finn after three years of trying, trying harder, trying drugs then trying a doctor+drugs. A couple of years after Finn was born we tried again, skipping right to the ‘trying doctor + drugs’ route to no avail. For me, it’s a little different because the physical issue is actually my husband, not me – so in theory we COULD solve the issue with IVF, but I have never been willing to go that far.
Ultimately, we decided that our life with one was pretty awesome. Just the right balance of family, work and still having the chance for some husband/wife time.
A friend of mine asked how it felt to have sort of ‘called it’ on the pregnancy front. I expected to answer ‘sad’ or ‘lonely’ but instead? I answered ‘relieved.’
For six years, we had lived in limbo. Even when we weren’t specifically TRYING to have kids, we weren’t trying NOT to either. We moved to a new house and kept a fourth room completely empty because that would be the nursery for when we had another kiddo. When we budgeted for the future we always assumed we’d be putting two kids through college. We leased one of our cars so we’d have the flexibility to buy a larger one if we needed it after the second kiddo. Basically, we lived for a future that was uncertain, and it was distracting. It even changed the way I treated my son – For instance I never indulged him in lying in bed with him when he was falling asleep or reading 10 books at night because I figured once he had a little sibling, I wouldn’t be able to do that anymore and I didn’t want to disappoint him.
Once we decided we were done, the limbo disappeared. The extra room is now a nice little craft/reading space and has room for extra guests if we need it. I read as many books as Finn wants at night and don’t worry if I’m setting him up to believe he’s the center of my universe because he is and always will be and that’s OK. We have settled into our life that is OUR FAMILY, not the feeling that we were just biding our time until our family was complete. It is revelatory and takes so much anxiety off my plate, especially when I was trying to figure out how I was going to balance a job I loved that required a lot of time away from my family when I had two children and a husband to feel guilty about.
I would be lying if I said that I am not still stabbed with jealousy when I hear of people [friends, celebrities, whatever] who are able to just have kids whenever they want. Although I am fine with our decision, the truth is if having kids were easy for us we’d probably have at least two, maybe three. I love babies and I wish that Finn had a sibling – but not enough to turn our lovely little life upside down, or live in limbo anymore.
So that’s something to consider – in addition to the physical relief you’ll get once you make the final call, I’ll bet you’ll feel a little bit of mental relief as well, knowing you’ll never have to feel all those anxious, terrified, exhausting mental and emotional moments and can instead just focus on the wonderful family you have, moving forward complete.
We always said 4 kids, but have two. I cried when we took the crib down with number two saying we would never need it again, and he said you never know. Mine are almost three years apart (two school years), no problems getting pregnant, no problems with pregnancies at all. But we knew when we ready for number two, together. By the time I was ready for number three, he was done.(He didn’t want to be outnumbered, he was convinced we would have problems with a third pregnancy…… )I convinced him to hold off on his end of taking care of things, for a while. But then he did and I was sort of ok by then. But to be honest, there will always be a part of me that thinks we should have had a third and resents HIM for not allowing me to.
And as the ablation goes, tread carefully. I had it done. Wonderful, best thing ever!! For two years. And then my monthy returned, worse and much, much, more painful than before. (Though I did not have the issues beforehand that you do now.) I had a bad year or so with it, but things may be on the upswing now. If they don’t continue though, I will not hesitate for a more permanant surgery.
I was done after two. Of course, now I’m with someone who has two of his own, but that’s another story! 🙂 My (ex) husband wasn’t sure we were done, but after watching me puke for three months straight with the second one, he agreed we could be done. I had a tubal ligation during my C-section.
However, I had really bad cramps, too, and a really long, irregular period. I was SO SICK of it. A friend told me about the ablation, which I’d never heard of! I had it done about 2 years ago now, and I LOVE IT. I barely spot, and though I occasionally still get cramps, they are very manageable, rather than ruining my entire day.
Two other friends of mine have gotten it done- one got the procedure I had done, where you are put out completely. The other got a slightly different one, where you are awake during the procedure (she is scared of going under). Hers wasn’t quite as good for some reason. She still bleeds, though not as much, and her cramps are only a little better. So if there is a choice, find out which one means you go all the way under, and do that one!
Good luck, and sending hugs for the pain that decision cost.
If you didn’t have the health problems with the reproductive system going on, I could understand holding out for another child. If I was having all those problems, I would have to tell my husband that we have to do what could possibly help get me some relief.
I totally understand that your husband wants more children and I sympathize with him. I would love more but hubby just did NOT want more kids at all so he got fixed when our youngest was 3. I am having major baby fever this past year but having more kids simply isn’t going to happen. I keep hoping we’ll be in the extreme minority of failed vasectomies and I’ll wind up pregnant one of these months but that doctor did his job TOO well! LOL
You are suffering in the extreme every single month. If you have this entire procedure in place just to help you get through having a period each month, I believe it’s rather selfish of anyone to ask you to continue going through that for any reason at all. If it was simply a matter of whether your family could afford another child, or if you were ready (or not) for another child in other ways, I could understand him pushing for more. But putting your health second to anything isn’t fair to you at all. You are way more important than that. If it was the other way around– would he be willing to undergo extreme pain and suffering every single month for just the small hope that you’ll maybe win the lottery in the next year or so? Would he do it selflessly since he didn’t even want the outcome asked of him?
I’ve watched my husband go through some really painful, really serious health problems in the past 6 month and I can’t imagine asking my husband to purposely suffer every single month for any reason at all. Ultimately, that’s what Donnie is asking of you. Ya know?
(Please don’t take offense- I say this out of concern for your health.)
My husband was done having kids before I was. I still long for a third child, but, you know, it takes two to tango. I cried about it. I hold every baby I can get my hands on. I love on the two babies I have. No easy answer. Sigh.