Grief, My Reproductive Nightmare, On Mental Health

Silver Lining

CloudsI am what I like to call a “high anxiety” person. My family prefers to use the common synonym “raging psychopath beeyath” because it has a nicer ring to it. Either way – I get stressed and things get UGLY.

I’ll be very honest with the people in my family during these “ugly” times. I’ll just say, “Mommy is super-stressed right now and therefore we need to all be on our best behavior so that her head doesn’t spin off during a rage blackout.” To which Donnie says, “Please don’t refer to yourself as ‘Mommy’ like that. It freaks me out.”

But I am very aware of what anxiety does to me and as much as I try to cope with it in a healthy way, I still like to warn my family so that they can help out by avoiding situations that – on a normal day – will simply cause me extreme irritation and put me in Full Nag Mode; but on a high-anxiety day? Those things will send me off into Raging Psychopath Beeyatch Land. So I warn the kids so that maybe…JUST MAYBE…they’ll do something the FIRST time I ask instead of the 14th.

They don’t.

Running has been a great anxiety reliever for me. I realized that most during the musical last year when I actually was very successful getting my runs in every night because it became such a necessity to keep me functioning at the high-anxiety capacity I needed to function on every night.

And of course…for the last four weeks? I’ve not had running. And while I would trade the ability to run for a full-term pregnancy and baby in a HEARTBEAT; I’m looking at being able to run again as the silver lining after this depressing pregnancy loss.

It’s weird, taking one month off from running for a non-running related injury. There’s not a lot of information about recovery from things like that. I’ve found good write-ups from people who have had a bad case of the flu or mono or something that kept them away from running for several weeks. But even they all started out with, “I wasn’t really sure how to get back into it.”

The general rule of thumb people started with was doing about half the miles a week you were doing before, and judging your own body from there. So, I decided to go out Sunday for at least 8, maybe more, on a flat easy greenway run. I chose Sunday thinking the bleeding and the pain from the D&C would have subsided enough.

I was wrong.

This recovery has been SO MUCH WORSE than my last D&C. This is more like the times I’ve miscarried on my own, it’s like having the period from HELL. Actually, my normal periods are from Hell thanks to my endometriosis, this recovery now makes those look like walks in the damn park. I was in TEARS going out to the greenway, I was in so much pain. BUT – I know that with a period, running actually RELIEVES the cramps, so I was hoping this would be the same way.

AND IT WAS.

I took about 15 steps into my run and I felt like a new woman. The cramping stopped and didn’t start again until I took a pee break at the 4-mile mark. I was running with two friends and we sped up a big for miles 4’ish to 8’ish. Then, I decided to do one more 4-mile stretch on my own and I slowed it down IMMENSELY. The last 3 of those miles were TOUGH, but I did them.

Twelve miles of therapy. Not only the to relieve my anxiety, but to finally give me a break from the cramps.

(SIDENOTE: Ibuprofen doesn’t help too much and you’re not supposed to take ibuprofen before a run. They gave me Percosets but those things screw with my head and keep me from sleeping so I’m trying not to take those.)

All in all? A successful outing. It was a little tough because I kept thinking: As much as I love being out here again, I sure would rather still be pregnant. But I that’s just life. Being able to see the silver lining of the cloud doesn’t remove the cloud completely, it just makes you less pissed off it’s ruining your view in the first place.

I’m doing boot camp today for the first time. That doesn’t relieve my cramps as much as running, so it’s going to be tougher getting out there. I’m still in tons of pain and It’s really frustrating the crap out of me. I’ve always felt like the emotional pain of a pregnancy loss is plenty for a woman to have to suffer through, why did Mother Nature make it so the physical pain was SO BAD too. (Although, lets be honest, my reproductive system has so many failings, the average woman is probably not in this much pain after a D&C.) Either way – IT’S JUST NOT FAIR, DAMMIT.

[insert image of me kicking and screaming and throwing legos HERE]

But life isn’t fair. We all know that. We just try to focus on the silver lining (running, beer, sushi) so that we can survive for awhile without the sun.

5 thoughts on “Silver Lining”

  1. I’m glad you got some runs in. I didn’t know that they relieved cramps – I’ll have to try that. I’ve always just avoided running then.

    I want to say I’m sorry again, but I feel like that’s so insufficient. Yet, I will say it because it’s true. I’m so sorry for your loss.

  2. I always skipped runs when cramping until one weekend when I was planning the course and setting out the aid for my group and felt like I had no choice so I went for it and was TOTALLY SHOCKED how much better I felt during the run. It was a huge surprise!

    And thank you for your condolences. (That word does NOT look like it’s spelled right but there’s no squiggly line so I’m leaving it as is.) It really does mean a lot.

  3. I am glad you were able to run, as a fellow period from hell girl (who happens to be smack in the middle of it right now), I will say I just recently learned that mine have caused me to be anemic (pretty badly so) and I am getting ready to go back to my ob/gyn… at any rate, my sister went to her doc last week and she told her that there are options for those of us who are heavy bleeders and she wrote down the name of a drug taken only during your period to lighten the blood loss. I am scheduling my appointment ASAP to see if I am a good candidate because the questions it asks… Do your periods keep you from doing things you ordinarily would? YES, Do you have to wear more than one form of protection? YES, Do you often have to change protection hourly? YES, Do you regularly wake up overnight because of heavy flow? YES YES YES often multiple times a night!

  4. I just caught up on everything now.
    First of all, I’m so sorry for your loss. I didn’t want to leave that unsaid. I don’t think there is quite the right thing to ever say, but I’m just so sad for you right now.

    And what you said about silver linings. I cut and pasted that into a word document and I printed it for myself. That is quite possible the most profound thing I have read about dealing with life and being positive. It just put things into perspective.
    I’ve been going through some very different, personal stuff, and I needed to read that.

    Also … so right about the cramps. I just discovered that recently.

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