The One About The Boob Punching

Dear Adorable Children Of Mine,

We need to have a talk. There have been a few incidents of misbehavior lately from you both that I’ve gotten really angry about. I’ve even yelled on occasion, and I really try to save that move for really bad things. I’ve put you in time out, I’ve taken away movies, the last few months have been a discipline smorgasbord around here. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t remember what priveledges you still have from one day to the next. Are you allowed to have gum? Watch ‘Thundercats’? Wear cute clothes? (Probably the most cruel punishment in your eyes, Nikki.) Basically, I feel like I’m losing control of you two and I’ve started having nightmares that involve you strapping me down with power cords so that you can be free to use the refrigerator as a jungle gym.

I thought I’d try something new. A sternly worded letter spelling out the rules that we really thought had been obvious up until now. Maybe you just need a reminder in written form to keep what we call “common sense” from escaping your memory.

  • The kitchen cabinets do not have shelves to facilitate your climbing to the top of the counters. On the same note: The doors to the cabinets are also not really skinny stairs. We’ve never allowed you all to climb on the counters before, but lately we’ve caught you (and your rather large bodies where our fragile cabinets are concerned) using various methods of Cabinet Climbing to get to the counter tops. Why you want up there, we have no idea. At first we thought you wanted snacks, thinking we had better ones hidden up top where you couldn’t see. But with you’re latest trend of sociopathic behavior, I’m now wondering if maybe you were looking for something more sinister. Like Knives. Or Spray Pam.
  • On another climbing note: Ask for help getting something from the top shelf of the fridge. The lower shelves of our refrigerator will not accommodate you climbing on them to reach the Orange Juice. Also? The Orange Juice is too heavy and if you were actually going to survive the climb to get to it, you would probably drop it on your head. I find myself increasingly concerned that I have to remind you of such things as I would have thought you were old enough that they would just fall under: Basic Survival Knowledge. Obviously, you’ve never heard of the Darwin Effect.
  • Power Cords Are Dangerous. I mean, this one I know we’ve driven home for years but lately? It seems you’ve forgotten. I keep catching you plugging and unplugging things like it’s some sort of fun puzzle and every time it gives me a heart attack. But not as much as last week when I discovered that you – Wes – had CUT THROUGH THE CORD OF A HEATING PAD WHILE IT WAS PLUGGED IN. I have no idea if you were shocked or not, but if you were you don’t remember it because you acted like it was no big deal. It seems like something must have happened as the halves of the cord had black scorch marks. I’m not even sure where you found the scissors you used as we try to keep them hidden lately. Which brings me to…
  • STAY AWAY FROM THE SCISSORS ALREADY. Jeez, guys. I used to let you use your safety scissors for arts and crafts but we’ve had so many incidents lately where important things have been cut: Photographs, Bills, Hair — that I had to take them all away from you. I’m not sure how you can unlearn so many things, but Allowable Materials To Be Cut was evidently the first bit of knowledge that escaped you in the latest stretch of disobedience.
  • Furniture is not to be colored on. Seriously? These are the types of lessons we thought we had cemented into your brains ages ago. But the arm of our couch and the masterpiece etched on it BEG TO DIFFER. You are both basically restricted to using crayons downstairs on the kitchen table. We don’t let you color anywhere else in the house for fear of inspiration hitting you in your surroundings. I mean, logically you KNOW that the chest of drawers is not your canvas, but something seems to inspire you during your creative moments and you think: Stars! That piece of furniture needs STARS on it! I’d like those kind of decisions to be left to me, thank you very much.
  • No punching me in the boob. I mean – really? Do I REALLY need to remind you of this rule? WE HAVE NEVER ALLOWED BOOB PUNCHING IN ANY FORM!

I really thought all of these “rules” were things that had been permanently engraved in the Common Sense part of your little brains. It seems I was mistaken as your behavior lately indicates they were written, in pencil, somewhere in the Shorterm Memory part of your brain. I’m just hoping some of the other obvious and even MORE important things like “Do Not Play With Fire” or “Do Not Delete Anything From The DVR” are etched more permanently somewhere.

14 thoughts on “The One About The Boob Punching”

  1. Ack! Your kids remind me of Thing 1 and Thing 2 from Dr. Seuss. I know that awful feeling when you turn your back to do one thing, somehow knowing when you look back there will be yet another mishap or mess. My best friend went through several weeks worth of disasters when her girls were little, emptying the contents of the refrigerater to make “soup” on the floor at 4 am. Still don’t know if anything worked to get them to stop or if they just outgrew it. I hope your kids outgrow this phase quickly. And sore boobs… that’s it’s own catagory of parental nightmare, Ow!
    Hope you survive this without too many gray hairs and battle scars,

  2. Your kids appear to be sticklers for detail. I might add an addendum that no punching of any kind is allowed, because I see a groin shot coming.

    Also, Crayola washable crayons are really, really washable. They are the only kind I allow in my house as I try and convince my one and a half year old that “paper only” is a rule and not just some cute thing Mama likes to say. So far I have washed them off my floors, cabinets, stuccoed walls, and couch cushions (washing machine for that one). And a plate.

  3. Sounds like some attention seeking behavior, maybe your super busy schedules are taking a toll on them? Kids will act out when they can’t express their feelings about something that may be bothering them, they may not know how to verbalize it. Or maybe they are in training for the new Fear Factor 😉

  4. Can’t help but share. After discovering graffiti carved on the couch, written on the walls and drawn on tables, I have asked my children to please be smart enough not to SIGN their inappropriately placed masterpieces. So you know they were old enough to write their names when these things happened.
    I have asked the universe several times why things like not puking on the carpet and not storing your bobby pins in the sink, and throwing glass items leads to breakage must be taught. And that was just today. I keep reminding myself that in a few years I can kick their butts out of the house. People keep saying I will miss them when they’re gone and some days I believe them, but not other days.

  5. My kid is almost 2 and this post does NOT give me hope. She has recently reverted to all the things I thought we had driven home – no climbing behind the desk to strangle yourself with power cords, no touching outlets, no beating on the dogs and calling it petting them.

    I feel very frustrated because she has followed the rules for months and now…

    Good luck and keep us posted. You are one of my favorite blogs and I find how you do art with your kids and other things with them inspiring!

  6. Good to know I’m not the only one who’s got a backsliding kid. Suddenly she’s all fingers in the mouth, hitting and spitting, shut up uttering, throwing things… stuff we SO had down ages ago. And it’s SO not you or your schedule. Nothing has changed for us and Evi’s doing it.

  7. IT WAS PEN! He had found pens somewhere (let’s face it, I’m an office supply addict, pens are everywhere) and had colored with PEN on the couch! ARGH.

  8. Oh…the teenagers and their lack of common sense could be another article in and of itself. We have dogs, WHY DO WE LEAVE FOOD OUT? Also? Piles of wet towels on the floor? WILL START TO STINK. Also? Did you think writing on your walls with permanent marker would be something we’d be excited about? SURELY NOT.

  9. Have you tried rubbing alcohol to get the ink off the couch? I’ve read that will remove ink from leather (if your couch is leather). I have a feeling I’ll be writing a letter like this to my kids one day…Shoot, I may just copy yours 🙂

  10. Regarding the juice in the refrigerator: I’ve started putting a small bottle of milk on a lower shelf so my four year-old can pour his own milk. It is somewhat effective.

    Regarding everything else: yikes!

  11. Sometimes I think that kids take 2 steps back every so often just to make us parents extra appreciative when they do finally progress. My kids have backslid with the same kinds of behaviors (minus the boob punching) and I was pulling out my hair because nothing seemed to work. Eventually, they moved on without rhyme or reason. I do know that, as Christmas nears, younger kids seem to misbehave more and be harder to manage.

  12. Are you at my house? We have had the same conversations (minus the boob punching, but that could start any moment) with our 2 youngest every! damn! day!

  13. Hmmm….I hate to ‘one up’ you but my daughter wrote on our nearly-new leather furniture with FINGERNAIL POLISH!!! And she was older than your children. (Granted, she has pretty significant maturity issues but still!)

    You know what else is fun? When you find signatures on things (walls, beds, hampers) and the owner of said signature cries “IT WASN’T ME!” when confronted. Kids aren’t the brightest creatures sometimes. LOL

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