Health & Fitness.

My Own Worst Enemy. (Maybe Second To The Damn Cold Mornings.)

The comments on the last entry made me feel much better. NONE of you said more often than once-a-week. YAY! Most were in the every 2-3 week zone but some of you were like me in that you aim for every 2-3 weeks but it often gets pushed back to once-a-month because it always seems like there’s more important laundry waiting to be done.

In case you’re wondering? I washed my sheets yesterday.

Now…let’s talk about this boot camp. I signed up for it 2 months ago because not ONLY had I not lost any of the weight I had been trying to loose since Wes was born, but I kept GAINING more. Since I started the boot camp I am no longer gaining weight, but I’m not losing any because I am still struggling with my eating habits.

I’ve been doing this camp for 6 weeks now and while I haven’t lost any weight – I’m seeing HUGE differences in my strength and balance. There are exercises I couldn’t even do 6 weeks ago and now I’m on top of them and kicking their ass. I’m not falling over as much during the workout and I’m much more agile when switching exercises. I can tell that the fitness level of my body is jumping in leaps and bounds. And as I was pigging out on my 7th full meal of the day yesterday (Don’t Ask.) I thought about something painful. I’m totally self-sabotaging.

I’ve been going to bootcamp at 5:30am for over 6 weeks now. He gives a week off between sessions, but let’s just leave that part out for the sake of my timeline. 6 weeks…5:30am…hour-long workouts that make me walk funny…strength…balance. All of these things are things to be immensely proud of. But every day I undo that hard work by stress-eating. Anxiety-eating. Emotional-eating. I could have lost at least 10lbs by now, I’m guessing, something I could really be proud of. But have I? No. Because my eating habits haven’t changed along with my exercise level.

I’m still very proud of myself. I just feel so much stronger. But this is what I liken it to: I spent hours prepping a dinner for my family and instead of sitting down and eating it – I just pooped all over it and threw it in the trash.

Ok. That was gross. Let’s leave out the “Pooped all over it” part and say I just “Threw it in the trash.” The point is still made and I’m not grossed out. Basically, I’m working my butt of on something. Sweating over it. For one hour a day. 5 days a week. And then I’m throwing 99% of it out. I’m still stronger but I’m counter-acting the overall benefit for my body by binge-eating all day every day.


Will this realization change my habits? I hope so. Every time I go to eat something when I’m not even hungry, I hope to stop and think about these workouts and how awesome I’m doing every morning. And how I deserve to see the scale drop and the clothes fit more loosely. I have earned that benefit and I should allow myself to enjoy that and quit fighting against myself every day.

We are our own worst enemies, aren’t we?

We’ll see how today goes. It’s 4:30am. I’m geared up for my workout. Have I mentioned it’s really cold outside when we’re doing these workouts? Well…IT IS REALLY DAMN COLD. That’s another reason why I deserve to see myself thinner…because I’m doing all of this WHILE FREEZING MY ASS OFF.

Update from 2021 – I really wish Kim of yesteryear could have just celebrated her increase strength and balance and not talk about weight so much. I hate she was so obsessed with getting to some random weightloss goal.

15 thoughts on “My Own Worst Enemy. (Maybe Second To The Damn Cold Mornings.)”

  1. Hi! I’ve been reading awhile, but haven’t commented before – but this post struck a chord with me. I do the same thing – self-sabotaging, that is. (Halloween candy is the worst.) Anyhow – this past year, I’ve done better about stopping the sabotage before it gets too bad, and I’ve done it by making deals with myself – “Sure, self, you can eat that cake, but first you have to drink two glasses of water!” “Of course you can have seconds of the fettucine alfredo, but first you have to do the dishes.”

    What can I say – it’s helped me finally lose some baby weight…and my baby is 9.

    Best of luck – keep rocking the boot camp!

  2. I totally am where you are. I did a bootcamp this summer and lost like 6 pounds over the 3 months I did it. While I was over the moon excited about the difference in my times, my strength and just my overall performance, I knew my eating was to blame. I started Weight Watchers in conjunction with my working out and it made a ton of difference. I don’t even think it was the actual program (although I like it), I think it was the making myself accountable for food. Food’s a tough one because you have to eat it. Good luck!

  3. I don’t consider myself a stress eater, but I still sometimes find myself eating too many things that are high in calories.

    Rather than mentally “beating yourself up” for how you’re eating, why not focus on doing something else positive regarding how/what you eat. You’ve already established a great habit in making more things from scratch. That gets rid of all the horrible additives and preservatives that aren’t good for you. Find one little thing you could do (not something to stop doing, something to do!) and add that.

    I’m doing a challenge sponsored by one of the T-Tapp trainers called “T’appy Holidays” and one of the features within the challenge is to get 7 servings of veggies a day. That sounds like a lot until you realize what “counts” as a serving: 1/2 cup of cooked veggies, 1 cup of raw. That little glass of V-8 I have with breakfast counts. The baggie of baby carrots I have as a snack (usually two serving’s worth) counts. Starchy veggies like potatoes, corn, peas, etc. count (but only up to 2 servings per day). The beauty of this approach is that there are no rules about what you can’t eat, so I can have a brownie, or some ice cream, but by virtue of eating so many veggies, I have less room for the “bad stuff.”

    Just an idea. You could pick your own 1 “little thing” to add and go from there.

    Have you taken your measurements? That might be a real eye-opener, because sometimes when you’re doing a vigorous exercise program the scale doesn’t tell the real story (if the scale stays the same, but your measurements go down anywhere = win!).

  4. Vigorous exercise will make you hungrier, too. Maybe not so much self-sabotage as the natural compensation the body tries to make: more energy expended means greater energy intake needed.

  5. Wow! I know just what you mean . . . . I’m at the very end of training for my first marathon (just ran 22 miles this weekend!!!). I started it to get rid of my baby belly, but I have succeeded in GAINING 3 pounds instead of losing any. I burn a lot of calories, but then I feel entitled to extra food I don’t need. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one. I’ve read your blog for a while, but never posted. This entry just sounded too much like me not to say anything.

  6. Have you thought about a food journal? I work out 5 days a week for 90 minutes. 60 of those with a trainer and 30 minutes of cardio on my own. I was losing the random pound or two here and there but nothing that was reflective of all the really hard work I’m doing. I know the right way to eat and thought I was eating clean. Then I started keeping the food journal using, which my trainer recommended. It’s free and holy moly was it an eye opener. It’s keeping me honest about my results and it has been the turning point for me. I started the journal on 9/27 and have dropped 10 pounds. I know you can do it!!!!

  7. For me a food journal kept me from eating too much crap because I didn’t want to have to document it. Another thing was I still bought junk food for my teens but stuff they liked and I didn’t so I could easily resist. When I bake cookies or bars I put the majority in the freezer and then I don’t eat so much all at once.

  8. I did the exact same thing to myself. I kept wanting to be thinner, but was still cramming food in my mouth all day long, waiting for will power to show up or to have some kind of giant revelation, all the while thinking about all of the pants I want to wear and can’t. Finally one day it just hit me – if I didn’t do something different, nothing was ever going to change. If I wanted a change, I had to stop. For some reason that was a pretty lightning bolt moment for me – I still have problems with chocolate chip cookies, but usually I can get my focus back by remembering that if I don’t stop eating cookies, I won’t ever lose weight. For some reason it took me a really long time to realize I wasn’t just going to just…lose weight anyway.

  9. Please keep talking about this; I need to know I’m not alone. I try to convince myself that I’m not overeating, but I really am. I know a food journal could probably help me, and I’ve started one…about six different times. I’ve never stuck with it.
    Anyway, good for you to be going to the bootcamp thing! That sounds like something I should look into…

  10. I also have been doing this working out 4 weeks…going to spin class and see my body changing. Eating is a different story….I think a food jounal and the deal are both great ideas….I hope we can all keep motivating other to do better!

  11. A food journal often helps me get my eating under control.

    Just seeing the list of things I’ve already had will often make me stop and ask myself if I really need that cookie/candy/cheese etc.

  12. I am absolutely awful with the self-sabotage and binge eating. My overall eating has been healthier the last couple months, and I’ve been at least marginally more active, but I’m having more ice cream binges too, and then there’s the Halloween candy and FRIK.

  13. I have the exact same problem. Sometimes I eat because working out more makes me feel starving and sometimes I eat because it’s there and I feel like eating it. Lately I haven’t even been working out but eating like I am.

    The fact that you’re up at 4:30 to do this means you’ve made a tremendous commitment. Keep it up! I am rooting for you.

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