My Reproductive Nightmare

ONE More.


After Wes was born we decided we probably wouldn’t have any more kids, definitely didn’t want anymore for awhile, but that we would wait to make a permanent decision until January 2011 which would be 9 months from when NikkiZ would start Kindergarten. We didn’t want more than two preschool kids at a time because at that time I was working full time and the idea of three kids in daycare made our wallets explode.

Well…we’re coming up on decision time. We have already made a decision of sorts in the last few months. We do want more kids. Living in that cramped house when I was working fulltime – the idea of another kid made me want to punch myself in the face. But now that life is a bit more manageable and our house has a bit more room, I really feel like I want more. But…do we start trying in January? I mean, let’s face it, if you’ve struggled at all with conceptions or pregnancy (like we have) then the only reason NOT to try is if at that moment you just couldn’t handle the idea of another kid. And right NOW? That’s the case. Sorta. We just really want NikkiZ to be in Kindergarten before we have anymore kids so we have to wait until January to reach that goal. But then…why wait? If our past history is any indication, and then the trend for my preproductive tracts to get in worse shape in the last few years, we should start trying as soon as we get out of that Three Kids At Home danger zone.

But…BUT…am I ready to get on the TTC train again? Before I dealt fibroids, endometriosis, and the annoying habit of miscarrying for no good reason. This time I get to add several ovarian cysts to the stockpile of Fun Stuff going on in my lady bits. (Totally the name of my next single, by the way.) So…the Trying To Conceive train may be even MORE fun than it was before. MORE FUN? Really? Can I handle more fun? I mean, sometimes it’s easy to “forget” the challenges when you see your successes every day. Two angel faces coloring on your walls and eating your moisturizers. But when I pause for a moment and look back? It comes flooding in and I think…Why would I want to do that again?

With Wes, we just stayed on the TTC path even after NikkiZ was born because we knew we wanted two and didn’t know how long it would take. We never stopped TTC. This time, willfully stepping back into the emotional heartbreak and anxiety after such a long and peaceful break? Seems so torturous. And masochistic. But, we’ll be doing it. We’ve decided. ONE MORE we keep telling our selves. We would love ONE MORE. Will we get it? Maybe. Will we kill ourselves emotionally and physically trying? No. We’ll probably be much more willing to accept defeat this time around. Too many failures, or too long without any successes, and we can easily throw in the towel. Because we are lucky and we know that. We left the battle long ago with our trophies in hand. We’ll go back in for awhile, but the stakes won’t be as high. The wounds won’t go as deep. It will be tough, but not AS tough. Because our gifts from the previous battles are here to distract us and both remind us why we’ll be trying again, but also why it will be okay to surrender if the pain gets to be too much.

What about you? Have you struggled with building your family? How did you resolve the desire of more children with the pain of the struggle to have them?



28 thoughts on “ONE More.”

  1. When we married we knew we wanted at least four kids. But we didn’t count on the difficulties we would have to get just one! And then there was that burning desire for at least one more, so we took the TTC train ride and finally have two kids. Suddenly, 18 months later, we are discussing it again but we don’t seem as excited or willing to get on the train. My husband’s age is a big factor for him and well, to be completely selfish, we kind of feel ready to keep moving with our lives, not pause for another two years while bringing up baby.

    I have to admit, I wanted four kids for SO LONG, it is really hard for me to tell people we are done at two. And we are surrounded by people who have more than two (my husband’s best friend has six- all boys) there is a little pressure from somewhere to really give it a good think.

    But, everyone has their own journey to take and I can totally relate to you not wanting more kids at the old house and now are willing to consider it at the new house- we have felt the same way. I just think our final choice might be different than yours.

  2. We are right there with you. We want at least one more (Although we only have one right now) but the idea of getting back on the infertility train is just exhausting. I am ready, my husband isn’t just yet. Plus the money… we did IVF for our son (Henry, 15 months old) and will need several thousand for an FET. Plus the hormones and the stress…but oh how I want another.

  3. I sort of gasped in excitement when I read this and my husband said “what?”

    “Miss Zoot’s trying to have another baby! ”


    “Oh, you don’t know her. Nevermind.”

    I hope that this time around the TTC train is easy and quick.

  4. It took us over two years to get pregnant with our baby, but there were no miscarriages and no clear problems. In the end, we got pregnant without intervention and then had the world’s easiest pregnancy. (Followed by a really sucky delivery, just to keep it fair.) That was hard enough, and I both look forward to and dread the TTC with the second baby we know we want in a few years. I can’t even imagine making the decision having been where you’ve been.

    Actually, I can imagine it (though I’m sure inaccurately) because we discussed it when we weren’t sure what was going to happen. We decided we’d choose adoption, because we see blessings in that and had concerns about the wear on my body and emotions. (I start this journey with unrelated, chronic health issues.) We still think we’ll adopt an older child, once our current child and/or future child is older, but we would like to try for one more baby first… And there are so many ways our family dynamic could change either or both those decisions!

  5. We’ve been trying for what seems like forever to conceive our 1st. At first we just stopped taking birth control and figured when it happened, it happened. Now when have had some fertility testing from my OB/GYN and everything has come back normal and so he has referred us to a specialist and our 1st appointment is in Oct. It’s such a huge let down when I realize I’m not pregnant again, but what I hate even more it telling my husband I have failed to give him what he wants more than anything in the world, AGAIN. All I can think is how he wants 3 kids and I can’t even get pregnant with 1 and since we are in our mid 30’s time is running out. I would really like to be done by 40 so that is going to mean back to back pregnancy’s. Ugg

  6. we’re in the midst of that battle as well – Sarah, we’re about to enter the IUI and IVF train, and i’ll be heading to your blog in a minute to see if i can’t connect with you about it.

    we both always thought that when we were ready to have kids, it would just happen – we watched that plan play out for couple after couple around us. a year after starting the journey, we’ve found out my hormones are super low, his sperm has antibodies, and no one can tell us if it will work at all or not. ugh.

    here’s hoping your journey is much easier this time, Zoot!

  7. Good luck to you! I admire your courage, and the space you have in your life for more little ones to love.

    I sometimes wistfully think of a third, but with two full time jobs and commutes blah blah blah, it all seems hard enough with the two healthy, awesome kids I have.

    Might you consider a middle ground? You know, not TTC with the trying part and the calendars, etc. but just not doing anything to prevent it and seeing what happens? That doesn’t really help with miscarriage grief, but at least it might make it a less high-pressure situation.


  8. We wanted at least two, maybe three kids. After losing Aodin, we didn’t know if we could ever have any. Now that Evi’s here, I’m finding motherhood (though wonderful, joyous, amazing, fantastic) overwhelming in a way I was not expecting. Honestly, I thought I’d be better at it. I believe that I’m a good mother, but I thought it would come more easily to me, that I’d be more relaxed and lighthearted about it. On top of that, we KNOW that I have cysts again (two surgeries already) and that I will have to have a stitch put in when I get pregnant again thanks to my incompetent cervix. There’s a chance I won’t be on bedrest the next time, but an equal chance that I will… and how will we take care of Evi if I’m on bedrest when there is no way we can afford a babysitter or something, I make almost no money, and we live so far from family?

    It’s stressful, so we’ve decided to just not make the decision right now. We don’t have to know today, or tomorrow. We have several years before I’m going to feel pressured to make the decision for good, so we’re waiting and hoping it just comes to us.

    Funny how no one ever tells you how hard these things are going to be…

  9. We just knew. One daughter. One son. We were done. We felt complete. I knew because I didn’t see the imaginary third child in our lives. I didn’t hear their laughter or smell their little baby heads. I knew there would be no more.

    I think you just know, one way or the other.

    So, for Christmas last year my husband got me a vasectomy.

  10. Good luck to you and the Mr!!!!

    You are a great, fantastic awesome, super-duper mom and I couldn’t think of anyone more deserving to have tons more kiddos, well maybe just “one” more!!! Will be sending positive thoughts and energy your way!!! πŸ™‚

  11. Oh I’m so happy for you!! You are such a great Mom!
    I really really wanted two but my husband only wanted one (he has 3 older children from his first marriage). I always thought I would have 2 or 3 but am happy with my 1. It took me a lot of years to resign myself to that and even now as I type this the old pangs of wanting a baby pop up. It was a grieving process that I had to go through knowing I would not have another one.
    I work at a daycare for 5 hours a day and keep my 18 month old niece for an additional 5 hours every afternoon so I get my fill of babies everyday–but I would still love to have another of my own.

  12. Oh Zoot, you are always so real and interesting and honest. I have been a long time reader because I, unfortunately, share your same TTC issues and the heartbreak that comes with many miscarriages. After 5 pregnancies, I have my one perfect little girl (2.5 years old) and we too are taking the scary step into trying again. I see myself with 3 children, and I know it will happen, but I’m scared to death of the path to get there. We are just trying to be brave and hopeful and know that if we have to deal with another miscarriage, then we will muster up our strength, deal with the sadness, learn from it, and grow. At least that is what we are telling ourselves but really we are sorta pooping in our pants because we are so scared to deal with the shitstorm of emotions that come with a loss.
    Really though, we don’t know what the universe has in store for us, but I DO know that things always work out. And a family is always worth fighting hard for.

  13. Why not adopt? So many kids need a wonderful family like yours! And it sounds like the waiting would be easier than the physical hells you go through. Also better for the planet to love one that’s already here rather than make a new one….just a thought! Love the blog.

  14. Best of luck to you, however things go. After TTC for more than a year we had a son and, like you, never stopped trying because we knew we wanted another. She came 3 years later and we both felt done. Completely done, completely in agreement. Now I am 12 weeks pregnant with #3, due on my daughter’s 2nd birthday. Never in a million years did we think we could accidentally get pregnant because of our earlier difficulties, but here we are – oops! But a happy oops!

  15. As someone in the throes of three little kids (all under 5, all two years apart), I can tell you you are wise to wait until NikkiZ is in full-time FREE school. πŸ™‚ But damn, three little ones is haaard. And I am always whiiiining about how haaaard it is. Rewarding? Yes. Crazy? Yes.

    We are so done at three. So much so that Oct. 1 — the minute our new year of health spending kicks in — my husband is getting snipped. Four kids would institutionalize me.

  16. Oh good luck!

    We have two, and about a week after my second was born, I started to drop hints to my husband that I don’t want to wait the two years we agreed on for #3. I want to start trying early next summer-I don’t know if he’s sold quite yet. However, we are so lucky to (so far) have easy, healthy pregnancies and babies, so the decision is much, much easier for us.

    You’re totally one of my mom role models! Just thought I’d throw that in there.

  17. I am pretty sure we are done. If we decide we aren’t adoption will be our only option because I’ve been advised not to try another pregnancy. I see babies and see my girls growing and I feel a little sad that I will never have another baby again. But then I think about college tuition and weddings and the fact that we would like to travel again someday and I’m pretty sure we are done. Probably.

  18. I haven’t shared this with anyone. But with our kids turning 18 and 16 in October, we’ve just made the BIG decision to try and start all over again. It wasn’t a problem for us to get pregnant when I was 22 and 24, but now I’m nearly 41, so we’ll see if it happens for us. I’m very excited, with a dose of trepidation on top.

    Zoot, I hope your journey this time blows you away with how easy it is.

  19. Did you eavesdrop on me? (lame attempt at humor) I am in the same boat. After 3+ years of TTC (miscarriages, Clomid, IUI and, finally, IVF that was a success), we have a precious 8 month old baby boy. We want more. I don’t want them so close together, but, it took so long the first time….We decided to not try/not prevent starting this month and see what happens. It would be so wonderful if our next ones were the same age – I just adore you and your honesty and love for your family and Target.

  20. Weeeeeee made the decision very early on in Jasper’s life, like basically the third day, that he would be our only child. And..permanent measures (read: vasectomy) have been taken on Sean’s part to theoretically make sure that is what happens (I know they sometimes reverse themselves or whatever). The biggest reason why we decided this is because of Jasper’s platelet condition and a whole host of scary factors associated with it — it’s genetic, and there’s a 25% chance that another child would inherit it, and Jasper is like…one of the best cases of it, ever. So the odds that another child would have a severe case are high, and…just something we can’t make ourselves gamble with.

    Of course, we both go through periods in which we wonder if it was the right choice. I have NO CLUE what the future will hold, but I know if it’s more babies, we’ll be adopting them or be very, very surprised.

    I think it’s remarkable that you’ve written so openly about your experiences, and love that about this blog. πŸ™‚

  21. I have to run out the door but I saw the title and I was like, must, must read this! And I will be praying for you and wishing all the very best and awww you make such cute babies πŸ˜‰
    I want babies. But I also want a few other things first! Except if I could have all those other things right this instant, I’d be happy to get preggers tomorrow.

  22. man, everyone is either getting pregnant or talking about it! everyones tryign to give me baby fever!

    I don’t have any problems with concieving but after our first son was born, it was hard to decide. It was a very painful journey for us when he was born after a loss of oxygen at or around birth, resulting in Cerebral Palsy and developmental delays. I flipped back and forth on the subject.

    We finally decided we could handle it But even throughout the pregnancy I was nervous and worried about the new one and the first one. I wondered if I was depriving my first son the therapies I wouldn’t have time to provide him myself or be able to spend enough time helping him learn. I wondered if the second would be jealous because we had so much to do with LJ (appointments, therapies, etc).

    I know it’s a different situation completely, but it was a struggle to decide. These days though, I’m wanting more. But like you, I’m waiting for the second one to be a bit older. you know, for my sanity, which may be gone anyway

  23. I am so happy for you guys !! I have to tell you, though, your TTC issues is what brought me to your blog more than 5 years ago… before NikkiZ. At that time, my husband & I were TTC, I had a miscarriage & went on clomid, went to 3 different dr’s & still no baby. I actually found comfort in knowing there were other women out there who were experiencing the same thing I was going through. Then, I lost my job, & my health insurance & it all just went downhill from there. We were never successful & are divorced now. I got back with an ex-boyfriend who has 2 very beautiful daughters that I inherited. And I am determined now to be the best step-mother that ever walked this planet. (The total opposite of the step-mother I have) I always have been a recycler…. Good luck on your next journey…

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