Dad, Grief, Thing 1

We Survived!

Dear Dad,

Another weekend came and went and I didn’t call you to tell you about my week. It still feels weird, not calling you on the weekends. It still pops into my head on drives to run errands or when the kids are napping. I should call Dad… I think it’s because there are so many things I feel like I need to tell you about. So, here it is. You know…because I need more evidence to support me being The Krazee. Like talking to the dead.

LilZ loved his first week of High School. He’s still incredibly lost and jokes that if his friend who is in a bunch of his classes gets sick? He’s screwed. She evidently knows where she is going. He just follows her around. He swears the staircases are all identical and that when he goes down a set of stairs he is never where he thinks he should be when he gets to the bottom.

Yes, I said STAIRCASES. My high school didn’t have a staircase until after I started there. And it only led to, maybe, three extra classrooms? I have no advice to assist him…is what I’m saying.

He’s enjoying his drama class and he’s thinking about joining the newspaper. I’m encouraging him to do all of these things because I just want to know how it works! My high school was so different…no drama department, no newspaper. This is a learning experience for me, too. He also took my camera out this weekend and took some amazing snaps at a local art market. Here is one of my faves –

MrZ was floored I gave him my cameras to use…thinking I’d be too protective of them. I assured him that I was still very protective and that I actually told LilZ, “I’m more stressed about you in the care of my cameras then when you are caring for your siblings.” Because, you know, the siblings won’t let him forget them somewhere. I hope.

Either way – he had a great time and came home with some amazing photographs. I’m very proud. It’s nice to see your child share your interests…I’m guessing you felt the same way when I starting studying Geography. You always loved me talking about coursework…no matter how boring it may have appeared on the surface to the average person.

So…we survived the first week of High School…and we’re very optimistic about the rest of the year. I’ve only been saddened by one observation, and that’s the group of smokers I see standing across the street from the school in the afternoons. First of all, they are much braver than I was. I hated smoking in public anywhere in Knoxville for fear that someone I knew would see me. But seriously, I hate that kids are falling for the same view of smoking as I did. Still. Even when they cost three times as much. Still trying to gain cool points or rebel points by lighting up. I did the same thing, had the same mentality. And then struggled for years before successfully quitting. I know you and I often talked about why we both smoked, but we never smoked at the same time. So we never smoked together. Is it weird that I wish we had?

I wish you could see you grandson go through high school. I know you would be just as proud as I am.

A few pictures from the park this weekend…a park that still reminds me of you since I have so many pictures of you with NikkiZ there.

I miss you. I know that even taking the time to write this goes against everything you wanted for us, when you chose not to drag out your death. You wanted us to be able to quickly move on instead of caring for you indefinitely. I’m trying, I really am. It’s just hard. Especially this time of year, the start of school. We loved this time of year in our home because it meant School Supplies! It may even be tougher now than Father’s Day was. Every time I see a wall of calculators I think of you.

I think that fact, however, would not bother you at all. It would probably make you quite proud. You always did have a thing for calculators.

I love you.

19 thoughts on “We Survived!”

  1. Awww, so sweet. Thank you for sharing. And you’re not crazy. It’s all part of ‘dealing with it’. I lost two brothers in 2002 and then my dad in 2006 so I know where you’re coming from. Take care.

  2. (((((Kim)))))

    That is a great shot. Kudos to LilZ.

    It has been 24 years since my grandmother passed and I still talk to her in my head.

  3. I think this is a beautiful post and you know, it will someday help your younger kids understand your relationship with your dad.

  4. awww Your dad is watching over you all!! He has to be so proud of all of you. 🙂

    Drama as a freshman? I didn’t get to take it until my Junior year because they wanted me to get all these other classes out of the way, one of the things about HS I regret I didn’t push. I wanted to start drama classes as a freshman. I loved it…..

  5. Hugs. Love this… I’ve written similar letters to my Grampa. Your dad heard every word of this… and he’s smiling, I’m sure of it.

    Just hugs.

  6. precious…. girl, i love you so much! i’m so glad you did this. i still think about calling grandma all the time and wishing that i could see the love that was written all over her face when she watched or held my babies.

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    dori says:

    (sob!) I feel the same about my dad. . .

    You are still an awesome writer.

    Can’t believe LZ is in school already! We have ONE MORE WEEK. I can’t wait!

  8. What a beautiful note to catch up … I don’t see what could possibly be crazy about it.

    Teenage smoking? Please. I grew up in KY (tobacco state) where EVERYONE smokes! So, in high school I smoked. Until I turned 19, then I was done. Until I turned 26, then I started up again because of a stressful divorce. Now, I’m stressed with the economy. I need to give it up again. I know that I can — now it’s just the action of “doing it”.

    Also, I don’t think it’s odd to wish you had smoked with your father. Despite that it’s unhealthy, blah blah blah, it is something two people can bond over … for some strange reason.

  9. I miss my dad too. I wish he could have met my husband, instead of just getting roses from my wedding bouqet on his grave.

  10. I hope you don’t mind my saying that I think this is a beautiful way to miss and remember your dad. And by sharing letters to him with the world, you’re creating this wonderfully detailed and true picture of your relationship–and of him–for all of us to see and understand. What a testament to your love for him –and to what a great guy he was.

  11. I was all sniff until I saw the pic of NikkiZ on the slide with her movie-star-glasses, when I burst our laughing.

    It must be something about this time of year…we’ve been talking a lot about Great-Grandma lately.

  12. My father died a year and half ago. It sucks. I always feel for people who lose thier paretns that they were close to.

    It sucks. I know I already said that but…

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