The first day back home after Dad died was like opening a dam in my emotional river. (Heh. Emotional river. I sound like a total nutjob. But the metaphor works so I’ll stick with it.) Everything in my home reminded me of him. The furniture on my porch reminded me of last summer hanging out and eating popsicles. And we didn’t even have the nice furniture then. The bar stools in my kitchen flush my mind with pictures of him sitting there chatting while I cooked during his visits. Everywhere I turned I thought of him. And cried.
My brother and I have been discussing the things we’re doing to torture ourselves. I’ve been wearing Dad’s jacket and t-shirts. My brother has been reading blog entries and cruising flickr. We are intentionally doing things that upset us. Because in some weird way? It also makes us feel better.
Grieving is such a strange process and unique for different people. Since this is the most heartwrenching death I’ve ever experienced, this is the first time I’ve witnessed my own grieving. I’m pleased it doesn’t involve as much alcohol as I would have predicted, but it definitely has involved twice as much food. I also seem to be tired all the time and uninterested in socializing. Many of you have said, “It will take time,” and I’m fully recognizing that…but I’m worried that if it takes too long, CPS may come and take my children away due to Lack o’ Vacuuming.
Oddly, I also find myself laughing a lot. At stupid stuff. It’s like I’m drunk sometimes. I just get to giggling for no real reason and can’t stop. I wonder if that is partly because I tend to fall on humor for all dark times and also partly because I might be losing my mind. Sometimes I wonder if those two things are one and the same.
Either way…I still feel very deep in the grieving process. Between the dirty floors, giggle fits and too-big jackets – I’m still hurting. I miss my Dad constantly. So, I’d like to hear your stories. How long before you started to feel normal again? I know things will never be “the same” – but when do you think I might be closer to “the same” than I am “the krazee”?