You know — the TTC (Trying To Conceive) train is a rough one to ride. Even if you don’t have any solidly diagnosed issues, just a few months of the hope and failures can wear on your soul. MrZ and I have had that “hope” for years now. After we finally had NikkiZ after actively trying for a couple of years, we opted to not use birth control, but also not try every month. I needed a little of an emotional break but we didn’t want to block any chances we might have. We got pregnant one month, miscarried, got pregnant a few months later, and here we are. 8 weeks from bringing in AndyZ to our krazee little family.
After he gets here, we are going to actively use birth control for the first time in five years. We are coming out and saying, “Under no circumstances do we want another child for a few years.”
God – it feels so WEIRD to say that. But – we are at that point where if we have no more kids – we’ll be okay with that. So, we’re taking a break. We’re going to wait until 2011 to consider having more. That’s when NikkiZ will start Kindergarten (Free School!) and it will give me two solid years of having my body back. It’s tough to never be able to look into your own future and plan 100% because there’s always that chance/hope that I might be pregnant. Even the entire time I was training for the marathon, there was a part of me thinking it’s okay to miss this mid-week run because I’ll probably be pregnant next month and will have to stop training. This decision of ours will give me until 2011 to plan all of the drinking and extreme sports I want because we will not be hoping to be pregnant. We’ll actually be going about life assuming we won’t be. Very weird.
I think I’ll actually be a little depressed for awhile. The hope to be pregnant has defined my state of mind for so long, I think it will be a little sad to lose that. I’ll have to get in touch with the me who doesn’t want to be pregnant again. It’s been awhile since I’ve hung out with her and I don’t remember if she’s cool or not. I remember she drinks a lot, that’s a plus! And sometimes she actually goes out to concerts in smoky dank clubs and dances her ass off. I’m not sure how much of that stuff I’ll be doing with two kids under 5, but it will be interesting knowing I could do it if I wanted to.
Have you made that transition? What was that like for you? How much sushi did you eat to celebrate? Did you face any extreme depression or anxiety over not having a medicine cabinet stocked full of Home Pregnancy Tests? Or did you find yourself taking them every month just because old habits die hard? I’m betting that’s what I’ll be doing.