My Reproductive Nightmare

When my conversational skills disappear

After I took the positive test yesterday, I called my doctor to get the paperwork drawn to order my HCG QUANT and my PROGESTERONE tests done. It’s a blood test I’ve now had done dozens of times. We’ll find out the numbers today. My progesterone is always too low and so I always have to take supplements. I have no idea what we want my HCG to be because my schedule never got “regular” after NikkiZ so I don’t know when I ovulated. But – there will be a level that is “high enough we’re satisfied” and I’m hoping we reach that level.

Since I’m so open about these things on my blog, we don’t have the luxury to wait and tell friends and family. They’ll read it here and it’s better they hear it from us. Most people who are prone to miscarriages probably don’t tell everyone day one. But, we kinda have to. And I’m glad because I’m really close to my family and they would want to know – even if something bad happens down the road. So, MrZ called his family and I called mine. I’m not sure if his conversations we’re any better, but mine went something like this:

“Hey {Insert Friend/Family Here}! So, I have some news. I had a positive home pregnancy test today.”

This is where the friend or family member is a little slow to respond because the typical person says “I’m pregnant!” and the way I announce it almost indicates I’m not pregnant and I’m just talking about a weird fluke.

“I feel silly making a big production out of it because with my body it doesn’t always mean what it does with everyone else, and it seems silly to be all “Spread the News, I’m Pregnant!” but we’re trying to be positive, so part of being positive is calling everyone and telling them. So, I guess ‘Yay! I’m Pregnant!’ is what I should be saying…So, uh, you know. I’m Pregnant. They took my blood today and we’ll get results about the viability of the pregnancy tomorrow. Of course, even if the numbers are good I’ve still miscarried before so I don’t know if that will make us feel any better.”

Yes, the run-on sentence is exactly how it sounded. Seriously. Ask anyone who received a phone call from me. Including my brother and one of my dear friends who were lucky enough to just get it recorded on voicemail. I’m awesome.

But – see how effective that conversation is? I leave the person having no idea what they should say. Should they be excited? Should they not? Should they even acknowledge what I’m saying since I seem so hesitant to say it? I’m so lame. And MrZ is constantly reminding me that I get angry with him when he speaks in a negative tone about anyone’s health. He is only allowed to speak positive words so we encourage the positive energy. And he is quick to point out that I don’t do that with my pregnancies. Ever. I always add qualifiers. I depend on the word “If” a lot. None of which = AFFIRMATION.

So: I’m pregnant! Yay! Affirmation!

(I’m trying really hard not to say, “Let’s hope it sticks this time!”)

51 thoughts on “When my conversational skills disappear”

  1. Yay! You’re pregnant! Congratulations. After 7 (or 8?) miscarriages I am currently 16 weeks pregnant with out third child. You deserve a big family. It can happen.

  2. Did you just accidentally drop NikkiZ’s real name in this post or are my English skills lacking? If so, what a cute cute name!

  3. I have not been in your shoes, but I can understand why you have conversations like you do: You don’t want to get your own hopes up and you want to remind yourself of the “ifs”. You want to be realistic and not allow yourself to get too excited just then to be disappointed.
    I am thinking about you and hoping the “ifs” disappear.

  4. Sending lots of good thoughts and prayers your way! I am excited for you! You definitely deserve a big family! Congratulations!

  5. Like I said…you and I are in the same boat on that front and you do exactly what I’ve done. I tell my family right away (and you know…everyone else) because I know I need the support. I need to know that they’ve got my back in case things are bad (because I was a wee bit insane in 04 — haven’t tried again since the boy was born in 05). And, in the instance of our positive outcome, when I got past the first trimester, I needed them to urge me to actually prepare my life for a child.

    Honestly, I think SAs have some serious PTSD when it comes to this…the trying not to be attached…the being attached anyway…

    Long-winded. I understand, I want to let you know that your reaction is completely normal.


    I’ve been where you are and I also realized I had to remain positive…but believe me, when we got pregnant the second time and prayed upon everything holy it would “stick” we also told EVERYONE right off the bat…my theory was…the more prayers the better!!!

    I’ll be thinking and praying for you and the fmaily.

  7. I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one that doesn’t keep my mouth shut about pregnancy just because I’ve lost one before. Your reaction is incredibly normal, and even at nearly 15 weeks right now, I haven’t yet found it getting easier to convince myself that I will have a baby next spring. We’ll all be thinking of you and wishing you the best.

  8. Congrats times infinity! Not to get all wishy-washy and new-agey on you, but it really is amazing what can start to happen when you start saying “yes” to yourself and ruthlessly eliminating the negative self-talk. Yay Zoot Family!

  9. I’m so happy for you too. But I’m still pissed off at that doctor from the last time who wouldn’t take you seriously when you were asking for (I think) an ultrasound. What an ASS CLOWN. I hope you’ve found a better doc or at least that he’s gotten better.

    Chili and cornbread sounds divine.

  10. Hey Mom! I’m at school and we don’t really have a teacher do we are goin to youtube and stuff. It’s FUN!

  11. That’s my son, ladies and gentlemen! Goofing off at school by commenting on my blog! hee. Gotta love that kid.

  12. Commenting for the first time here, I just wanted to give you a big YEAHHH! and say congratulations. I had very low progesterone in my second pregnancy and took six supplements every day, and had a blood test every other day. It worked, though, and I know it will for you too!

    Congrats again!!!

  13. I had a dream last night that you asked me to babysit for NikkiZ…and when you came to pick her up, you were very appreciative of the help and said you had been doing something very important. The whole universe is behind you & this pregnancy, including me waaaaay up here in DC.

  14. Congrats!!!!

    Just saw on Flickr that you are setting it to private. Can you make me a “flickr friend” so I can still enjoy the cute pics of the family!?

  15. What is the appropriate response — I’m leaning towards “Break a leg!”

    I really adore your sense of humor in all of this.

    Good luck, Ms. Z.

  16. Congratulations! Don’t worry, be happy! I will send positive thoughts every time I visit your site. Please add me to your list to see the great pictures of your family.

  17. Oh, look at the news I miss when I’m off the innernet for a day! Congratulations, so happy for the growing Z family!

  18. I’m positively thrilled for you and keeping toes, fingers and even eyes crossed (it’s hard to read the computer screen, but for you, I will do it) LOL

  19. Yay! This pregnancy WILL be wonderful and healthy and viable! YAY!! You WILL! Yay! All the best to you, and many congratulations to you and Mr. Zoot on your pregnancy!!!

  20. Thinking sticky vibes for you Zoot. this one better stick dammit!!!

    Hey, if it does, we’re due at the same time!!!

    Congratulations and Best Wishes!!

  21. I am very happy for you Zoot. But I understand your apprehension too. Hang in there sweets. I am sending all my positive energy your way. I hope it helps 😀

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