My Reproductive Nightmare

Not the kind of archiving of my life I like to do

The bleeding continued through the night and at 5:30am, I knew I lost the baby. I won’t go into the gory details – but you know. You just know. At that point, the bleeding and cramping stopped. We went to the doctor this morning and he confirmed what I already knew – ANOTHER miscarriage. There is a part of me that wants to call that Dr. Asshole from Friday and be like, “I’ll show you! You patronize my paranoia and BAM! I’ll have a miscarriage just to prove you wrong!” But yeah – I don’t think that would make me feel better.

We’re sad. And that’s an understatement. I’m trying not to let myself cry too much because I have to be strong for my family today. I think we’ve decided the best way to cope today is to do something that will make us smile. So we’re going to spend some time with the kids – and just try to remember how incredibly lucky we are.

And then – after they go to bed tonight. I’ll cry.

254 thoughts on “Not the kind of archiving of my life I like to do”

  1. I am so, so sorry to hear this… my heart is just breaking for you and your family. I know there is nothing anyone can say to make this better, and I can’t even imagine how you feel, but I will be thinking of you… take care of yourself.

  2. awww I’m sorry, I really am.
    Thank god though that you already have 2 beautiful children, ( I know that doesn’t make loosing one any easier) and you should just hold them that much tighter tonight and let them know how much you love and appreciate them. Anytime I hear about something like this it makes me cherish my kids that much more and I will definently be doing that tonight…and praying for you! Remember though, it’s okay to cry, don’t hold it all in. It’s how we women deal with these types of things in our lives. I’m very sorry ?

  3. awww I’m sorry, I really am. Thank god though that you already have 2 beautiful children, ( I know that doesn’t make loosing one any easier) and you should just hold them that much tighter tonight and let them know how much you love and appreciate them. Anytime I hear about something like this it makes me cherish my kids that much more and I will definently be doing that tonight…and praying for you! Remember though, it’s okay to cry, don’t hold it all in. It’s how we women deal with these types of things in our lives. I’m very sorry ?

  4. i am verr very sorry. Thank god though that you already have 2 beautiful children, ( I know that doesn’t make loosing one any easier) and you should just hold them that much tighter tonight and let them know how much you love and appreciate them. Anytime I hear about something like this it makes me cherish my kids that much more and I will definently be doing that tonight…and praying for you! Remember though, it’s okay to cry, don’t hold it all in. It’s how we women deal with these types of things in our lives. I’m very sorry ?

  5. There are no words, so I am sending love instead to all the Zoots, especially you. It is not your fault. I know you know this but sometimes you still need to hear it, I think. You are a wonderful mother. You deserve to have as many sweet little babies as your heart can hold. I am so very sorry. ((hugs))

  6. Oh Zoot, I am so sorry! Having been through that process myself (about a year & 1/2 before we had Li’l Foot), I know it’s so hard and I am so sorry you have to go through this. My thoughts are with you today. Be well!

  7. i’m sorry to hear that. i know everyone says it and it doesn’t help, but i’m at a loss for words.

  8. Nothing can make the pain go away, but surrounding yourselves with people who love you is the best medicine….. oh, and maybe a zerbert (aka raspberry) fight. (((Hugs)))

  9. I wish there was something I could do or say to make you feel better. I’m so sorry.

  10. I am so sorry. I haven’t commented in a long time. I had to tell you that you and your family are in m prayers. Take care and once again I am so sorry.
    Kim

  11. Geez Zoot, I am so sorry as well. I was hoping for you. Been there, done that too. Treat yourself well today, thinking of you…

  12. My thoughts and prayers are with you today, Zoot. With you and your family. This happened to me back in February and I truly sympathize with you. There are no words to comfort you so just know that there are many people thinking about you today… *hugs*

  13. much love and all the positive energy i can channel from the universe. you are in my thoughts.

  14. Dammit. After Friday, I felt so good about things for you. I am so incredibly sad for you right now.

    I really love your idea for coping today. Good luck with holding it together with the kids. You will be strong, I’m sure.

    If it’s okay, some of us might not wait until tonight to cry for you though. I’m going to go ahead and do it now.

  15. So sorry. Friday’s report sounded so good. Damn hope!

    May your time with the kids be full of picture-perfect moments and krispy kremes.

  16. Zoot –
    I’m so very sorry for you, Mr. Z and the kids; I can’t begin to imagine what I can offer as far as sympathy or help but know that you are in my thoughts. If there is anything – please let me know.

  17. So sorry this happened. Just doesn’t seem right, does it? Cry as much as you need. Lots of people are thinking of you and Mr. Z.

  18. Oh man. 🙁 I am sorry as well. I wish there was something we could all do to make it just a bit better for you….I will just say some prayers and hope that helps.

  19. Zoot, please know we are all thinking of you and your family. I know that I would not be the Mama I am today if I had not gone through a loss. And I know that there is a spirit somewhere that watches over my kids for me now… We are holding your hand all day, and as long as you need it.

  20. I’m terribly sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself now. Don’t even think about blogging or doing anything other than being with your family. I’m with you in spirit.

  21. I can’t say anything except I am so sad and sorry about your news. It sounds like you have a good plan today, doing stuff that makes you smile.

  22. And eat…? You have to eat! It’s one of the only thing that EVER helps in this situation. If junkie were here I would push her in front of you and tell you to hit her like they do in Steel Magnolias because that might would help too… 🙂

    My heart hurts for you guys. I love you!

  23. I am so so sorry…

    I hope you can find some happiness today, and maybe some release later.

  24. I am so sorry for your loss. You and your family will be in our prayers.

  25. I’m so, so sorry! I lost a baby between my two kiddos so I know exactly how you feel. The best advice I can offer you is to just keep thinking about how fortunate you are to have two wonderful children. You can always try again, if that’s what you want.

    I’ll be thinking about you!

    –Mary

  26. I am so sorry. It must be awful to go through and so difficult to post about. Please know we are all thinking about you.

  27. So very, very sorry. Crying for you and sending good, healing thoughts your way. Hold those kiddies of yours extra tight today and tonight. Cry all you want!

  28. Sweet girl….add me to the list of friends and loved ones sending you and your family only the best of the best thoughts and wellest of wishes.

  29. I’m so sorry to hear that. I hope you and your family are able to smile, and that you feel better very soon.

  30. I am so sorry – yes, feel grateful and lucky for your two beautiful children, but allow yourself to grieve for this one too.

    You are an amazing woman with an amazing family, and great things will happen to you. Okay, so that sounds a bit too much like a fortune cookie, but it’s true.

    We’re thinking of you Kim.

  31. *big big hugs* I am so sorry, Zoot… My thoughts go to you, and your family. It doesn’t make it any easier, but you have two beautiful kids, who couldn’t be luckier than to have such an amazing, strong woman such as you for a mother. It’s OK to be sad. But I hope having them in your life, will make it easier for you.

  32. I am really sorry. I hope NikkiZ does a lot of stuff that makes you laugh for the next few days (weeks).

  33. I’m sorry, Zoot…that sucks, and there’s not much more that can be said beyond that.

    Try to let MrZ take care of you for the next few days and just focus on relaxing and healing yourself.

  34. Its been said before and you’ll here again and again, but I am so sorry this happened to you and your family. The loss of a child at any age is more then any parent should have to endure. Sending lots of love your way. Your in my thoughts today.

  35. Zoot, I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve been there and wouldn’t wish that pain on anyone. You deserve a tall alcohol beverage or maybe six?

  36. My heart breaks for you and your family, Zoot. I am so sad. I feel like I know you just through your blog. I wish I could do something. I am so very sorry.

  37. Zoot, My heart is breaking for you. I can’t say how much I am sorry that this has happened! I pray for peace for you and your family today. Sending many many cyber hugs to you and yours.

  38. So, so sorry to hear your sad news. Amazing how tragedy in the life of a “stranger” can touch our hearts; all the more so when it’s a shared experience. Peace and strength to you and your family.

  39. *hugs*

    I know I’m a total stranger, but I wanted you to know you and your family are in my thoughts today.

  40. I’m so very sorry to hear this Kim. You can be assured that you and your family are in all of our thoughts. Take the time to grieve and then come back as the Zoot we all know and love.

  41. So sorry, Zoot and Zoot Family. Internet {hugs}. Hopefully, just knowing that this many people have you in their thoughts today will help a little bit.

  42. I cried when I read this entry. I want to say something, but I can’t think of a single thing that would be even remotely appropriate for such a devastating event. I’m so sorry that this happened to you.

  43. So very sorry to hear that news. I’m thinking of you and your family today and trying to hold in my tears. Sending hugs for you and your family.

  44. I hate this, for you and for your family. I’m so sorry. Please take care of yourself right now, okay?

  45. oh zoot, i’m so so sorry. oh god, i’m sorry. love to you, sweet lady.

  46. I’ve been reading your site for quite a while, and your news devestates me. I’m so very sorry. We’ve been trying to have a baby for so long, and your story has given me so much hope. You continue to give me hope, and I’m thinking of your family at this time.

    Thanks for being so open and inviting all of us to share your joys and sorrows.

  47. I actually felt my heart break for you. I am so sorry. You don’t have to be strong for anyone. Cry all you want.

  48. Oh no. No, no, no, no, NO. You do not deserve this.

    If I knew your address, I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils…just kidding…but I would send a big huge bouquet of sunflowers. So the internet version (a comment about them) will have to do.

    Hugs to you and yours – will be thinking of you lots.

  49. That is so heartbreaking. I’m so sorry and I’ll be thinking of you, MrZ, and the kids. Definitely hold them all extra tight tonight.

  50. I know that I have never met you, but I feel like I know you from myspace, facebook and certainly from reading your blog each and everyday. My heart hurts for you and your loss brings things back into perspective for me and like everyone else has said, hug your two children tightly and I will do the same with my two. I will keep you and your wonderful family in my thoughts and prayers.

  51. I am so so sorry. I know that doesn’t help much but it’s all I can do.

    I’m sorry.

  52. I am so very sorry for you and your family Zoot. Spend as much family time as you can, and take as much cry time as you need. So sorry.

  53. I’m so sorry to hear this. You guys are in my thoughts and prayers.

  54. I’m so sorry. Such a roller coaster of emotions and hope and disappointment. I’m thinking about you.

  55. I am so sorry, Zoot, but I can’t help laugh at Stace’s comment above, and I just know with friends like that you will be fine.

  56. Sigh. This is not the kind of commenting in my life I like to do.

    I am so sorry for you and your family’s loss. You are right to hunker down with your kids and hug. They are the best medicine.

  57. I’m so sorry. I’ve had three miscarriages too so I know how horrible it is. Prayers, good thoughts and wishes for you. God bless you.

  58. My heart goes out to you and your family. I know I dont truly know you but I feel like I do from reading your blog on a daily basis. I’m so sorry.

  59. There really are no words to say that can make you feel better. After having been through this myself I know that. But I still wanted to say I’m so sorry.

  60. Zoot,
    No words to say how sorry I am for you and your family. So sad! You are an awesome, strong, and wonderful person.

  61. There is nothing I can do but so much that I would like to.

  62. We are sending a great big hug from Nashville to all of you. I have no words of wisdom or sage advice to give – just love. I’ll just send love and prayers everyday!!!

  63. I am so sorry. I had a miscarriage in September and it is still fresh. It still hurts.
    ((hugs))

  64. I’ve only left a comment a couple of times, but I wanted you to know how sorry I am for you, Mr. Z, Lilz and NikiZ’s loss. Please know that you will be in my thoughts.

  65. Oh, I’m so sorry. Every time you posted in the last few weeks, I’ve been afraid I’d see this terrible news. I know there are no words to help you right now, but I really am so sorry.

  66. Awwwe Zoot I am so sorry. That sucks so much. I know you and Mr Z must be heartbroken. My heart aches with you both. {{{{{Zoot}}}}}}

  67. Nothing can be said to do the situation justice.

    Know that you are thought of by many.

  68. I am so sorry, I actually had to get a friend of mine to check your site today while I was at work unable to read. We both cried as if we knew you. Good thoughts for the Z family.

  69. I don’t comment often, but I adore reading your blog. your story had given me hope that one day I too would be able to carry a baby to term. I am so very, very sorry. It doesn’t make it any easier or any better, but know that you and yours are in my thoughts today. Sending hugs to you and know that I am crying with you tonight.

  70. Zoot… I rarely comment, but I wish I could give you a big old hug right now. I’m so sorry for you and the Zoots. You all are in my thoughts and prayers.

  71. I’m so sorry. If I was near you (and actually ‘knew’ you), you’d have a big hug coming. 🙁

  72. *HUGS* If you need anything, even though it would come from Australia, don’t hesitate to ask.

  73. You don’t know me, but I wanted to send you some *hugs* anyway. I’m so sorry for your loss.

  74. im a lurker & i sometimes comment….sorry to hear about that

    *gives miss zoot a cyber hug from NYC*

  75. Yeah, how many times can you hear “I’m sorry” before it kinda looses meaning? But I am and so is everyone else here as well. We love you Zoot. That’s all I can say. Prayers to you all.

  76. Oh, no Zoot. I’m sorry just doesn’t seem to cover it, but I am. Please take care. xoxo

  77. There are no words. I prayed for you everyday when I clicked on your site, and I am not a religious person. Know that at this time of sadness there are so many of us from all over who wanted it to happen for you and we are all sending you our positive energy everyday.

  78. I don’t know what to say. I’m sad. I’m sad for you and your family.
    We love you. Know you are in many people’s prayers today.
    🙁

  79. After 215 ‘sorrys’, not sure this one will register, but oh, how I am for you.

    You are one of my favorite bloggers, but besides that, I can just tell you are a sincere, genuine person, and of course, NO ONE ever deserves this, but for you, my heart does break. You are a great mom, you have a great spirit that shines through and I just hope and pray in my heart you will have another shot at it.

  80. I don’t even know you, and yet I am crying with you. The heartbreak some have to endure when trying to conceive is just not fair. Not fair at all. I am so sorry.

  81. I am so so so so sorry. I don’t know you know you but I feel as those I do since reading your blog all this time. Please know you’re being thought of with prayers sent. (((Zoot Family))))

  82. Oh, Zoot. I wish there were something stronger to say than “I’m sorry.” I am sorry. I’m thinking of you.

  83. Oh, Zoot. I am so, so sorry. My love, thoughts and prayers to all the Zoots tonight. {{{HUGS}}}

  84. So many people are sad with you & for you. I hope that eases your pain even a tiny amount. Wish there was something I could do for you.

  85. Oh guys, I am just heartbroken for you all. Lots of hugs to all of you, and I bet lilz and nikkiz getting lots of extra hugs and kisses at the moment.

  86. Zoot, I have no words to say except your family will be in my prayers.

  87. I truly wish there were words that could somehow make things even slightly better. The truth is no matter how many I’m sorrys you get and how many prayers are offered none of it makes anything any better. It is nice to know people care and are there for you but it doesn’t really do anything. I left something on the forum but decided to stop by anyways. I know how hard a miscarriage is, I lost twins my first pregnancy. But that doesn’t help you in any way shape or form. I am sorry that this is something that you guys are used to at this point. I am glad you have two children because there are so many out there that lose and keep losing babies and never get to experience what it is like to rock a crying baby in the middle of the night…and I feel extremely sad for them. My experience was devastating for me but I did go on to have a beautiful daughter and another daughter due in late july this year. I am so blessed. I wish you and your family all the best. And really honestly if you ever need a shoulder to cry on or just need to vent I am willing to listen. I know you have family and friends in your life that will do that for you as well but sometimes its nice to be able to talk about it without having to deal with the other persons feelings so a third party is sometimes a blessing.

    Victoria

  88. I’m so sorry! I hope you feel a little less grief with each passing day…
    xoxox

  89. I’m so very sorry for your loss. I’d been hoping for the best for you along with everyone else. Your family will be in my prayers.

  90. I’m so sorry. You and your family have been in my thoughts and prayers… and will continue to be.

  91. I’m sooooooooooooooo sorry to hear that 🙁 You are a brave girl and I absolutely adore you, and one day it will work out for you again.

  92. I feel like such a heel. I’m so behind in reading posts and did not even see this until 3 days later. I’m so sorry for you and your family!

  93. I’m sorry seems so inadequate. It’s heartfelt and truly I am sorry for your loss. It doesn’t matter that you have 2 children – you wanted this one. Your 2 living children do not make up for this loss. Hang in there, be kind to yourself and know that there are a lot of people out here in the blogworld thinking of you. Again – I am so sorry.

  94. I know there is nothing to say that makes that pain go away. After two m/c’s myself, I know that it will continue to ache in your heart until the ache slowly goes away. Just know that there are lots of us out here thinking about you and wishing we could do something to take away that pain.

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