Flashback…

Today is my first non-vampire appointment of this pregnancy. No needles, and instead we get an ultrasound. Which, I prefer needles, if you want to know the truth. I’ve gotten used to the ultrasound, but it’s still not something I look forward to.

This is the appointment that should put me about 6 weeks along, and will hopefully allow us to see a heartbeat. However, the exact same appointment with NikkiZ brought disappointment.

Okay. The optimistic interpretation of todays results? The fetus measured at 5w5d. This means that I am not as far along as we thought originally since I’m supposed to be 6w2d along. The baby takes after its mother and is lazy as hell, evidently. Since I am only 5w5d along, there is no heartbeat yet, so none was seen. This 5w5d number actually makes my first Beta seem more average whereas it seemed BELOW average before. Dr. SoNice did order me to take one baby aspirin a day and sent me to a lab for an antibiody test to make sure my body is not fighting the fetus.

The pessimistic way of looking at today’s visit? The fetus died inside of me four days ago and the continued use of Prometrium is keeping my body from dispelling of the dead fetus.

That’s where I was this point last time. Obviously completely hysterical. But it’s weird this time. I don’t know if we’ll have good news (heartbeat!), bad news (no development), or neither like last time. But either way? I’m no where near as nervous this time. I did have a quick experience with anxiety eating last night (pizza, cake, ice cream) but other than that? No major breakdowns. I think I’m just finally ready to just leave it up to the powers that be. I have a blessing in both of my children. If I get more? I’ll be even more blessed. But if I don’t? I don’t think I’ll have the breakdown I had at my failures before.

I guess the point of it all? I have an appointment at 10:30am. Who knows what the news will be. But what I do know is this: I am lucky. Even if this is bad news, I am still luckier than some and I promise those of you still in the trenches of TTC that I won’t take that for granted.

POST-APPOINTMENT UPDATE

Quick update – we saw the heartbeat which was unexpected but awesome. The obligatory “bad news” (because heaven forbid we get a perfect report) is that there was evidence of a little bit of bleeding. This hopefully is nothing to worry about, but I’m not to do anything too strenuous until the next update. So – we’re happy, but cautious, as usual.