Trying to NOT be sad two days before Christmas

I dropped LilZ off with his Dad last night and I won’t see him for a week. I don’t know if there are any other divorced parents out there that have this type of setup (alternating Christmas/Thanksgiving every year) but it is really hard to celebrate Christmas without one of your children. I cried, as usual, when he drove off. The hardest thing is this is the second year without him on Christmas. We switched schedules this year for other reasons (trying to get on the same schedule as MrZ’s family) – so this is my second Christmas in a row without him.

I remember the first Christmas his Dad and I split. We then lived in the same town, so I was going to see him later Christmas day, but I woke up alone on Christmas. No kid, no husband, no family at all. I stayed in Alabama instead of going to Tennessee because I didnt want to miss the chance to see LilZ Christmas afternoon. I remember getting out of bed, looking at the Christmas tree with presents under it, and just crying my eyes out.

Luckily – I have been blessed with a husband and a miracle of a daughter to help fill the void on holidays like this one. And I will see him in 7 days and we do our huge FAKE Christmas on December 30th. We wake up to Santa, we have a huge dinner, we do everything to pretend like that day is Christmas. It’s nice because these years we avoid the post-holiday letdown.

Anyway – so, he’s gone for a week and I’m a little down. And one other thing I can’t bring myself to write about yet without crying all over the keyboard: I had to wean NikkiZ this week. I decided the bleeding nipples on my part and frustration on her part could only be explained by one thing: I had dried up. My supply was never that strong which is why I never pumped and still continued to nurse her even when I went back to work. My body just gave up after 2+ days in Tucson. To tell you how little my body produces naturally? I’ve not even gotten engorged. At all. I quit nursing her last weekend and my boobs show no sign of caring.

No more nurnee-time (What? You don’t give it a name?). One of these days I’ll do a proper farewell because I am sad to lose that, but for now? I just wanted you all to know.

Now that I’m sufficiently depressed, let’s do Christmas cards!

(What? Am I late? Hey – I told you I would be – I’m no liar.)

14 thoughts on “Trying to NOT be sad two days before Christmas”

  1. Sending some hugs to you on this early, early morning. Of course, not as early now for you anymore. (I’m up to give the wee one a go with the nebulizer) Those are two pretty sizable blows at the same time. Indulge yourself today/this weekend. Do something fun for you and/or your family. Impossible to take your mind off of it all, I know. But it doesn’t mean some heavy-duty pampering won’t help, right?

  2. My heart goes out to you. As nursing mom to a one year old I know that I will be a little blue when we wean; just from the hormonal change alone. I hope you have a Merry Christmas Monday and a week from now.

  3. I feel for you on the nursing. I was torn with wanting to stop and not wanting to stop. As for Christmas Cards – our snow in Colorado kept me from the post office… mine are going out late too – but they are ready to go!

  4. I had the same problem towards the end. I pumped for hours and nothing – I’m sorry.
    I’m also sorry you won’t see your son on Christmas, but I love post-Christmas celebrations – yours sounds wonderful.
    I hope you have a good one regardless. Merry Christmas!

  5. awwww. I send out some hugs to you today. I can’t say I know what you are going through as I don’t have kids, but I do wish that as the day goes on, it gets a little better for you. It will never be easy, but maybe the depression will ease up a bit.

  6. Hugs to you. I too am divorced and while we still live in the same town and my experience is not as hard as yours, I do understand. It has been 11 years for me now and I too have a new child as well, but it is still hard. Eventually you learn to adapt to your new reality and you celebrate the holidays in your own way. So, enjoy both of your Christmases. You will be in my prayers!

  7. I got you beat.. I just BOUGHT my Christmas Cards today.

    We totally feel you on the split households. My husband’s son has NEVER woken up here on Christmas Day, and he is therefore bummed every Christmas. I try to do what I can, and that usually includes sexual favors too racy to list here, but let’s face it.. it’s not the same.

    It’s just part of life. And life, in general, sucks.

    But I love your idea of late-Christmas.. what a rockin’ way to wrap up the holidays!

  8. BIG HUGS to you – I can’t begin to imagine how difficult missing lilZ will be, but sounds like you have figured out the next best thing! Enjoy the day, anyway and know that he is missing you too!
    Merry Christmas … and thanks for a year of great posts!

  9. I’m sorry you’re without your LilZ, and having to quit nursing at the same time-that’s rough. I’m sending virtual hugs and I’m emailing you for your address to send you a too-late-for-Christmas card, okay?

    Plus, last week’s SNL with Justin Timberlake! The Cup O’ Noodles guy! “D*ck in a Box”! The Barry Gibb Talk Show! You must have been in heaven, I know I was. Who knew JT was so freakin’ FUNNY?!

  10. Oh Zoot — I know you were worried about NikkiZ not wanting to nurse when you got back. But you did so awesome. You did 14 months right? That is such an accomplishment.

  11. I salute you for keeping up the nursing as long as you did. I think that takes some super dedication, especially when you have to drive to her school to do it.

  12. I know this is late, but seriously don’t feel bad that you didn’t get engorged when you stopped! You just weren’t feeding her that much anymore when you did stop, so there was nothing to get engorged about!

    I BF my daughter for 14/14 1/2 months, and stopped over a weekend when I wasn’t going to be around her much. Not one leak, not a single bit of engorgement, and my supply had been fine before stopping. You’re normal!!!

    🙂 (hope that helps some)

  13. Perfect post for me to read today. I’m thinking that I’m drying up also. (I got my period this weekend) And my baby gulped down a 6 oz bottle last night after his nightly feeding. I had never tried to give him a bottle at night and I guess he’s been starving all along…and I just didn’t know.

    But I’m still not ready to be done nursing him.

    I don’t know what to do.

    Oh well…just needed to share that.

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