Thing 1

Be glad I don’t have your cell number

Hi, you’ve reached Stacey…I can’t get to my phone so leave me a message….BEEP…
“OH MY GOD. You are not going to believe what I just did. I just ordered a corsage for a GIRL that my son is taking to a DANCE tonight. A CORSAGE. A DANCE. A GIRL. MY SON. Did you hear me? Can you believe it? I’m freaking out. Do you know what I did with boys at dances? I kissed boys at dances. KISSED. What if that’s what they do? OHMYGODIMFREAKINGOUT.

I know you have important things to worry about right now. Like your final exams of your last semester of college. And maybe that huge project you’ve been working on. Or your job. Or your two kids. I know you have stuff going on…BUT YOU MUST DROP IT ALL! Did you hear me? GIRL. CORSAGE. DANCE. DATE.”



Hi, you’ve reached Stacey…I can’t get to my phone so leave me a message….BEEP…
“OHMYGOD. Your voicemail totally just cut me off. What if you didn’t get my message? What if you didnt hear the emergency. Here it is: MY SON IS GOING TO A DANCE WITH A GIRL TONIGHT. That is the emergency. You must drop whatever you are doing and call me back because I think I’m going to ground him and I can’t think of a good reason. Should I buy some weed and plant it in his room and then be all LilZ! There’s weed in your room! You’re grounded! Should I? Or maybe ‘accidentally’ lock him in his room and then ‘lose’ the key? I MUST STOP HIM.”



Hi, you’ve reached Stacey…I can’t get to my phone so leave me a message….BEEP…
“OH MY GOD. Your cell phone keeps hanging up on me! Okay. Here’s the quick version in case you missed my last two messages: LilZ has a date tonight with a girl and I want to stop it from happening. Forever. Is it too late for an all-boy boarding school? Do you know of one open right now that I could ship him too? CALL ME.”

21 thoughts on “Be glad I don’t have your cell number”

  1. Oh my gosh, you CRACK me up! I have a 2 1/2 year old son and want to just stop time now. I cannot imagine when I have to deal with this one day! ACK! I want him to be my baby boy forever! Good luck and I hope LilZ has a good time. (but not too good lol, for your sake!) Happy Friday!

  2. This is your funniest post yet. Thank God I’m the only one in the office right now. My co-workers are really starting to wonder about me. I don’t think they’re buying my excuse that I find real estate & development ridiculously amusing. Go figure.

    You know, of course, that we will want to hear all the details of this catastrophic event.

  3. I went to an all-girls high school and still got all the way to third base by the time I graduated. It’s over, Zoot. Your son is officially boyfriend material. πŸ™‚

  4. Eek! Get thee to a nunnery! Or, a monastery, I guess.
    Seriously, though, he’s a pretty grounded (well, you know) kid and you’re a great mom. I think he’ll be cool with asking you any questions he has, and just being open with you, because again (just in case you didn’t get it the last time :P) you’re a GREAT mom. And you love him oodles, which is by far (and away!) the most important thing.

  5. You could totally go the “cool mom” way with it and give him tips about how not to be a drooly kisser. The female race will thank you.

    I know I know. Not helping. Poor mommys. I feel your pain.

  6. dude, your son’s gonna kiss a girl tonite!

    ya know, he might be one of those boys who gets to kiss MORE THAN ONE GIRL TONITE. i remember those boys from junior high dances. the ones who are so cute and mac-daddy that no one seems to care that the guy they went to the dance with is kissing another girl. cuz he’s that good he must be shared.

    that could be your son!!!

    plant the weed now while you still can ….

    although, if you plant weed, he could get sent to juvi, and you know what happens there …


    you’re screwed either way.

  7. This post is too funny. I totally know how you feel because I have a daughter your son’s age. She will not be allowed to date until she is 25!

  8. LOL… maybe (just maybe) it’s time to switch to decaf? πŸ˜‰

    Of course, this is someone who’s son is still “safe” in the first grade and thinks that girls have cooties. Come talk to me in a couple years, I’m sure the story will change.

  9. Last night I met my 14-year old daughter’s boyfriend’s mom at the winter band concert. She was nice–I bet we could be friends. (Daughter heard screaming: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!)

    This morning I gave my daughter the old “you can tell a lot about a man by the way he treats his mother” speech.

    It follows that LilZ will obviously be a good boyfriend.

  10. Lose the car keys. All of them. Fastest way to not be able to leave the house.

    (He might kill you with whining and/or eye rolling if you do this. Just a warning.)

  11. I think you should let him go!! He is awesome!! And if you send me, I mean him yo a boarding school he will miss his friends!!LOL!!!

    Not lilz

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