Thing 2

Why can’t grown-ups have naked lunch?

I have spent quite a bit of time the last nine months at NikkiZ’s daycare, allowing me to get to know some of the kids in her class quite well. Now that I’m only nursing her once during school hours, I even have extra time on my lunch to stay and play with the munchkins. This has earned me the title of Adult Who Is Loads of Fun But Never Has to Discipline. Kinda’ like your kids’ favorite aunt or uncle. The one who brings them candy but doesn’t stick around for the sugar rush and inevitable crash that follows? That’s me.

Today I was there when it was pre-lunch prep time. As it turned out – today was Chili day. In Toddler Classroom Speak that means “Naked Lunch” where they remove clothing from the waist up in an effort to reduce the staining of the clothes. I decided to stick around and help out a bit since I had a whole hour to spend over there. Let me tell you: Naked lunch is not as fun as it sounds.

I have never witnessed a more disgusting scene before in my entire life. There were beans up noses, chunks of ground beef in between toes, and applesauce (Who puts chili and applesauce together?) on every strand of hair on every head. And let’s not get started with the number of times I saw food come OUT of the mouth, only to be put BACK IN again.

One of NikkiZ’s friends kept trying to feed me one of her saltines that she had soaked in chili, dipped in applesauce, gummed for 5 minutes and then double-dipped in the chili again. I tried to be polite, “No thank-you, I’ve already eaten…” but she was so insistent! I ended up taking the cracker and pretending to eat it. She seemed satisfied.

I left the school thankful for two things: (1) That I don’t teach toddlers and (2) That I don’t have more than one kid skilled at making those kind of messes. I think if I had more than one? It would be dinner in the bathtub every night.

11 thoughts on “Why can’t grown-ups have naked lunch?”

  1. There’s a really trippy book by Wiliam Burroughs called Naked Lunch that’s definitely for adults only, but I don’t know if that helps you at all.

    Also, chili??? To BABIES? Holy shit, that’s insane! Not only the mess itself, but also the terrible diapers they are going to be changing a few hours later. Yikes, I don’t even want to think about that too hard.

  2. I hear ya on the more-than-one deal. My brother has twins, and I”ve been there during supper time. SCARY.

  3. I used to teach toddlers. Believe it or not, I miss Naked Lunch.

    I also miss Naked Art Time. It’s really interesting when 3 hours after all the kids are cleaned up, someone sneezes and suddenly there is blue paint everywhere. Ewww!

    It was so much fun though.

  4. When Hoss was about 3 and Lil Joe was about 1, I used to take them straight from the dinner table to the bathtub (do not pass go, do not collect $200) on the nights we had spaghetti for dinner. I stripped them in the tub instead of wasting precious seconds going into the bedroom, since I was afraid I would stain the carpet or sheets with the food that had gotten into their hair, ears, nails, nose…

  5. I have 2 daughters that are 17 months apart. From the day they could sit at the dinner table we have had naked meals. I mean they are slobs and why create more of a mess for me to clean. Most of the time the floor around the table is a disaster zone. Beware of two and be verry scared of three. I have a new baby on the way. The girls are 1 1/2 and almost 3 years old. I’m asking for trouble.

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