On Body Image and Radical Self Love

Food, my nemesis.

If you just look at a picture of me right now, you might not know how big of an “issue” I have with food. I am only 5ft 2in, and at one point post-LilZ, I weighed 187lbs. That person? Obviously had an issue with food. Because it is a daily (hourly? minutely? secondly?) struggle, I don’t weigh that much today, but I am trying my best to get back to pre-pregnancy weight. As of Saturday? It was only 5lbs away. Then? We celebrated Father’s Day, and NikkiZ got sick, so I got stressed and tired which means I had to COPE. And I have a hard time COPING with ANYTHING without food. So, what did I eat yesterday?

Breakfast: A chicken biscuit and hasbrowns from Chic-fil-A. Remember – I quit eating meat at the first of the year.
Lunch: A smoked salmon sandwich, not so bad. FOLLOWED BY: A large Reese’s Peanut Butter Blast from Sonic
Dinner: Oh, Lord. I don’t think I ate a real “dinner.” I had some (read: A LOT) Deli chips from Target, part of LilZ’s turkey croissant, a Little Debbie Swiss Cake roll from a gas station, a pack of crackers and a cereal bar when we got home around 8pm. HEALTHY.

Where am I today? I am now SEVEN pounds from pre-pregnancy weight. In the big picture? This is not a big deal. But if you’ve struggle with keeping your weight at a certain point anywhere in your life, you understand that backtracking two pounds can be a death sentence to any diet. You get depressed and hate yourself and kinda think about just giving up. And it sucks. Two pounds quickly turns into ten and you find yourself going backwards quicker than you can say “One large bean dip to go, please.”

Note from 2020: I have deleted dozens of these stupid entries in the blog cleanup, me obsessing about my weight. I decided to leave this one just to document how obsessed I used to be. For the record? I currently weight 50+lbs more than I did the day I wrote this entry and I don’t obsesses about food or my weight anymore. It’s a much better world to live in.ย 

16 thoughts on “Food, my nemesis.”

  1. Don’t get down on yourself Zoot! If it helps, I found your post encouraging. I’m 5’2″ also and weigh…well, too much. ๐Ÿ™‚ Good to know the scale is capable of moving down. You look great in your pictures!

  2. I know my weight is a problem, I just haven’t wanted to deal with it. It is hard to believe, looking at you now, that it is an issue for you. You look gorgeous! I started a new blog to keep track of the weight thing and seeing those numbers on the screen kinda shocked me. Public humiliation = motivational tool!


  3. Going back up on the scale can be depressing. Almost as depressing as staying the same weight for weeks even after taking extreme measures to lose weight. I’m sure you’ll get back on track soon.

  4. (((hugs))) I need to loose 30 and just don’t have the willpower. And mine can’t be blamed on any kind of pregnancy weight ๐Ÿ™

  5. Don’t get down on yourself for 2 pounds!

    I won’t go into the details, but I gained a TON of weight with IF treatments and 2 successive viable pregnancies. I joined a gym a little over a month ago and even got a personal trainer. He says to only weigh once a month – the important thing is losing fat and gaining muscle. Don’t judge based on scale weight alone.

    Hang in there!

  6. First of all stop weighing yourself every day. Weigh once a week at the same time. Spend some time planning what is a healthy snack. I have those 100 calorie bags in the house and at my desk at work all the time. I also have a bag of cleaned ready to eat carrots sticks and celery sticks. Cereal is your friend, you can have 2 cups of crunch! for a couple hundred calories, even the sugar kind. They make mini bags of popcorn that are great! Plan to have your krispy kreme doughnut, say on Saturday with LilZ and Mr Z. Plan to have 1 or 2, dont buy a dozen, buy what you are going to eat right then and reasonably. Not 6! ๐Ÿ™‚ Plan to go to your favorite Mexican joint. Eat your favorite thing! Then get right back at eating healthy again. Okay this is turning into too much advice but seriously….plan to eat healthy, plan to eat your favorites and stay off the scale but once a week and you will be just fine!!!!
    Sorry….didnt mean to go overboard. Love your blog!!!!

  7. I can SO identify with how you feel. I had large babies and with that large weight gain. 90 with the 1st and 60 with the most recent little girl. It took me 9 years to lose the extra weight from the 1st – 75 pounds! Then I met my husband, got married and 2 years later gained 60 with Little Bit. Now I’m down 40 and getting there slowly. She’s 16 mo. old. It’s a hard road and I’ve traveled it all of my life! ๐Ÿ™‚ Besides, I think you look Mah-ve-lous Dahling!

  8. Why must food be SO GOOD? I mean, man, it’s hard to try and watch what you eat when all that yummy stuff is around!
    I’m 5’2″ also (with the shortest legs EVER) and I weigh 160. Can’t shake the extra weight I gained with the kids, who are now 5 and 6. Once upon a time I was 110 – 120 pounds, but, well, that was pre-babies. ANYWAY, my point was, YOU ARE F’N AWESOME for losing the weight, and don’t let a little splurge get you down.

  9. I say as long as you fit into the clothes you want to, don’t worry about the actual number on the scale. It will always fluctuate by a few pounds. And if you insist on weighing yourself, defintely don’t do it every day. I wouldn’t even do it once a week. Food has always been my best friend and worst enemy, but I’m learning to lighten up a little now that I have daughters. I definitely don’t want them being freaks about their bodies like I’ve been.

  10. I think you’re doing great so far. Truly, you’re an inspiration to me because I’m so aching to lose weight after the baby is born. I feel like I’ve been pregnant or trying to get pregnant for four years now and it’s taken it’s toll. Weight loss has been on indefinite hold.

    I think a lot of my problem is because I am tall. If I were 5’2, it would be harder to ignore extra weight. But I’m 5’9 and big boned anyhow so the weight likes to “hide” and then I can handily ignore it’s even there. Until I look in the mirror one day and go, “EEK!”

    I know you’ll teach those seven pounds whose boss. And sonic should be shot for those blasts of theirs.

  11. That’s so funny b/c I’ve just been considering posting about my weight and my struggle with it.
    I’m sorry about the extra two lbs. The only thing I can think to say it brush it off. It happened and there isn’t a damn thing you can do about it. Get focused again and get back on track. You can do it!
    Good luck Zoot!

  12. I totally understand where you are coming from. I’ve had food issues for more years than I care to speak of, including compulsive eating, borderline bulimia and a completely screwed up image of what size my own body is.

    With my big meeting coming up this weekend, and Hubby/BIL’s surgery in a couple weeks, it’s taking every ounce of energy I can muster to not eat a half-gallon of ice-cream at one sitting. I don’t even want to contemplate how many calories I consumed this morning when I got a latte and a cappuccino muffin from the cafe next door to cheer myself up.

    hang in there, and try not to focus on the number you see on the scale. Way easier said than done, I know, but try!

  13. I just read this quote the other day,”There is never perfect, there is only life.” I thought that was way cool. So you had a bad day…oh well…you are aware of it and can do something about…A really awesome book is Body for Life by Bill Phillips and his cookbook Eating for Life is great. I wouldn’t worry…you look mauvvvve a lus!!!

  14. Funny, because I posted about this samething today on my site. I hate dealing with so called “Weight Issues”. It just gets me down and out. The worst part of it all, is I keep saying I am going to go to the gym and then turnaround and find every excuse not to go! LOL.

  15. I could totally go for some chocolate ice cream right now!! Don’t stress about the scale – it’s all about how you feel. Our weight fluctuates depending on where we are in the month. I am 10 pounds away from my pre-wedding weight (i gained 20 pounds the MONTH before my wedding, 18 with my first baby, 30 with the second baby)) and if I let it bother me, the whole carton of ice cream is going down! One thing that does work for me is not eating after 7:00 pm. No matter what! Seriously dude, it’s very tough – but it seems to be working. Plus I feel better. now… where is that ice cream?

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