Thing 1

The kind of stories you don’t find in parenting books.

My last years in college were spent in a program that required 10+ hours of lab time every week – on top of the 14+ classroom hours. I also worked (in my department at the college) and, of course, was a Mom. This made me a tad bit tired, which could possibly be the world’s biggest understatement.

There was one night when I was up late at the lab with LilZ and I was finishing up some displays for the next day. I had talked LilZ into going to sleep on the couch in the lab while I finished my work. Around 2am or so I was so tired I somehow convinced myself that I needed to lay down with LilZ for “just a minute” to get some rest. I ended up waking up at 7am the next morning – FREAKING OUT. Luckily, LilZ was still in his uniform from the day before, so I just took him to school exactly as he was.

Yes, I sent him in the EXACT same clothes as he had worn the day before. Something I consider to be one of the less-acknowledged benefits of uniforms in schools. One of my finer parenting days, I believe.

LilZ, of course, loved it and to this day likes to tell people about the night he spent in the castle at his mom’s school.

Another time? I was so tired and all I wanted was a “small” nap. I got out LilZ’s crayola markers and said, “Mommy is going to lay down here on the floor and shut her eyes. You can color whatever you want on me, and just tell me when you’re done. But take your time and do a good job, okay?”

He woke me up told me he was done a good 45 minutes later and I went to the bathroom to see the damage. It was quite a sight to be seen. I had balloons and letters and numbers and god-only-knows what else all over my arms and face. But I didn’t care, I got a NAP out of the deal. He could have covered me in dog shit if it would have allowed me some shut-eye.

The next time I went to the bathroom to pee? I stood up and saw the weirdest thing on the toilet seat. There were streaks of purple and blue and orange all over it. At first I thought I was dying of a rare condition that made me poop rainbows, but then I turned my back towards the mirror and saw that on the back of my thighs, below the edge of my shorts, LilZ had written “I LOVE MOM” in large rainbow letters on BOTH legs. I had smudged his artwork when I sat on the toilet and I left behind streaks on the toilet seat.

Motherhood is SO glamorous.

15 thoughts on “The kind of stories you don’t find in parenting books.”

  1. I now know I am officially your stalker (and officially have no life) because I can positively tell you that you already told us that first story before.

  2. Yabbut, as a non-Mom, that’s the stuff that makes me want to be a mom. Who wants to be Robot-Mom? One who isn’t tired, and doesn’t nap and does and says all the right things?

    I want to be the mom pooping rainbows. At least she’s a real person 🙂

  3. OMG, I am totally laughing out loud. Ah, college motherhood. I remember feeling exactly like this — “He could have covered me in dog shit if it would have allowed me some shut-eye” — on so many occasions.

  4. This made me laugh SO HARD, especially when you got to the part about pooping rainbows, omg!

  5. Disease that causes rainbow poops – that’s classic!!! You always make me laugh just when I need to!

    At least your college coloring was caused by your son and with your permission instead the of markers that come out when passing out before the rest of your friends – that never happened to me because I was usually the last one down but one of my friends – she had to wear jeans and long sleeve shirts because we used permanent marker on her and that shit did not come off for weeks!

  6. Too funny. Mom moments definitely happen, and I know my mom has a few – like the time she was hungover after my aunt’s rehearsal dinner. We were in San Francisco and because of the time diffference my brother and I woke up at 4 in the morning. Since she was not feeling well she put us in the bathroom so that we would be contained and in a different room, and she figured we couldn’t make too much of a mess. Ha! We painted the whole room in bright red foam soap that left a stain on everything. In the newly renovated marble coated bathroom. Oops!

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