I just wrote a really long entry about how all these things are going great in my life, my skin is clear, I lost another pound, my son is getting good grades, etc. But then I deleted it all because I felt like I sounded kinda like a snotty bitch. How sad is that? I think I actually felt GUILTY when I saw how good my life was going written out in word form and wanted to delete it all because I felt so bad, like I don’t deserve that much goodness in my life. There’s a part of me that will never feel like I deserve anything good, much less, EVERYTHING good at one time. And since life is good to me right now, I felt like I definitely don’t deserve to BRAG about it. Jeez. Who do I think I am?
I jokingly blame my guilt issues on my Catholic upbringing because that is cliche and everyone “gets” it. But I really don’t know where they came from, I just know that they are very much a burden to me in every way. Guilt issues are funny because I find myself feeling guilty for bitching about feel guilty. And then? My brain explodes and I curl up in the fetal position and start mumbling about fuzzy socks.
(Why fuzzy socks? Who knows.)
There is just a large part of me that still feels so bad for mistakes I’ve made in the past, that I can’t quite allow myself to completely enjoy the good in my life without part of me waiting for the other shoe to drop. When something negative does happen in my life, there is always a part of my that says, “Well, yeah, it’s because you were an evil bitch that one time and…” See? Sicko.
My point? There are a lot of things I’m really happy about in my life right now. Unfortunately, there’s also a lot of Krazee left in my mind that won’t let me blog about it. See? Sometimes I like to hog all the krazee and keep it to myself.