Thing 2

Working Mom

My dearest NikkiZ,

I have been DREADING this day for the last 12 weeks. My first day back to work. I thought the best way to ease my guilt would be to write down how sad I am so that when you are blaming my being a working mom for any of your problems, there will be proof that I didn’t like doing it. And then, maybe, you can blame your dad instead. (Just kidding. Kinda.)

NikkiZ, these last 12 weeks have been so dear to me. I have loved every moment with you. I was so scared to have a daughter, afraid I wouldn’t know how to raise you. But since the day you’ve been born, I’ve felt like you and I have been friends my whole life. The only times I have willingly passed you off to someone else is when A) They asked or B) I needed to do some sort of chore that required something else being in my arms other than you. Like laundry. Or dishes. Or your father as I had to carry him into bed after he passed out drunk on the couch again.

JUST KIDDING. Your father always tries to pass out drunk in BED, not on the couch.

Can you tell I cope with sadness by being a smartass?

Anyway. I love nothing more than holding you in my arms. I’m actually holding you on my shoulder right now, as I type this. It’s one of the many skills I’ve master in the last few weeks. Another one is rewriting any song to use the words “Poop” and “diaper” and “nasty”. My favorite was when I changed “Its getting hot in HERE, so take of all your clothes…” to “That is a stinky smell, so take off that poopy diaper…” Your mother is SUCH a freakin’ genius.

Where was I? Oh yeah – I love holding you. I really do. And the fact that I’ll have to go at least three hours at a time between chances to hold you KILLS me. I am lucky I’ll at least be able to go nurse you every three hours, but those three hours are going to feel like three weeks as I sit at my desk knowing someone else is soaking in your smiles and smelling your head.

I would love nothing more than to stay home with you. But, I can’t. And I truly feel that in the long run, you will benefit from seeing me working and from learning to socialize. I was a day care kid and I turned out fine.

(We’ll discuss what “fine” means some other day).

I just hope that you always know how much I love you. And I hope you’ll know that this day is one of the hardest in my life. I worked so hard to get you here, leaving you in someone else’s care just feels so WRONG. But hopefully this will only challenge me to make the most of our hours every day together. I will promise to be a big girl and try not to cry when I leave you today, if you promise to not to use up all of your smiles on your teachers. Save a few for me, okay?

I love you my precious angel. And even though writing this brings tears to my eyes, I know how blessed I am to have you in my life. You are truly a gift and I promise to cherish you whenever I can.

Love, Momma

36 thoughts on “Working Mom”

  1. Girl, I’ve been thinking about you the past couple of days… I KNOW this is so hard for you all!! It still seems hard when I drop Lauren off. For FIFTH grade! If I lived closer?? I would just take that baby with me to the lab! Then they would ALL be little geo babies!

    I think we need some KKs to feel better. ; )

    And, girl? Who are you kidding? Though you may try? I know you’re gonna ball today. But it’s OK b/c moms are supposed to be emotional wrecks. SOMEBODY has to! Heh.

    I LOVE you ALL SO much!! Please give me the update periodically today. I’ll be thinking of you.

  2. Zoot, what girl wouldn’t be riDICulously proud of having such a quirky, utterly attentive Mum?

    It sounds like you’re doing things smashingly. You’ll be fine with all these changes, you’re a groovy chick

  3. Take it one day at a time. I know it’s hard, but you are an awesome mom and surely NikiZ knows that and will see that growing up.

  4. It’s hard, Zoot but wait until you see the smile you get when picking her up. My little girl will be 1 the 31st and she has said “Da Da” for months! But when I pick her up she “hums” out a Mma..ma..ma..mmmma and the biggest grin ever!!

    Thinking of you today! 🙂

  5. God, you’ve made me remember just how hard it was to go back to work after Elizabeth was born. The only thing that makes leaving her at daycare ok to me is when she comes running up to me screaming “Mommy” when I pick her up. It still doesn’t make it great, but it does make it ok.

  6. Good luck! I know it’s going to be hard. I can’t believe you’ve been home with her for twelve whole weeks; I can’t imagine how it must have flown by for you!

  7. Yeah, these 12 weeks have flown by. BUT here where I work you only get 6 weeks of maternity leave @ 50% pay. Do they think that’s equal to 12 weeks of unpaid? Maybe they do but I know 6 weeks would never be enough for me. And after reading the blogs of both you and Amalah, I’m not even going to have babies until my husband (whoever that might end up being) can make enough money for me to take off an ENTIRE YEAR. Cuz I’m not as emotionally strong as I think you two are. Anyways, I ramble… good luck today, you know we are all pulling for you.

  8. Good luck today. I’m wishing for you that it goes by super-fast and you’ll be back home with NikkiZ as soon as possible.

  9. Wow. Now I am tearing up. Those kids are so lucky to have such an amazing mom. Good luck today….wish I had some words of comfort to try to make it easier…

  10. You can do this, girl………as horribly hard as it is. Your sweet girl is blessed to have you…….working or not, I KNOW you’ll always be the best mom to her you can be. And that? Is a FREAKING AMAZINGLY WONDERFUL one!

  11. Keep your chin up and always leave her with a smile and an “I love you”. Pack a lifetime supply of kleenex into the car (it should last a good week) and have your good cry – it’s the only way I made it through and chances are you won’t be the only one crying in the parking lot of daycare. You can do this, and you know you’re totally right – she will be FINE – and it may even end up being good for her.

  12. good grief, you could at least provide a tissue warning sign. *hugs* good luck today Mama…

  13. Dammit, Zoot! These are the posts that need to come with a GIANT warning sign and a siren going off so that the hormonal, pmsing women know to grab a box of tissue! You’ll be fine today and NikkiZ will do even better than you will. Have a good cry, if needed. Lord knows I just did.

  14. awww zoot…**hugs** i know comment hugs aren’t the most comforting kind, but i really do feel for you. i’ll be going through the same thing in a few months. if it means anything, i think you’re a GREAT mom and that’s not gonna change even if you do have to go back to work. i hope today’s going as good as it can be!

  15. Awwwwwww! We feel ya sister. You’re pretty good at describing your feelings – maybe too good…I’m all misty too.

  16. Awwe, so sweet……some times the best decisions are also the hardest….at least you have every three hours right?

    PS I HATE those dam pants the girls wear, they just scream…hey dude, look at my ass!

  17. You are such a fabulous mother – I wish I knew you IRL. Your children are beautiful, and I always enjoy checking in on your blog. I know how hard it is for you to leave your beautiful daughter, and I wish you all the best.

  18. Big hugs to you! I am sitting here crying. I return to work Monday (thankfully just Mon-Thurs.) after working from home almost a year. My baby is 10 months old and she’ll start daycare Monday. Her big sister is a daycare babe, too. Good luck and hang in there!!!!

Leave a Reply Cancel reply