My dearest NikkiZ,
I have been DREADING this day for the last 12 weeks. My first day back to work. I thought the best way to ease my guilt would be to write down how sad I am so that when you are blaming my being a working mom for any of your problems, there will be proof that I didn’t like doing it. And then, maybe, you can blame your dad instead. (Just kidding. Kinda.)
NikkiZ, these last 12 weeks have been so dear to me. I have loved every moment with you. I was so scared to have a daughter, afraid I wouldn’t know how to raise you. But since the day you’ve been born, I’ve felt like you and I have been friends my whole life. The only times I have willingly passed you off to someone else is when A) They asked or B) I needed to do some sort of chore that required something else being in my arms other than you. Like laundry. Or dishes. Or your father as I had to carry him into bed after he passed out drunk on the couch again.
JUST KIDDING. Your father always tries to pass out drunk in BED, not on the couch.
Can you tell I cope with sadness by being a smartass?
Anyway. I love nothing more than holding you in my arms. I’m actually holding you on my shoulder right now, as I type this. It’s one of the many skills I’ve master in the last few weeks. Another one is rewriting any song to use the words “Poop” and “diaper” and “nasty”. My favorite was when I changed “Its getting hot in HERE, so take of all your clothes…” to “That is a stinky smell, so take off that poopy diaper…” Your mother is SUCH a freakin’ genius.
Where was I? Oh yeah – I love holding you. I really do. And the fact that I’ll have to go at least three hours at a time between chances to hold you KILLS me. I am lucky I’ll at least be able to go nurse you every three hours, but those three hours are going to feel like three weeks as I sit at my desk knowing someone else is soaking in your smiles and smelling your head.
I would love nothing more than to stay home with you. But, I can’t. And I truly feel that in the long run, you will benefit from seeing me working and from learning to socialize. I was a day care kid and I turned out fine.
(We’ll discuss what “fine” means some other day).
I just hope that you always know how much I love you. And I hope you’ll know that this day is one of the hardest in my life. I worked so hard to get you here, leaving you in someone else’s care just feels so WRONG. But hopefully this will only challenge me to make the most of our hours every day together. I will promise to be a big girl and try not to cry when I leave you today, if you promise to not to use up all of your smiles on your teachers. Save a few for me, okay?
I love you my precious angel. And even though writing this brings tears to my eyes, I know how blessed I am to have you in my life. You are truly a gift and I promise to cherish you whenever I can.