Pregnant

Do They Make Bumper Stickers that Say “Ask me about my Boobs?”

And the saga continues…

I finally broke down and went to the mall just now to buy a few plain t-shirts in the FIRST maternity section I came to. There would be NO “shopping” or “browsing”. I was going to be in and out and not be detected by ANYONE. The first place I saw? I didn’t even know the name of (Motherhood) until I left. They had pregnant women on the displays – that’s all I needed to know.

I walked in and IMMEDIATELY started suffering an INSANE anxiety attack where I felt paranoid and guilty. Like, What the HELL am I doing in a MATERNITY store? I mean, I know I’m pregnant, but I’m probably going to miscarry so surely this is deception on some level, right? They are totally going to see right through me and kick me out. How do I get OUT of here?

Do you SEE how insane I am? From what I understand this is common for “Habitual Aborters” but it doesn’t make it any LESS insane.

I stepped in and after about 3.2 seconds, the lady started TALKING to me. Can you believe that? She began by asking me if I needed help. And I couldn’t even look her in the eye. I just kept thinking Grab a blue shirt and get the HELL out of here. She asked me my due date, and I stammered. She asked me if this was my first pregnancy, and I broke out in a cold sweat. She asked how far along I was and I just ignored her. Then? I found a plain blue shirt and panicked because OH MY GOD, WHAT SIZE DO I WEAR?

So, she led me to a dressing room and promptly called mall security about the KRAZEE pregnant lady who was acting suspicious. She told them to wait and she would notify them if the situation escalated. She handed me an Extra-Small first because I’ve ALWAYS worn XS tops and that’s what I asked for. She probably added that to the list of reason why I was IN-FREAKIN’-SANE. I mean, have you seen me lately? EXTRA SMALL? WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?

See? I’ve always had size A boobs – size A boobs BELONG in XS tops. That’s what I was thinking.

The top fit beautifully everywhere BUT my boobs. And she asked me the obvious question, “Um, ma’am, what size cup do you wear?” Now – I’ve been ignoring her questions and avoiding eye contact the ENTIRE time I’ve been in the store. But – the second she asks about my boobs? I perked right up and said “A C-Cup, probably needing a D-Cup now…because my boobs have NOT stopped growing in 18 weeks.” And then I just talked and talked and talked about my boobs to this complete stranger who just wanted to help me find a top. We decided, since my boobs would just get BIGGER, I should get a size small top, and leave the xtras smalls to women with SMALL boobs.

So I left – wearing a shirt with no stains and carrying a bag of basic tanks and tees to hold me over a few weeks. I was very proud I kicked my anxiety long enough to tell the woman about the fact that my boobs were SO small I had to have B-cup pads sewn into my wedding dress less than TWO YEARS ago. Why did I have to tell her that? I don’t know. More importantly – why could I tell her THAT but not answer the question, “how far along are you?” I’m sick, I tell you. If you see me out – don’t ask me if I have picked out any names yet. Ask me about my boobs – those I seem to have NO PROBLEM discussing.

22 thoughts on “Do They Make Bumper Stickers that Say “Ask me about my Boobs?””

  1. lmao girl! you’re doing fine. you aren’t as krazee as you think you are. seeing all you’ve endured in the past, you are perfectly justified to act like a fool. *grin* just make sure you don’t wash any of your new shirts with the red one. 😉

  2. On the upside of a generally stressful shopping trip, at least someone appreciated your growing boobs! Is it not TOTALLY grand to have growing bosoms? Most girls would KILL for that!

  3. You so need the shirt that says (small letters)

    Everyone’s watching you stare at my

    (huge letters)

    Chest.

  4. Zoot! You rock! ROFLMAO!! It is so much easier to stand on this side of the pregnacy and say, “dude, you’ll be fine, get shopping!” While I can only image how hard it is to have had a miscarriage , I can assure you that i felt as much a fraud as you shopping for clothes. Which is probably why the last month I was rotating the same two outfits at work! brown pants, blue shirt-monday brown pants white shirt -tuesday blue shirt, blue pants -wednesday…hang in tthere….AND BUY SOME FREAKING CLOTHES. Because you don’t want to be like me with only three pair of underwear that fit …..I would suggest buying a nice sweatpant/sweatshirt outfit. now…for those weeks after the baby, where you sit there in shock because your pre-pregnancy pants stll dont’ fit. (from my littl book on what I would have dont’ differently)

  5. If I really did ask you, it’d be the first time any woman (other than my wife) has EVER talked to me about boobs. Not just their own boobs, but boobs in general.

    So……. are they big?

  6. That’s one of the golden rules of pregnancy. Boob and crotch talk are acceptable and expected.

    Don’t fight it, just go with it 😉

  7. I had to have cups sewn into my wedding dress too! But wait, I still wore extra small tops when I was pregnant. Hmph, I don’t like you very much anymore.

  8. So, um, tell me more about your boobs.

    I think you’re normal. You feel insane, but that’s normal, too.

  9. Bonding over boobs! Seriously, though, I’m sure the lady in that store has probably seen and heard it all from anxious moms-to-be.

  10. You’re not sick or crazy! maternity clothes shopping is a weird experience especially when size-wise, you’re all weird and different.

  11. “A” cup? I remember being an “A” cup… but then I hit second grade.

    I’m just a few weeks less pregnant than you are, and I was a DD when I *started*. So help me, by the time the baby comes, I’m going to have to duct-tape these miserable things to my knees to keep from putting an eye out! So remember, as Erma Bombeck once said, “the grass is always greener over the septic tank.”

  12. “A” cup? I remember being an “A” cup… but then I hit second grade.

    I’m just a few weeks less pregnant than you are, and I was a DD when I *started*. So help me, by the time the baby comes, I’m going to have to duct-tape these miserable things to my knees to keep from putting an eye out! So remember, as Erma Bombeck once said, “the grass is always greener over the septic tank.”

  13. Big hugs, cutie. I understand random anxiety (I could go get my grades, but I’m too scared), but this has to be tough. Much love and good thoughts.

  14. This must be the “tell me about your boobs” month. I am proud of you going into the store. I had anxiety for months about it. And you know what, now I cannot for the life of me figure out why. The people are there to help, not judge. Now, I dont feel so stupid asking for stuff. Just try getting a shirt in XL that doesnt look like you are wearing a tent or finding a bra for 42E chest that keeps growing (I started out a 38D). The other end of the spectrum is just as frustrating. At least you have options for clothes that look fashionable. As far as why you are there, just realize that you ARE pregnant. And god, shaman, and voodoo, be with you, things are going well. Good luck.

  15. Hiya Zoot!

    I have been reading your blog for a couple weeks now and love it. I have not had any pregnancy issues yet myself, but knowing some of what you’ve gone through, I’d say you were perfectly NORMAL.
    I actually think you’re doing amazingly well in the adjusting -to -pregnancy department. What you’ve been through is no small ordeal, and so even going to get those shirts is a victory. Let alone TALKING to the saleslady.
    Don’t be hard on yourself. You’re doing great. I know that I’m a stranger, but it’s obvious that you have a lot of inner strength and Girl!, I really admire you for that. Just go ahead and let yourself be a little kooky and don’t worry about it.
    Hugs,
    April

  16. Hiya Zoot!

    I have been reading your blog for a couple weeks now and love it. I have not had any pregnancy issues yet myself, but knowing some of what you’ve gone through, I’d say you were perfectly NORMAL.
    I actually think you’re doing amazingly well in the adjusting -to -pregnancy department. What you’ve been through is no small ordeal, and so even going to get those shirts is a victory. Let alone TALKING to the saleslady.
    Don’t be hard on yourself. You’re doing great. I know that I’m a stranger, but it’s obvious that you have a lot of inner strength and Girl!, I really admire you for that. Just go ahead and let yourself be a little kooky and don’t worry about it.
    Hugs,
    April

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