My Reproductive Nightmare

24 hours from Euphoria to Misery

10am YESTERDAY: Call OB/GYN – tell them you’ve taken 7 positive pregnancy tests over the weekend. They tell you to come in for a beta. Be excited and glowing already, even though you’ve had 2 miscarriages in the past. One less than a year ago.
11am YESTERDAY: Get lost on the way to the doctor because you’re stupid. Get your blood taken. Get even more excited. Know will find out results of test tomorrow.
12noon YESTERDAY: Write down ranges of good Betas and good progesterone so you’ll know when they tell you what yours is. Good numbers do not guarantee a full term pregnancy – but its enough hope to post to your blog about it!
1pm YESTERDAY: Start chatting with everyone close to you about how excited you are to be pregnant. Cant wait to find out numbers so you can post to your blog.
5pm YESTERDAY: Get home after the slowest day in history. Cook dinner. Hang out with family. Adore your cute and excited husband who is already planning the birth of this baby.
11pm YESTERDAY: Have trouble falling asleep because you’re so nervous about the next day.
6:20am TODAY: Wake up late because you were up late worrying.
9am TODAY: Call OB office. They say nurse Jennifer will call back with results of tests.
9:10am TODAY: Tell a few more people about pregnancy because they are pregnant too! Yeah them!
9:11am TODAY: Start cramping. Start seeing dreams fade. AGAIN.
9: 30am TODAY: Start spotting. Cramping getting worse.
10am TODAY: Write an entry to pass time while waiting for nurse to call back. Sure she will tell me what I already know – that this pregnancy is doomed from the start.
10:25am TODAY: Hear from nurse. Beta is 22. VERY LOW and probably a sign of a miscarriage. But, just in case, I’m getting prescribed progesterone and another beta on Thursday. If my number has doubled? We have hope, but it probably wont.

I’m not doing well, but its more than the idea of losing another pregnancy. Its the idea that I am having the hardest time giving the loves of my life (my husband and my son) what that want more than anything (a baby and a sibling). I feel inadequate and guilty. They both deserve what they want. And I cant seem to give it to them.

I almost closed the comments on this entry – not wanting anyone to feel guilty for not knowing what to say. But then I remembered why I wrote this entry. I love you ALL and you are ALL so dear to me. You are all my friends, and I need to hear anything and everything you have to say.

MrZoot is still hopeful. I am not. I hope no matter HOW many miscarriages or failed cycles I have – he never loses that undying hope he has. Because I lost it awhile back and I need his to keep me going.

78 thoughts on “24 hours from Euphoria to Misery”

  1. You’re in my prayers ‘hon.
    Please don’t say you’re inadequate. You’re a fantastic woman, with a great kid and wonderful husband. Don’t give up hope. ((hugs))

  2. {{{{{MZ}}}}} I’ve only had 1 miscarriage, so I won’t try to tell you I know how you feel. Just know I hope for the best for you and your family.

  3. I will keep hoping for you too. I have never known what it feels like and can not even begin to pretend that I have. But I doI know that MrZ is a wonderful husband and will keep the love he has for you always! Hugs to you!!!!

  4. Oh sweetie… I am so sorry. You will get through this but I have been there and I know how much it sucks (and how there is nothing that makes it better). YOU ARE NOT ALONE and neither are you “inadequate”… you are a fabulous woman who is being tested on her way to what she wants. Be gentle with yourself. Email me any time. ((((HUGS))))

  5. Oh, Zoot – I don’t know what to say. I hope Mr. Zoot is right and his comment on this entry is so sweet. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  6. Im sorry you are having such a hard time. I have no words of wisdom for situations like this except that it is in the hands of someone “higher up”. Dont give up. Your family LOVES y ou SO much. Do not feel guilty about something that is out of your control.
    love you and sending you a million bazillion hugs and best wishes that all will work out.

  7. I haven’t been in your position, so I won’t pretend to really know how you feel–but I can imagine, and I hurt for you. I do know, though, that this is NOT your fault and NOT inadequacy on your part. I also know that your husband and son love you, baby or no baby, and that is a huge blessing in itself. Spend some extra time snuggling with them tonight, and don’t lose hope!

  8. I’m so sorry, that just sucks. I know how badly you all want this, and how great all of you would be with a baby. Why does something that should be so easy have to be so damn hard. You are anything but inadequate, and your worth doesn’t depend on whether or not you can have a baby.((((u))))

  9. I’m sorry to hear that you’re having such a hard time… All I can say is I hope that it gets better for you. I can’t say that I know what you’re going through or anything of the sorts. But I do know this – I feel bad for the people like you and MrZoot who try their hardest to have kids and they are well deserving parents when there are people out there who don’t deserve the kids they have. I know that it’s not the same but you could always adopt a child, even though they aren’t “yours”. I do hope, however, that it gets better and that you really are pregnate. Good luck, Zoot. *hugs*

  10. I think you are wonderful and fabulous. Being pregnant, not being pregnant, these things have nothing to do with what kind of mother and wife you already are, and I know MrZoot agrees (I think he’s the best, honestly. MrZoot, you rock.).

    You would never think badly of him if there were problems in that corner on his side of the table. That’s how the rest of us think of you: that you’re a good, wonderful person having a tough time. And that none of it is because of what kind of person you are, so remember that!

    Huge, monster, wonder hugs.

  11. Zoot, I’m so sorry that you have to be going through this. I can only imagine what it’s doing to you emotionally. I know that I would be a wreck. But, keep yourself hopeful as best you can. Stress is no good for you right now.
    I know none of this is helping, and I’m sorry. But, you know, we’re all here for you.

  12. I’m sorry to hear that, you must be on a rollercoaster of emotions. If I was a praying-type person I would pray for you. Instead I’ll send you good thoughts and wishes.

  13. I’ll stay hopefull too, Zoot. I’m hoping for you. If it turns out it didn’t work this time, then I’ll be hoping for the next time too.

    Thinking of you today. **hug**

  14. MissZoot,
    I know exactly what you’re going through, I lived like that for 8 years. I finally got a no doubt about it positive test result in 1996, happiest day of my life. That was after trying for 5 years. Jan of 1997 my son was born and died the same day, worst day of my life. The following year I started trying again, finally a positive result, but it was tubal, God help me! Then 2 years later I had to have a complete hysterectomy. I had problems from the early age of 15, but I always had hope, and each month it was crushed. The worst months were when I would be late a few days to a week, just knew I was pregnant, only to have those dreaded cramps, right after I got all excited. I am so sorry you’re going through the ups and downs of wanting a baby, my heart is with you. I am praying you and MrZoot will have a happy ending.

    Big Hugs,
    Shina

  15. (((HUGS)))
    I’m keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. I can’t imagine what you must be going through, but think of it this way – it’s just not the right time yet. And there are other ways out there to help you get pregnant, so don’t lose hope just yet!

    A friend of mine tried forever to get pregnant and almost gave up. Then she tried invitro. She got pregnant with twin girls and though they were born extremely premature and passed away, she got pregnant again the next year. This baby went full term and her beautiful girl was born a few days before Christmas and everything is going well for the baby.
    So see? It can happen. Hang in there and just remember that we are all here for you when you need a shoulder. We love you Zoot! 🙂

  16. I am jsut catching up on blog reading. I am so sorry to hear how hard the last 48 hours have been. Damn! I love MrZ’s post though. He is a keeper for sure. Lots of cyber love coming your way!

  17. Lurker here, but I just wanted to say I am so sorry for your loss and all the problems you are having. I am in the same boat you are and it scares the hell out of me and can just be so overwhelmingly depressing.

  18. Hang in there, honey. It will happen for you, I’m sure! Good people like you and MrZ and LilZ deserve a beautiful little life.

    Don’t lose hope, Zoot. Before you know it I’ll be offering doula services to your family too!

    Chin up, girl! *HUGS*

  19. Oh Zoot honey, I feel the same as you do. You look at your hubby and child and …… feel like hell for not doing something so ‘simple’ as getting pregnant, or getting that way and staying that way.

    You hang in there babycakes. Love ya.

    And Mr. Zoot is a truly darling man for that post above, too!

  20. Susan B. – Parker, CO – Owner / Photographer at Susan B. Photography I specialize in High School Senior and Family Portraits. I’m located in Parker and serve the Denver and Colorado Springs, CO areas. Mother 2 amazing children and married over 20+ years. I have a passion for Doritos and Coca-Cola. They are not paying me to write this... :(
    Susan says:

    Oh hun. I don’t know what to say. Please, please don’t give up. I’ve been there – it’s hard, but don’t give up. Hang in there sweetie.

  21. I’m sorry. I had a miscarriage a few months ago where the first beta was great and then second beta unchanged. My world stood still from that moment on. I understand about the inadequacy and guilt, I have recently written a post about that very subject. You are not alone.

    I’m sorry and sending prayers your way.

  22. It just doesn’t seem fair. You have every right to be angry, sad, depressed and frustrated. Two wonderful people who want a baby so badly should just be able to have one. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Now…go do something wonderful for yourself. Massage, margaritas, and lots of krispy kreme!

  23. Oh Zoot {{{hug}}} I am so sorry to hear about this 🙁 I know how you feel, have been there only once, It was tough. I still think about it and this was 5 years ago. Ya know what, it will happen when you least expect it (at that is the way it happened with me ) Hang in there and don’t give up! {{{hugs again girl}}}}

  24. I’m writing this with tears in my eyes – don’t be sad – you have a wonderful family and a happy life – it will all work out just exactly the way you wish – hang in there and know lots of people love you!

  25. I know you know this already, BUT..you have already given MrZ & LilZ what they want most of all: YOU! Hugs to you. Sending you lots of sticky baby dust!

  26. my heart goes out to ya babe…I’m sorry I’m late…life has been kicking my butt as of late…..but I’m sending you oodles and oodles of hugs anyway

  27. I’m so sorry. My best friend is going through the same thing. She is trying for the third time… Her doctor said after the third failed time they will finally run tests to see why it is happening. I can only hope for the two of you, you will have the chance being a mother (for you again). You are a wonderful mom to lil’Z and a baby would be lucky to be born into your family. MrZ seems awesome.

    As for anything else, I can only empathize. I haven’t tried to get pregnant, but we’re planning on obstacles as well because I’ve had cancer. With all the surgeries I’ve had, the doctor said the scar tissue may make it hard to carry a child. I know how much that saddened me. And it know where compares to what you have been through.

    Again, all my good thought to you and your family!!!

  28. I’m so sorry. This is heartbreaking for you, as it is for anyone who goes through this. I am hoping for the best. Take care of yourself.

  29. Life is completely unfair. If I had a baby, I’d totally give it to you!!

    If you can guess my name.

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