10am YESTERDAY: Call OB/GYN – tell them you’ve taken 7 positive pregnancy tests over the weekend. They tell you to come in for a beta. Be excited and glowing already, even though you’ve had 2 miscarriages in the past. One less than a year ago.
11am YESTERDAY: Get lost on the way to the doctor because you’re stupid. Get your blood taken. Get even more excited. Know will find out results of test tomorrow.
12noon YESTERDAY: Write down ranges of good Betas and good progesterone so you’ll know when they tell you what yours is. Good numbers do not guarantee a full term pregnancy – but its enough hope to post to your blog about it!
1pm YESTERDAY: Start chatting with everyone close to you about how excited you are to be pregnant. Cant wait to find out numbers so you can post to your blog.
5pm YESTERDAY: Get home after the slowest day in history. Cook dinner. Hang out with family. Adore your cute and excited husband who is already planning the birth of this baby.
11pm YESTERDAY: Have trouble falling asleep because you’re so nervous about the next day.
6:20am TODAY: Wake up late because you were up late worrying.
9am TODAY: Call OB office. They say nurse Jennifer will call back with results of tests.
9:10am TODAY: Tell a few more people about pregnancy because they are pregnant too! Yeah them!
9:11am TODAY: Start cramping. Start seeing dreams fade. AGAIN.
9: 30am TODAY: Start spotting. Cramping getting worse.
10am TODAY: Write an entry to pass time while waiting for nurse to call back. Sure she will tell me what I already know – that this pregnancy is doomed from the start.
10:25am TODAY: Hear from nurse. Beta is 22. VERY LOW and probably a sign of a miscarriage. But, just in case, I’m getting prescribed progesterone and another beta on Thursday. If my number has doubled? We have hope, but it probably wont.
I’m not doing well, but its more than the idea of losing another pregnancy. Its the idea that I am having the hardest time giving the loves of my life (my husband and my son) what that want more than anything (a baby and a sibling). I feel inadequate and guilty. They both deserve what they want. And I cant seem to give it to them.
I almost closed the comments on this entry – not wanting anyone to feel guilty for not knowing what to say. But then I remembered why I wrote this entry. I love you ALL and you are ALL so dear to me. You are all my friends, and I need to hear anything and everything you have to say.
MrZoot is still hopeful. I am not. I hope no matter HOW many miscarriages or failed cycles I have – he never loses that undying hope he has. Because I lost it awhile back and I need his to keep me going.