My Reproductive Nightmare

Just Waiting

Do you know WHY I started blogging? (that’s a rhetorical question, by the way, no need to respond.) I always wanted to, I had been reading online journals and blogs for years. But it took stumbling upon Amalah’s blog, for me to finally get off my ass and start my own.

After I opened my Typepad account, I thought, “What in the hell should I write about?” Then, it came to me: I’d use my blog as a way to document my pregnancy! I’d get to start a blog, while having a way to bitch about exhaustion and rage with excitement over crib bedding. It’s the geeky way to keep a pregnancy journal!

Unfortunately – due to a prior miscarriage way back with the ex-hubby, I was a little gun shy and did not want to just start blabbing about my pregnancy during the first trimester. I kept saying “After 13 weeks – THEN I’ll tell my blog I’m pregnant”. No one was even reading my blog at that time, but I felt it was jinxing my pregnancy to talk about it too early, I felt it would be bad luck.

So, I wrote about nothing for the first 6 weeks or so. Just random bullshit. I didn’t even keep most of those entries when I transferred to this domain, they were so inane. Of course – as luck (MY luck) would have it – At 11 weeks, I miscarried again.

On February 7th, I had my D&C and I was left with this stupid blog that showed ZERO signs of my pregnancy, and therefore ZERO ways I could talk about my loss. I just continued talking about stupid stuff, my life, my family, whatever was NON-pregnancy related. It became very therapeutic and terribly addictive. I started really enjoying sharing my life with the cyber world, and I really enjoyed knowing there would be a documentation of my insanity for my family to read.

But, here were are again. TTC (Trying To Conceive). And I wonder – what do I do when, and IF, I get pregnant? Do I talk about it here? So many of you, I consider friends. I want you all to know. But what if…?

Well – lets just say I wont really be “happy pregnant” until I can feel the baby move inside of me. It’s a side effect of pregnancy loss, not being able to be truly hopeful with a new pregnancy. A positive pregnancy test almost makes one feel somber.

But, do I announce it this time? Do I openly talk about a pregnancy I could, in fact, lose again? Can I continue with dog talk and MrZ conversations when all I was thinking about was my pregnancy, hopes and fears together? Could I really hide it from you guys?

Of course, isn’t that what this blog is for? Didn’t I start this blog as a way to chronicle my pregnancy in a geek-friendly way? Wasn’t I mad to realize there was NOTHING on my blog showing I had ever been pregnant last time? Almost like the pregnancy never happened? And didn’t that upset me? And aren’t you all my friends? And wouldn’t you WANT to know? And how many times can I start a sentence with the word “And”? So yeah – I think I’ll share should I be lucky enough to conceive.

There are blogs out there that I read every day. And have read every day since February. I found them all through Amalah. (Which is another reason I’m convinced Fate wanted me to meet her). These women have helped me in ways they’ll never know. So much so that I wish I had been open about my loss from the beginning, wishing I could use my blog as personal therapy.

So – here is where I’m at.
I want to get pregnant.
I want to have a baby.
I want to laugh through it all, and if someone in charge of the universe decides it’s still not time?
I want you to be able to look back and see how I felt BEFORE the light went out.
I want to have proof that a pregnancy existed.
And I want to be able to express my grief.

This is MY blog, after all. I don’t have to be goofy and insane ALL the time. Well – okay – I don’t have much choice in the “insane” department – that’s just who I am, but who says my life is always “goofy?” I mean, trying to conceive and pregnancy won’t be all I talk about – but I do think about it a lot – so it will pop up periodically.

All of that said? Here is the TTC progress, in case you are wondering.

We are waiting. We could be pregnant? But we might not be. I’m taking my vitamins while avoiding Margaritas and sushi. I’ve stopped smoking crack and prostituting (Kidding! Just making sure you’re still awake). I am groping my boobs every chance I get (now you’re awake!) to see if they are sore or sensitive (that was the first sign in ALL my pregnancies). If Aunt Perry and Uncle Ed (Get it? Perry/Ed? PerryEd? Period? hehe. Shut it – don’t tell me you don’t have a nickname for your menstrual cycle) aren’t here by Saturday 31st, we’ll test. I’ll keep you posted on my imaginary symptoms until then.

44 thoughts on “Just Waiting”

  1. Well Zoot, whatever you want to post or not post we’re right there for you. And you certainly don’t have to be zany all the time.

    Best of luck with everything.

  2. Zoot, I’m thrilled you’re going to share with us, especially as I didn’t/couldn’t have kids, I get to live vicariously thru you! Yup, I’m selfish 🙂

    hugs & good luck!

  3. My love and support for you has absolutely nothing to do w/ you being funny and zany all the time…that only helps me deal w/ my life a little better.

    ALWAYS here for you….for whatever it is you need me to be!

    All my love, thoughts, prayers, and best wishes are w/ you and MrZ!

  4. I think you should do whatever you feel is best, but I know when I had a miscarriage, I would liked to have had this online community at that time. We’re all here for you no matter what happens.

    However, when you become pregnant, I’ll be the loudest one celebrating! You may have to step back from your monitor.

  5. You know that recently I’ve been through some stuff that hasn’t been all sunshine and roses. But when I finally posted something? People just lept out of the online woodwork. They were supportive and genuinely concerned and it proved to me that these people I’ve never met are my friends. If you have something to say, we’re hear to listen. And? It helps people get to know another side of you that is serious and human! Combine that with your cute spunky side and you’re that much greater in my eyes!
    Many good vibes coming your way! Also, if you have a baby? I’ll totally throw you a shower in my new house!

  6. hey zoot, i’ll ask my mum to pray for you to have a baby. she has some direct line with the man upstairs, except when it comes to finding me a boy, he hasn’t answered her prayers yet.

  7. Wow, you even gave up your crack… IKNOW I shouldn’t have gone there, but couldn’t resist. Seriously, hoping hoping hoping that your Aunt Perry and Uncle Ed are on an extended vacation… God knows they visit me enough. Good thoughts heading your way..

  8. Baby, it was fate that brought us together. Just sucks that it seems to be the fate of the fertility challenged.

    I keep our struggles almost completely off my site. I mean, I’ve bitched here and there and I’ve made it clear we want to have a baby, but I don’t talk about the month-to-month battle of fertility pills and the soul-crushing arrival of my period over and over.

    I wish I could. Too many offline people read it though. I’m thinking of starting a more anonymous one, but seriously, who the fuck am I kidding?

    You’ve got a great network of readers who totally love you and will be there for you through good news and bad. Post whatever you want and we’ll respond accordingly.

  9. honey, we will so be here for you. And I know I feel privileged to be a part of your readers, your FANS, and we want to support and love you throughout the whole crazy journey! And just remember, I’m only 4 or 5 hours away, so watch OUT!!!! 😉

  10. You go, Zoot! Get on that there bed/shower/table/carhood and make those babies! Let’s hear it for getting knocked up!

  11. You go, girl!

    We support you. We’ll hold your hand through the whole process. Although I’d understand if you don’t want some of us holding your hand (ahem) during the actual ‘creation’ part. That gets a little awkward since I never know if you should comment on style or whatnot.

  12. Not only are you all kind? You are funny as hell!

    Deb? I know its hard to believe I gave up crack. hehe.

    Genuine? MrZ keeps wishing I would ovulate for, like months at a time.hehehe.

    Ben? Yeah – well pass on the hand holding DURING – thanks though!

    Mir? Glad to know I’m not the only boob-groper around.

    Love to you all! And here’s to makin’ babies!

  13. Babe, I’m soo in the same boat. I actually haven’t wrote about it in my blog because we aren’t even trying. I haven’t gone and gotten a test yet because I was just going to wait and see if Perry and Ed showed up. They are supposed to show up today or tomorrow. I’ve got the tenderness, but I have some cramping. Scary. I wish it was happening, but, I really don’t think it is. I’ll be so EXCITED if you are for real. I’ll buy you all kinds of cool baby crap, (when you say it is okay to of course) and spoil you rotten. And if you are imagining the symptoms like I’m sure I am, we can cry together and eat Phish Food icecream when Perry and Ed drop by for a visit. Please keep us posted. I loave you Zoot, keep your chin up!

  14. Okay, for the record y’all: if the self-groping thing borrows you, I offer more than just a hand-holding service…

    (my wife would SO kick my ass if she knew I were offering any kind of gropification on the internet)

  15. oh girl, there’s just no way the universe will let someone who is as good at being as parent as you are only get ONE! it’ll happen. and until it does, we are all more than here for you.

    my friend tulip tried and tried and tried with her husband and FINALLY delivered last night – after years of disappointments . . . it happened! i’m going to see her after work tonight for the first time and just get tears in my eyes at the thought! they went through such heart-breaking close calls! but she, like you, is a natural parent – meant to be 🙂

  16. Zoot, you do whatever makes you feel comfortable. Tell us, don’t tell us. It’s your space, and your story. I for one am honored to be privy to it.

  17. Good luck! I really hope thing will work out this time. And by all means, use this space as a therapeutic way to rant.

  18. if it was me, i would talk about it. all about it… every last thing. i’d like to be pregnant… no, i’d love to be pregnant. i want all those things you do.

    i’ll be thinking good thoughts for you. if you are, i want to hear all about it… if you aren’t, i still want to hear it. 🙂 big hug!

  19. Whatever you want to share, I’ll always be willing to read, and whatever words of encouragement I can offer (even as a “stranger on the internet”) are yours for the asking. And someday, when you’re taking the newest Zoot to TARcon, I want to see the pictures! 😉

  20. The blogs I love most are the ones that share the sadnesses and joys of their personal life, while still making me laugh (and cry). You just accomplished all three. See why I love you?

  21. I respect you so much for sharing this! I can’t imagine how difficult it is to go through a miscarriage. And to try again, must take so much strength and courage. Write what you feel comfortable with. I think anyone would understand a desire to share and a desire not to share. I often like to think I am in charge of the universe….so I will hope and pray you are able to get pregnant and hold your baby in 9 months. After all I have read about you, LilZoot, and MrZoot, I can’t imagine a luckier baby!

  22. Do whatever makes you the happiest. I enjoy your writing, so I’d stick around (and enjoy hearing about the pregnancy, etc) either way. *hugs*

  23. I will be crossing my fingers for you! My best friend had two miscarriages before she had her daughter. On the 3rd try, she decided not to tell anyone until she got past her 1st trimester. Sometimes I think that must have been a very lonely period for her, and I wish I’d been able to be there for her.

    So, write what you’re comfortable with, knowing you’ll have lots of support. I know that, once I started writing about my Crohn’s disease, the online support I got really helped me get through some rough patches.

  24. Then do it. There’s no cosmic thing that means that if you tell people about your pregnacy pre-13 weeks, you will miscarry. And isn’t that what this is all for? Express what you feel comfortable with, and don’t what you don’t. We’re here, either way.

  25. I agree with you, Zoot. Having the world know means that if — God forbid — something were to happen, you have a place to go to with your grief, as little or as much as you want to divulge.

    We’re all pulling for you and Mr. Zoot.

  26. I think it is difficult to post about everything in my life, especially when I know that certain people (family of my boss) read my site. I keep a site for my son (4 months old) so that anyone can read, my blogspot site is not linked anywhere on it, and I also have a work site that I only keep for myself. I think that this makes me a schizophrenic blogger.

  27. Zoot, you’re not alone – I am facing a similar conundrum. While I have yet to actually have a cycle since going off the Pill two freakin’ months ago, when it does come time to start “trying” I have no idea if I’m going to write about it during the first trimester or not. I do have some real life friends that read the journal and it’ll be hard to get the hubby to understand why he can’t tell friends and family when I’m putting it on the internet for people he doesn’t even know to read.

  28. Sorry Zoot, I didn’t know about your earlier miscarriages. You know what I think? You tell people if/when you want to tell people, without worrying about “what if.” Because if the worst happens, then you have a group of people upon whose collective shoulders you can cry a little bit.

  29. You know we want to hear about it ALL. Please use us as you see fit.

    Where you’re at can be a lonely place… but it doesn’t have to be.

    (And I totally groped myself, continually, with every cycle I was TTC. Heh.)

  30. The old cliche, everything happens for a reason, comes to mind.
    But you know what? With all of us knowing, hoping, praying and crossing our fingers for you, maybe we can help a little, if you believe in such things.
    And I agree, sharing happiness doubles the pleasure, while sharing sadness halves the burden.
    Luck!

  31. If you feel like you want to tell us something, I say go ahead and tell us. And if you feel like you aren’t comfortable yet, go ahead and wait. We’re all here to support you either way.

    I can’t say that I know what you’re going through, or how it feels, but I know you have a wonderful support system of family and friends around you, and I know that helps.

  32. I’m with Kerry, do whatever makes you comfortable, and to hell with what anyone says, or has superstitions about. I’m sending psychic waves of happiness and fertility towards you.:-)

  33. Sweety after 6 miscarriages (the last one in December 2003) I totally understand how you feel.
    I will keep crossing my fingers and praying for the best.
    I just hope you don’t do what I did which is just not talk about it at all and then when someone mentions they are pregnant and I really want to be happy for them but all I can say is, “I should have known that if I miscarry that you would be pregnant…figures.” I kind of got numb and non responsive. I will just wish positive things and send extra positive vibes your direction

  34. I’m sorry about the miscarriages, Zoot, and I respect you for sharing this with all of us.

    I think if you keep groping your boobs every chance you get, then they will become sore and sensitive, but I hope everything works out for you!

    Have a nice day, Zoot.

  35. *fingers crossed* And blog it girl! Feel the love, when your up and down, cause we want to hear, know and care, regardless!

  36. I agree with the 39 people who commented before me. Write whatever you feel comfortable
    with–we’ll all be here to read and support and send good thoughts and hopes no matter what happens. I know I’m just happy to “know” you and hear whatever part of your story you’ll end up telling us. With your usual warmth and humor and all that good stuff that we all love about you.

  37. I’m sorry about the miscarriages, and I respect you for sharing this with us!

    Gropping your boobs will make them sore and sensitive, I think.

    I hope you have a nice day, Zoot, and I will try to come more often to your blog

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