Do you know WHY I started blogging? (that’s a rhetorical question, by the way, no need to respond.) I always wanted to, I had been reading online journals and blogs for years. But it took stumbling upon Amalah’s blog, for me to finally get off my ass and start my own.
After I opened my Typepad account, I thought, “What in the hell should I write about?” Then, it came to me: I’d use my blog as a way to document my pregnancy! I’d get to start a blog, while having a way to bitch about exhaustion and rage with excitement over crib bedding. It’s the geeky way to keep a pregnancy journal!
Unfortunately – due to a prior miscarriage way back with the ex-hubby, I was a little gun shy and did not want to just start blabbing about my pregnancy during the first trimester. I kept saying “After 13 weeks – THEN I’ll tell my blog I’m pregnant”. No one was even reading my blog at that time, but I felt it was jinxing my pregnancy to talk about it too early, I felt it would be bad luck.
So, I wrote about nothing for the first 6 weeks or so. Just random bullshit. I didn’t even keep most of those entries when I transferred to this domain, they were so inane. Of course – as luck (MY luck) would have it – At 11 weeks, I miscarried again.
On February 7th, I had my D&C and I was left with this stupid blog that showed ZERO signs of my pregnancy, and therefore ZERO ways I could talk about my loss. I just continued talking about stupid stuff, my life, my family, whatever was NON-pregnancy related. It became very therapeutic and terribly addictive. I started really enjoying sharing my life with the cyber world, and I really enjoyed knowing there would be a documentation of my insanity for my family to read.
But, here were are again. TTC (Trying To Conceive). And I wonder – what do I do when, and IF, I get pregnant? Do I talk about it here? So many of you, I consider friends. I want you all to know. But what if…?
Well – lets just say I wont really be “happy pregnant” until I can feel the baby move inside of me. It’s a side effect of pregnancy loss, not being able to be truly hopeful with a new pregnancy. A positive pregnancy test almost makes one feel somber.
But, do I announce it this time? Do I openly talk about a pregnancy I could, in fact, lose again? Can I continue with dog talk and MrZ conversations when all I was thinking about was my pregnancy, hopes and fears together? Could I really hide it from you guys?
Of course, isn’t that what this blog is for? Didn’t I start this blog as a way to chronicle my pregnancy in a geek-friendly way? Wasn’t I mad to realize there was NOTHING on my blog showing I had ever been pregnant last time? Almost like the pregnancy never happened? And didn’t that upset me? And aren’t you all my friends? And wouldn’t you WANT to know? And how many times can I start a sentence with the word “And”? So yeah – I think I’ll share should I be lucky enough to conceive.
There are blogs out there that I read every day. And have read every day since February. I found them all through Amalah. (Which is another reason I’m convinced Fate wanted me to meet her). These women have helped me in ways they’ll never know. So much so that I wish I had been open about my loss from the beginning, wishing I could use my blog as personal therapy.
So – here is where I’m at.
I want to get pregnant.
I want to have a baby.
I want to laugh through it all, and if someone in charge of the universe decides it’s still not time?
I want you to be able to look back and see how I felt BEFORE the light went out.
I want to have proof that a pregnancy existed.
And I want to be able to express my grief.
This is MY blog, after all. I don’t have to be goofy and insane ALL the time. Well – okay – I don’t have much choice in the “insane” department – that’s just who I am, but who says my life is always “goofy?” I mean, trying to conceive and pregnancy won’t be all I talk about – but I do think about it a lot – so it will pop up periodically.
All of that said? Here is the TTC progress, in case you are wondering.
We are waiting. We could be pregnant? But we might not be. I’m taking my vitamins while avoiding Margaritas and sushi. I’ve stopped smoking crack and prostituting (Kidding! Just making sure you’re still awake). I am groping my boobs every chance I get (now you’re awake!) to see if they are sore or sensitive (that was the first sign in ALL my pregnancies). If Aunt Perry and Uncle Ed (Get it? Perry/Ed? PerryEd? Period? hehe. Shut it – don’t tell me you don’t have a nickname for your menstrual cycle) aren’t here by Saturday 31st, we’ll test. I’ll keep you posted on my imaginary symptoms until then.