(NOTE: Sorry if you’ve heard this first story before, but it’s relevant to this blog entry.)
I used to LOVE singing at church. I would sing LOUD and PROUD and would even sing my favorite hymns in the shower or just passing time. I thought I was a GREAT singer. I sounded GREAT in my head. Then, one day a girl named Michelle whispered to me during school mass, “Um…you know you don’t sing well right? And you’re really loud.” I didn’t believe her at first, but then I recorded myself and played it back and was like, OH MY GOD. SHE IS RIGHT. I AM TERRIBLE.
IT DEVASTATED ME.
BUT! I’ve been VERY grateful for that truth talk ever since. First off, I still kept singing, just not as loud when there were/are other people around and even to this day (hence the note) I tell people who might hear me singing, “I know I’m a terrible singer, but I like singing so I do it anyway.”
But if she hadn’t told me I might have ended up as one of those clueless singers on American Idol that everyone makes fun of. So, while it hurt me, I’m still grateful so I could have prevented a lifetime of further embarrassment.
All of that brings me to a realization I had in my groggy day yesterday. A terrible self-realization that makes me wonder why anyone has bothered to hang out with me.
I complain a lot online. A LOT. Now, I always do it in some sort of funny/snarky tweet or facebook post or instagram caption, but deep down it is still ZOOT COMPLAINING AGAIN. I think I never noticed because I always try to be funny about it but still, it’s always me being “funny” about being sick, or getting no sleep, or having to clean the house, etc. It’s never me being “funny” about positive things in my life. It occurred to me that people who only know me from those quick blurbs (and even real world people I don’t see often so they only keep up with me from those blurbs) that’s all they ever see. OH LOOK, Zoot is trying to be clever but STILL COMPLAINING AGAIN. If you scroll back through my past few weeks of Facebook statuses or Tweets or Instagram posts it’s all…Sick Kid, Sick Spouse, Poison Ivy, Other Sick Kid, Damn Cleaning House, Sick Spouse, Sick Kid, Bruised Legs From A Fall…
JEEZUS, ZOOT. Is there anything good going on in your life?
Like I said, it’s all hidden in what I obviously consider to be cute/lighthearted posts…but still…COMPLAINING. I thought about it all day and just replayed all of the statuses recently that were just complaints hidden behind cute verbage or snarky stories. I tried to be funny, but still, ALWAYS WITH THE COMPLAINING.
I have become the person I hate.
I thought about it a lot and I think the cause is twofold.
1) I just like to be active on social media and those are totally easy schticks to fall back on. Oh! Sick kid! Let’s joke about that. Easy material.
2) I feel like I’m dropping a lot of balls lately – or at least late throwing them in the air – so I want to make sure everyone knows why. I just want it to be out there: ZOOT’S WHOLE FAMILY IS SICK AGAIN so that if someone is wondering why I haven’t answered their email, they’ll see that and know why.
But still…that doesn’t change that when that’s ALL I do, I become that person we all secretly hate on the internet. Zoot’s got a problem in her life again. Woe is her. Big surprise.
And I do NOT want to be that girl. SO! I’m going to challenge myself to see how long I can go without posting a status/tweet/instagram that hides some sort of complaint I’m having. If someone needs to know why I haven’t answered their emails? They can ask. But maybe I can just try to – I don’t know – CATCH UP ON STUFF. Which maybe I can do now that I can breathe again.
(I’m obviously not going to stop hiding my complaints on the blog. That would be crazy.)
I’m going to TRY to limit it in my real life too, because the realization of seeing how much I do it online triggered the realization of how much I do it in my family life and like I said…I always try to be cute/laid back about it so I’m not a Debbie Downer…BUT STILL. ALWAYS WITH THE COMPLAINING. But real life is going to be harder so I’m going to start with my online life. THINK BEFORE YOU SEND/PUBLISH, ZOOT.
I guess I just wish Michelle were still in my life so she could notice the bad traits I have and point them out. I’m hoping people who like me don’t notice, or just let it slide, but since she and I were never close she did not have that obligation. She was just brutally honest and protected me from a lifetime of embarrassment.
Thank you, Michelle…wherever you are.
Here’s to not finding cute ways to hiding complaints in all of my social media. Instead, I’m going to go back to talking too much about Hamilton.