Today is when.
So, if you go to a consult with a surgeon about a breast reduction (I AM NOT GETTING A BREAST REDUCTION) they encourage you to try losing weight first as surgery may not be necessary. If you go to a consult to have a lap band procedure they make sure you’ve at least tried changing your diet first. In general – the rule of thumb is always try the lifestyle changes before the medical solutions because medical solutions are not always a good answer and have risk of other problems.
I tell you all of this because today I’m going to try to find a therapist. But, because of my fear of prescription medications (another entry for another day) I want to go ahead and make sure I tackle some lifestyle changes so that if it comes to that, I can feel certain I’ve really tested out my running theory about my eating habits and my emotions. BAD FOOD MAKES ME FEEL BAD.
I know, it’s a crazy theory and probably won’t pan out.
But I’ve been feeling really bad lately. And I’ve been feeling really bad at some level for awhile now and I’m certain it runs much deeper than my diet but I’m just as certain my diet is not making it any better. Here’s a sidenote: The funny thing is about my emotional plummet is that I feel like I’ve been a much better Mom lately. Somehow as my sadness grows and taints my every thought, I’ve become more patient and understanding and involved with my kids. So, that’s interesting. Let’s hope as I work through these issue the good parenting sticks around as I’d hate for the kids to be all, “It’s weird. Mom is so much nicer when she’s randomly crying all the time.”
I know the extreme sadness relates to this month. March will always be “the month we watched Dad die” but it’s only March 10th and that means I have 3 more weeks and if my sadness has darkened my days this much already? The next 3 weeks are going to be terrible. SO. Today is when. Today is when I try to get a handle on my health again so I can tackle the sadness that has engulfed me. TODAY IS THE DAY I INGEST THIS VERY EXPENSIVE POWDER THAT LOOKS A LITTLE LIKE DEHYDRATED POOP.
I tried to do a sugar detox a few years ago and I didn’t even make it 24 hours before my anxiety and depression flared up so bad that I thought I was going to need to be sedated. It was BAD, y’all. I joke about it all the time, “Proof I’m addicted and probably should give up sugar…” but it was NO JOKE. I’m not trying a full detox (and I had plenty of fruit on that terrible day) because I need my coffee how I like it so I don’t lose my will to live (that’s not too much of an exaggeration) but I’m reducing the sweetener I use a bit and I’ll still use my energy powder mid-day because without my other stimuli I’ll need that (and it has some sweetener in it) but other than my sources of energy, I’m removing sugar from my diet. I’m removing beer except for one at Anaheim Chili when we eat there on Saturdays. I’m going to attempt clean eating as much as possible, but since I haven’t tried, I’m not sure what road blocks are out there. I want to show up at my first therapy appointment and be able to say, “I have not been eating crap for X days” so that they can rule out any chemical (food related) cause for my emotional instability.
And if that emotional instability wanes with the bad eating? Then my theory was right and hopefully I won’t need any prescription treatment for my current episodes of anxiety and depression. And if my theory was wrong and I still feel terrible, I can carefully walk into that arena (because of the aforementioned fears) knowing I did everything I could do first.
But I need you all to hold me accountable. If I don’t come back tomorrow with a follow-up outlining my progress in finding a therapist (it took more than a few days when I was looking for one for Wesley) and a report that I’m sticking to my “Eating for Happiness” nutrition plan, then I need you to call me out. I NEED A THERAPIST, Y’all. I don’t feel like outlining the exact reasons why, just please trust me. Kim’s brain in March is always a bad place to be but this March is a million times worse.
And the damn time changes this weekend which makes it all SO MUCH MORE TERRIBLE. I love the early sunrise, I hate our stupid daylight savings takes that one joy away from me.
So, here’s to braving the phone and calling to find a therapist. Here’s to Eating for Happiness. Here’s to trying to go for a run this morning (having some issues after running 40 miles on Saturday) (those “issues” are me not wanting to run) and hopefully succeeding. Here’s to finding joy and not losing the good parenting habits I’ve picked up while engulfed in my own sadness. Here’s to f*cking daylight savings. Here’s to surviving March.