The Post With The Most Bizarre Range Of Emotions – Even For This Blog.

Here’s a fun discussion I’m starting on all of my social media because I’m now curious where the world falls since my husband and I fell on totally opposite sides of this debate.

You have set aside a night to watch a movie. A free movie from something like Hulu or Netflix or Amazon Prime. You scroll through all of the lists and nothing jumps out at you as, Oh! I’ve been wanting to see that!

So, do you settle in with a movie you are kinda eh about? That might be good but also might be eh? It probably won’t be terrible, but you aren’t sure it’s going to be good.

OR!

Do you just watch a movie you’ve seen before and you KNOW YOU LOVE?

Donnie, Nikki and I had this situation this week and Nikki and I both wanted to just watch something we loved. (White House Down) but Donnie thought that spending two hours of your life watching a movie you’ve already seen was SUCH A WASTE OF TIME. But we looked at it just the opposite – it was two hours GUARANTEED to bring us joy v/s two hours that might bore us or just be “eh.”

In the end, we watched a “new” movie but I didn’t love it so the next night? We watched White House Down WHICH I THOROUGHLY ENJOYED BECAUSE IT IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE MOVIES EVER.

What about you?

And now for the not so fun stuff…

I had a total existential crisis in the parking deck at Publix yesterday. Let me tell you how it transpired:

I was going to pull into the parking deck and realized too late that traffic wasn’t moving…we were all stopped and blocking traffic outside the parking deck as someone waited for a close spot. The person was loading up groceries, they weren’t even IN THEIR CAR YET, and we were all dangerously waiting in the road so this person in the white minivan could get that “prime” place.

Now: REMEMBER – it’s a Parking Deck. It’s sheltered from the rain other than the small chunk that crosses the road between the parking deck and the store entrance. So, you can’t even use the bad weather as an “excuse” to hold up traffic for a dangerous amount of time for a “prime” parking spot.

As traffic backed up behind us all (this is downtown Huntsville at the end of the work day at Christmas, this is no joke) and I was trapped in the middle of it, I was getting more and more anxious. So, I took the opportunity to cut around and through some empty parking spaces and parked where I always do: IN THE BACK. That front entrance gets a little crowded so I park near the back so I can leave view the back way out of the parking deck. I parked my car and as I was walking to the storefront I thought I’d check out the person in the white minivan who had held up traffic for so long. It was a young (20s) very attractive women with two children who were old enough to get themselves out of the car. No physically disabled people, no babies, nothing. Just a capable woman and two capable children and y’all? Something about this made me RAGE.

I tried to shake off the anger as I picked up the few groceries I needed but I could NOT. So I sat in my car to look at Twitter a bit after I set out on the short drive home, to try to distract me from the inexplicable rage I was feeling. And then I just started spiraling. I read a tweet from one of my favorite author’s – Roxane Gay – that said, “Today I was told “you excel at everything but taking care of yourself” so now I am mad about being seen.” and I started crying a little because, yep. That’s me. I mean, I don’t excel at everything else…but compared to how I take care of myself I do. I give everything else positive thoughts and love and support and I shoot myself over and over again with criticism and hatred.

BUT THEN! Then I read a response that said this: “This is among the many reasons I strongly object to the self-care imperative. It is another thing for women “to do.” Another thing we are supposed to be good at. Another class in which to earn an A.” AND OH MY GOD. I had never thought of it that way. Yet here I was, beating myself up over not taking care of myself.

And then I just spiraled into this bizarred existential crisis peppered with some good old-fashioned parking deck-induced rage and I just started SOBBING IN MY CAR. I mean…SOBBING. I was spiraling with thoughts of hating my body and myself and that damn woman in the minivan and society for making me feel like there was something wrong with me and my body again and then I was mad at myself for not being able to get my shit together when I live this perfect life of perfection and then it all culminated in my just wailing out loud (THANK YOU GOD I WAS IN THE BACK OF THE PARKING DECK), “I MISS YOU SO MUCH, DADDY.”

It was pretty.

I have another follow-up today at my doctor with my cough and with my mental health. I’m not sure I’ll make it without sobbing. The holidays are hard because I put so much pressure on myself to make everything perfect and I’m tired all the time because I’m not sleeping well and I can’t stop gaining weight and I hate the direction our country is heading and I hate that there are people who love the direction that our country is heading and I’m overwhelmed by pain and I’m embarrassed about all of it.

I just want to curl up and watch more of my favorite movies (Next up: OLYMPUS HAS FALLEN. I love a good White-House based action movie.) and read more good books (I’ve been on SUCH A GOOD KICK lately – currently reading The First Rule of Punk) and not move off of the couch until…I don’t even know. Ever?

19 thoughts on “The Post With The Most Bizarre Range Of Emotions – Even For This Blog.

  1. Liz says:

    I’m glad you felt the rage. It can be scary, but it is a valid feeling to have at that point. I get very rageful when people try to kill me with their cars.
    This woman put you in a dangerous place for her own reasons.
    Now to a related topic: Society controls women in a large range of ways. I started to realize this in college. I was snipping my plastic soda holders, because seals strangle themselves on them. I was at a school in the Midwest. Seals weren’t within 1000 miles of my garbage. We are conditioned to follow rules and to feel bad when we don’t. I wish you well and good luck today.

      • Liz says:

        You have my e-mail address. Feel free to reach out if you want to do a deeper discussion. No pressure and this is a busy time for everyone. I think the South especially tries to force people into roles and rules.

  2. Shawna Ready says:

    I almost always choose something I’ve seen before and know that I like. I find rewatching (and especially rereading) my favorites to be comforting.

    • zoot says:

      Weirdly – I don’t re-read books often. I keep them JUST IN CASE if they’re my faves because I feel like I might – but I rarely do.

  3. Beth says:

    Part 1: I don’t think it’s ever a waste of time to watch (or re-read) something you love! Part 2: And after your existential crisis in the car, what did you do? I’m assuming you went home and took care of things that needed taking care of, so right there–you won yesterday. You had your moment, you felt ALL OF THE THINGS, and you carried on. You got up this morning and shared your shit with us and you’re not giving up. That’s pretty awesome. Thank you, Kim.

    • zoot says:

      Thank you. You’re going to love an idea someone sent me that I’m doing today: She told me to get a post-it note cube and every day write something on the “next” page that is good about myself. I have to flip through all of the previous days so I see all of the other things first. Isn’t that GENIUS?

  4. MommyAttorney says:

    Said extremely gently, and can totally be ignored. Sometimes, stepping away entirely from social media (I don’t mean your blog, but I do mean Twitter & FB) can be really good for your mental health. I have really resisted such suggestions when made to me, because it is my main way of connecting with people who matter to me a lot. But I realized that the bad was outweighing the good, and I did step away. Also from news. And it did help. When I needed to connect with people, I did so via messenger and FB groups and texting.

    • zoot says:

      Uggg. I’ve been thinking SO MUCH about this. Twitter is fine with me b/c I’ve really created a lovely curated news feed and I even mute people who I don’t like (like Ann Coulter) so even if someone I follow replies to them I dont’ see their angering tweet.

      BUT FB. I just don’t know. There are so many pros. I just dont know if I could let go of those. But I’ve been seriously considering it. Because there I see the things people I know say/think and it makes me CRAZY. But it’s also how I keep up with my friends so I’m so torn. I love knowing what everyone is up to, but also…UGGGGGGG.

      Someone suggested making a “list” with only my friends on it and view that once a day to see what everyone is doing and THAT IS IT. I may try that…

  5. Elaine C. B. says:

    To answer the first question, our house is split on that issue the same way yours is. My spouse RARELY watches the same thing twice (he will watch Star Wars and Buddy the Elf repeatedly, but that’s all I can think of) whereas I will gravitate to the things I love over and over again. It’s kind of funny though, he is also a little bit hesitant to watch new things until a million other people have and the reviews are all out because he doesn’t want to waste time on something unknown either and risk it being bad. Also, good luck with the doctor. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other for now.

  6. Cheryl says:

    I have to echo Mommy Attorney. In November 2016 I stopped watching ALL news, websites, twitter, etc. for about a month. I even stopped listening to NPR because I just knew I needed a break after the LONG campaign and the election. I have since SELECTIVELY added back some news but it is severely curtailed from what it once was. I have noticed that my general anxiety level and RAGE has diminished greatly. Even people around me noticed.
    More importantly, I feel my mental health balance is much improved since I spend more time reading, painting, etc. I don’t know if I’d call it “self care” , I call it doing things I like and skipping things I don’t like. I can’t skip ALL the things I don’t like – I’m looking at you laundry – but I skip as many of them as I can, and I find it helps. YMMV, but I am a proponent of skipping things that annoy you. 🙂

    • zoot says:

      I wont’ repeat my reply to you that I replied to her but it’s definitely something I’m considering. There are a lot of “pros” I don’t want to lose but I’ve been taking ideas so I might have solutions to getting my “good” without exposing myself to the bad b/c I definitely can see it TEARS ME UP some days!

  7. Lucy McConville says:

    I CRIED IN MY CAR IN A PARKING LOT YESTERDAY TOO!!! haha…isn’t that interesting. I’m sure we are not the only ones. This is such a stressful time of year…so much to do, so many expectations of us and from us. Remembering the excitement and magic of this time of year as children, and how it rarely lives up to that as adults. It all feels like a let-down, and then we feel like we are letting everyone else down. Sigh. Add just regular life stress into that…KABLOOIE! Another week and that will be behind us for another year. WOOT!!

    Regarding what you read in that tweet about how self-care is yet one more thing women are supposed to accomplish and do well…WOW! That is for sure food for thought (if only I would only THINK about the food and stop eating so much of it….)

    I say re-watch a favorite movie only if it has been years since you’ve seen it. Otherwise, just pick one…and you just never know. I swear sometimes the Universe speaks to me through little-known movies that give me an epiphany. Or, watch a documentary instead. I’m currently bingeing “The West” on Netflix. It is 20 years old, but REALLY GOOD! Gives equal time to the history of westward expansion from all points of view (Whites, Native Americans, Spaniards, etc.) REALLY good.

    Hang in there! And, as always, thanks for sharing. You make us ALL feel we aren’t alone out here. It is a very valuable thing you do!

    • zoot says:

      I’m sorry you had a bad day too but can I just tell you that you sharing made ME feel better? Is that selfish? 🙂

  8. Julie says:

    How old are you? I can’t remember.
    I am going to chalk all my crying and rage up to peri-menopause which I feel like start at about 45 and I will be 48 on Friday. It’s what brought my wife to anti-depressants and anxiety medication. I have been able to help with diet and supplements but I too experience rage, anxiety, depression and all the other terrible emotions I see you going through. Some days I feel like the cells in my body are ripping apart from one other and I feel so, so untethered by life.
    I am not a big social media person but I do also believe that disconnecting can be helpful. I actually think screen time (and looking forward to it or missing it) makes my daughter’s anxiety worse. I wonder how it would feel to just do it for a day? and see how you feel the next morning? and maybe not watch that day either? I used to be a big goal person and realized I was just shooting myself in the foot with too big of expectations. One day at a time.
    Makes me think about another source of help for me—Emotions Anonymous–is there a group near you? you might like it. It is my saving grace. If nothing else looking up their Slogans for the day and use them.
    Oh and a little book I love too:
    https://www.amazon.com/Its-Easier-Than-You-Think/dp/0062512943
    Hang in there sister! the world needs you.
    And this too shall pass…..

    • zoot says:

      I’m 42 and a friend mentioned the peri-menopause idea when I mentioned my rage recently. Rage is not normally an emotion I deal with so I’m wondering if that’s a huge factor!

      I’ll look into the other things as well, thank you.

  9. Kelli Oliver George says:

    I would have been shaking with fury, too. I have been hit three times, THREE TIMES, when I was merely waiting and minding my own business at a complete stand-still, waiting for traffic to do their thing.

    You do YOU, Kim. I hope you and your family have a GREAT Christmas in your new home that you waited so long for.

  10. I have seen what happened in the parking deck happen at the medical parking garage many times. I have been left hanging out in the traffic before and its scary. I once waited for at least 5 minutes at the north hall VBC parking lot while someone argued about the $10 fee. So OK dude- pay the $$, then call the VBC tomorrow, but let us get out of the street. The one thing that I will say about the woman in the van. Although all looked able bodied, it is possible that one of them could have been ADHD or autistic, and the chance of the child running away or pitching a fit on the way into the store is lessened with the distance between the car and the door of the store

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