The Post With The Most Bizarre Range Of Emotions – Even For This Blog.
Here’s a fun discussion I’m starting on all of my social media because I’m now curious where the world falls since my husband and I fell on totally opposite sides of this debate.
You have set aside a night to watch a movie. A free movie from something like Hulu or Netflix or Amazon Prime. You scroll through all of the lists and nothing jumps out at you as, Oh! I’ve been wanting to see that!
So, do you settle in with a movie you are kinda eh about? That might be good but also might be eh? It probably won’t be terrible, but you aren’t sure it’s going to be good.
Do you just watch a movie you’ve seen before and you KNOW YOU LOVE?
Donnie, Nikki and I had this situation this week and Nikki and I both wanted to just watch something we loved. (White House Down) but Donnie thought that spending two hours of your life watching a movie you’ve already seen was SUCH A WASTE OF TIME. But we looked at it just the opposite – it was two hours GUARANTEED to bring us joy v/s two hours that might bore us or just be “eh.”
In the end, we watched a “new” movie but I didn’t love it so the next night? We watched White House Down WHICH I THOROUGHLY ENJOYED BECAUSE IT IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE MOVIES EVER.
What about you?
And now for the not so fun stuff…
I had a total existential crisis in the parking deck at Publix yesterday. Let me tell you how it transpired:
I was going to pull into the parking deck and realized too late that traffic wasn’t moving…we were all stopped and blocking traffic outside the parking deck as someone waited for a close spot. The person was loading up groceries, they weren’t even IN THEIR CAR YET, and we were all dangerously waiting in the road so this person in the white minivan could get that “prime” place.
Now: REMEMBER – it’s a Parking Deck. It’s sheltered from the rain other than the small chunk that crosses the road between the parking deck and the store entrance. So, you can’t even use the bad weather as an “excuse” to hold up traffic for a dangerous amount of time for a “prime” parking spot.
As traffic backed up behind us all (this is downtown Huntsville at the end of the work day at Christmas, this is no joke) and I was trapped in the middle of it, I was getting more and more anxious. So, I took the opportunity to cut around and through some empty parking spaces and parked where I always do: IN THE BACK. That front entrance gets a little crowded so I park near the back so I can leave view the back way out of the parking deck. I parked my car and as I was walking to the storefront I thought I’d check out the person in the white minivan who had held up traffic for so long. It was a young (20s) very attractive women with two children who were old enough to get themselves out of the car. No physically disabled people, no babies, nothing. Just a capable woman and two capable children and y’all? Something about this made me RAGE.
I tried to shake off the anger as I picked up the few groceries I needed but I could NOT. So I sat in my car to look at Twitter a bit after I set out on the short drive home, to try to distract me from the inexplicable rage I was feeling. And then I just started spiraling. I read a tweet from one of my favorite author’s – Roxane Gay – that said, “Today I was told “you excel at everything but taking care of yourself” so now I am mad about being seen.” and I started crying a little because, yep. That’s me. I mean, I don’t excel at everything else…but compared to how I take care of myself I do. I give everything else positive thoughts and love and support and I shoot myself over and over again with criticism and hatred.
BUT THEN! Then I read a response that said this: “This is among the many reasons I strongly object to the self-care imperative. It is another thing for women “to do.” Another thing we are supposed to be good at. Another class in which to earn an A.” AND OH MY GOD. I had never thought of it that way. Yet here I was, beating myself up over not taking care of myself.
And then I just spiraled into this bizarred existential crisis peppered with some good old-fashioned parking deck-induced rage and I just started SOBBING IN MY CAR. I mean…SOBBING. I was spiraling with thoughts of hating my body and myself and that damn woman in the minivan and society for making me feel like there was something wrong with me and my body again and then I was mad at myself for not being able to get my shit together when I live this perfect life of perfection and then it all culminated in my just wailing out loud (THANK YOU GOD I WAS IN THE BACK OF THE PARKING DECK), “I MISS YOU SO MUCH, DADDY.”
It was pretty.
I have another follow-up today at my doctor with my cough and with my mental health. I’m not sure I’ll make it without sobbing. The holidays are hard because I put so much pressure on myself to make everything perfect and I’m tired all the time because I’m not sleeping well and I can’t stop gaining weight and I hate the direction our country is heading and I hate that there are people who love the direction that our country is heading and I’m overwhelmed by pain and I’m embarrassed about all of it.
I just want to curl up and watch more of my favorite movies (Next up: OLYMPUS HAS FALLEN. I love a good White-House based action movie.) and read more good books (I’ve been on SUCH A GOOD KICK lately – currently reading The First Rule of Punk) and not move off of the couch until…I don’t even know. Ever?