I’ve discussed before that the last miscarriage I had was the last straw for me emotionally. The 10 weeks of anxiety followed by the eventual loss nearly broke my heart. Each miscarriage seemed to be harder for me to “get over” but that last one was the closest I’d ever come to feeling like I needed professional help. That, combined with my constant state of reproductive hell due to endometriosis, fibroids, and cysts – and I settled in to really wanting to give up on any more kids and to have an ablation. Unfortunately, Donnie wasn’t on the same page yet.
Well, a few weeks ago Donnie wrote out his Five Year Plan to map out his Ironman goals and his Master’s Degree goals. No where on the plan did it allow for more kids. When I pointed this out he admitted that he’s kinda settled into the same view I had. That if we could just be given a kid sans anxieties or miscarriages, we’d take one in a heartbeat. But he didn’t want to see me go through another eventual loss. He also has noticed that my “good days” every month are getting fewer and fewer. And my “bad days” are getting worse and worse. The pain and the hemorrhaging some days make it so I can’t be away from my home for more than an hour at a time, and seeing your wife cry from the kind of pain she could have surgically remedied? Starts to make you shift your perspective.
But mostly? He’s enjoying our life sans young children. He likes being able to think into the future and make plans without having to consider the delay another baby would add.
So, it’s time. I really feel like he’s at peace with it, which means I don’t have to fear it hanging over our marriage for the rest of our lives. I’ll go for my checkup/consult and we’ll make the plan. I’d like to have the ablation done before the summer is over so it won’t interfere with my fall/winter training. Then we keep track of things and see if that gives us a substantial improvement. If it does? That will hold me over for years. If it doesn’t? We’ll talk about removing pieces of the reproductive system that has made my life all sorts of hell outside of the three healthy children I brought me.
I am – honestly – equally relieved and sad about this. I’m relieved – and almost happy – to finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. This week has been a bad one especially. I was in tears last night I was in so much pain and let’s not talk about the concern I had about needing a transfusion at the substantial blood loss. Yesterday was REALLY bad, but this whole last 10 days has been pretty shitty. So, yeah, thrilled to maybe start a normal life with normal amounts of pain and discomfort. But – oh my god – I’m also so very sad. We bought this huge house so we could grow into it. I bought an 8-person dining room table. We have a minivan. We made all of these SPACIOUS decisions allowing for another child or two and now? We’re done. Officially.
We still have always considered fostering children. My parents were foster parents before I cam around and I would love to carry that on someday. So none of that space will be wasted, but the intention is dead. And if I said that didn’t break my heart, I’d be a big fat liar. Because it does. But this whole journey has had it’s share of heartbreak. Each miscarriage took a bit of my heart with it, and that heartbreak doesn’t go away. The sadness over the loss of any future children…that will heal. That’s what I keep telling myself. We can officially move on to the next phase of our lives. The, “We don’t have to add a ‘What if’ to all of our plans…” phase. We don’t have to feel bitter at other people’s pregnancies. We don’t have to save baby clothes and toys. We don’t have to figure out where a new kid will sleep.
But most importantly? I don’t have to live through another miscarriage. A that’s the key. I don’t want to get into the dark place I went to after my last loss, and I don’t want to see how much darker it gets down there.