Right now, my heart contains the tension of 1000 armies during 1000 wars over 1000 years. I did not sleep hardly at all last night, I can’t stay focused on anything, and the tears have been flowing non-stop. All of this is because my deeply hard-wired and genetically programmed conflict-avoiding tendencies are waging a war against the woman sick of rape culture and misogyny who just wants to BURN IT ALL TO THE GROUND.
I avoid face-to-face conflict. I hate being in the presence of arguing. I don’t like reality TV because they make ad revenue off people yelling at each other. I will turn off NPR in the mornings if the person being interviewed gets tense because a reporter pushes back. Even if I 100% agree with one side and 100% disagree with another side, I will leave the room if people start any level of disagreement because I can’t handle being around it. EVEN THOUGH I HAVE STRONG OPINIONS, I still leave. I just don’t like it. I’ll leave a podcast never finished if there’s any awkward tension between a host and a guest. I don’t like being cursed and and I don’t like cursing.
AND YET. Right now I want nothing more than to drive down the road honking my horn flipping the world off while screaming, “I HATE ALL OF YOU MOTHER FUCKERS!!!!!!!!”
I want to jump onto Facebook and visit the pages of all of the Trump supporters I’ve unfollowed over the last two years (due to the previously mentioned compulsion to avoid conflict) and type: YOUR PUSSY-GRABBING PRESIDENT CAN EAT MY TITS! I HATE HIM AND YOU AND EVERYONE WHO STILL SUPPORTS HIM!
I want to scream at my well-meaning, “Not all men…” husband for JUST NOT GETTING IT. I want to kick doors down and storm offices of men whose behavior I just ignored or rolled my eyes at instead of calling it out for what it was. I want to find every man who ever grabbed by ass at a bar or at a concert and punch him in the face. I want to flip off every car that cat-called me when I was running and kick in the nuts ever guy who ever told me to, “Smile, beautiful.” I want to find every Alabamian who voted for Roy Moore and scream FUCK YOU! in their front yards.
I want to burn bridges and destroy relationships. I want to isolate myself in a safety bubble of men and women who feel the same rage I feel so that I can just wash my pain in mutual anger. Because we are about to have TWO SCOTUS JUDGES CREDIBLY ACCUSED OF SEXUAL MISCONDUCT WHO WILL BE DECIDING THE FATE OF THE CONTROL I HAVE OVER MY BODY AND THE CONTROL MY DAUGHTER HAS OVER HER BODY.
Even after millions of women screamed during marches and rallied and called senators and congressmen and screamed at the top of our lungs: ME TOO! Half of our country still thinks it’s fitting to stand by a man who has been credibly accused of attempted rape and put him in a position of power that only 8 other people in this country hold. AND ONE OF THOSE OTHER 8 WAS ALSO CREDIBLY ACCUSED OF SEXUAL MISCONDUCT.
And all of those instincts to burn it all down and pepper the world with f-bombs and middle fingers, are fighting against the long-held, genetically-preprogrammed (and nurtured by our culture of misogyny) desire to PLAY NICE and AVOID CONFLICT and so I’m a ball of frustrated tension that can’t focus an anything other than these warring parts of my soul.
And how are you?