Tears of Rage And A World On Fire.

Right now, my heart contains the tension of 1000 armies during 1000 wars over 1000 years.  I did not sleep hardly at all last night, I can’t stay focused on anything, and the tears have been flowing non-stop. All of this is because my deeply hard-wired and genetically programmed conflict-avoiding tendencies are waging a war against the woman sick of rape culture and misogyny who just wants to BURN IT ALL TO THE GROUND.

I avoid face-to-face conflict. I hate being in the presence of arguing.  I don’t like reality TV because they make ad revenue off people yelling at each other.  I will turn off NPR in the mornings if the person being interviewed gets tense because a reporter pushes back. Even if I 100% agree with one side and 100% disagree with another side, I will leave the room if people start any level of disagreement because I can’t handle being around it. EVEN THOUGH I HAVE STRONG OPINIONS, I still leave. I just don’t like it. I’ll leave a podcast never finished if there’s any awkward tension between a host and a guest. I don’t like being cursed and and I don’t like cursing. 

AND YET. Right now I want nothing more than to drive down the road honking my horn flipping the world off while screaming, “I HATE ALL OF YOU MOTHER FUCKERS!!!!!!!!”

I want to jump onto Facebook and visit the pages of all of the Trump supporters I’ve unfollowed over the last two years (due to the previously mentioned compulsion to avoid conflict) and type: YOUR PUSSY-GRABBING PRESIDENT CAN EAT MY TITS! I HATE HIM AND YOU AND EVERYONE WHO STILL SUPPORTS HIM!

I want to scream at my well-meaning, “Not all men…” husband for JUST NOT GETTING IT. I want to kick doors down and storm offices of men whose behavior I just ignored or rolled my eyes at instead of calling it out for what it was. I want to find every man who ever grabbed by ass at a bar or at a concert and punch him in the face. I want to flip off every car that cat-called me when I was running and kick in the nuts ever guy who ever told me to, “Smile, beautiful.” I want to find every Alabamian who voted for Roy Moore and scream FUCK YOU! in their front yards. 

I want to burn bridges and destroy relationships. I want to isolate myself in a safety bubble of men and women who feel the same rage I feel so that I can just wash my pain in mutual anger. Because we are about to have TWO SCOTUS JUDGES CREDIBLY ACCUSED OF SEXUAL MISCONDUCT WHO WILL BE DECIDING THE FATE OF THE CONTROL I HAVE OVER MY BODY AND THE CONTROL MY DAUGHTER HAS OVER HER BODY.

Even after millions of women screamed during marches and rallied and called senators and congressmen and screamed at the top of our lungs: ME TOO! Half of our country still thinks it’s fitting to stand by a man who has been credibly accused of attempted rape and put him in a position of power that only 8 other people in this country hold. AND ONE OF THOSE OTHER 8 WAS ALSO CREDIBLY ACCUSED OF SEXUAL MISCONDUCT.

And all of those instincts to burn it all down and pepper the world with f-bombs and middle fingers, are fighting against the long-held, genetically-preprogrammed (and nurtured by our culture of misogyny) desire to PLAY NICE and AVOID CONFLICT and so I’m a ball of frustrated tension that can’t focus an anything other than these warring parts of my soul. 

And how are you?

18 Comments

  • Carrie

    This. All of this. Your feelings are 100% valid. I feel exactly the same way. I’m thinking it’s time that we DO start acting like the ways you described. Nothing else is working. It’s time to get angry in people’s faces.

  • Michele Maxson

    This was written better than I could have written my feelings. Because my feelings are just a bunch of punches, f-bombs, and kicks to the groin.

  • ccr in MA

    Yes! For the last few years it keeps getting worse, and I keep waiting for the tide to turn, for the people in power to come to their senses, and I just can’t believe it hasn’t happened yet.

  • Marty

    Thank you. I’m sitting here crying my eyes out because ALL OF THIS.

    After ten years of reading your words, I can still count on you to not only get it, but to articulate it just like I needed to hear it.

    Love you.

  • Cheryl

    Yes. This. And add the PTSD nightmares for several of my friends this week. And I shouldn’t have to explain to people that I’m sure “he’s a great guy now”. I’ve never met him, it’s entirely possible that he’s a great guy now. But he hasn’t always been a great guy, and the asshole guy is buried in your good guy. If a teenage drug user of color has to live with the consequences of being labeled a felon his whole life – even though he’s a great guy now -, then this guy needs to live with his teenage self.

  • Lucy McConville

    It’s like you got in my head and wrote all my thoughts. I’m so sorry you are feeling so horrible. And I’m so sorry I am feeling so horrible. And I’m SO ANGRY. And I’m just so, so, SO sad for all of these steps BACKWARD! It is like the childhood game “Candyland” where you land on a certain square and have to go back to the beginning. I feel completely disregarded…as if my entire sex is disregarded…as if no one has my back. AS IF WE WOMEN JUST DON’T MATTER. And, honestly, I am SERIOUSLY considering getting in touch with all the men who treated me with no respect, sexually…you know, a grab here, and innuendo comment there…even though they are STILL LIFE LONG FRIENDS OF MINE…and giving them a GIANT piece of my mind even if it ruins friendships. All I can do is PRAY this turn of events gets enough people completely ENRAGED enough to turn the tide in a different direction. I watched a video today of a Buddhist teacher talking about how we need to not protect our children too much, because they need to learn strength to overcome adversity in this “Life Is Pain” world in which we live. His line, “We’re stronger than things are terrible,” really struck me. THAT is what I am going to try to carry with me today. And I am going to think of Neo (“The Matrix” reference) saying to Agent Smith, “My. Name. Is. NEO!” And I’m going to think of any other reference in my head that hints that maybe my goodness can overcome their evil. But first, I’m going to lie here in the fetal position for a day…

  • Amanda

    This was so cathartic to read. Thank you. My heart hurts so much. I, too, avoid conflict as much as possible, but I work mostly with men and there’s definitely a part of my brain DARING them to so much as whisper a single word in support of that trash because I might just GO OFF. So much rage and sadness.

    Love you. Love your blog. Love you and your blog.

  • Grace

    Same. Rage. Anger. Screaming. I have a wonderful husband, had a wonderful father, and have a great brother. The men in my life are good. AND I AM ANGRY AT ALL THE MALES OF OUR SPECIES. I can’t believe that self-satisfied prick is going to be on the Supreme court. And I have to think if he is the BEST Trump can do then what are the others like. That doesn’t matter because dickwad will be confirmed. I AM READY TO MOVE TO FREAKING RUSSIA. At least they don’t lie about treating their people well, or equally.