• I Hate The Replay Function In My Brain

    socialanxieties1

    It’s 3am.

    I woke up almost 2 hours ago fretting about a recent social encounter.

    This is something I’ve commiserated over with many of my introverted or socially anxious peers. How, after some social situations, you have to replay them over and over again – to make sure you really discover and rehash all of the awkward moments you wish you had done differently.

    It’s the most tell-tale sign of someone with social anxieties. The compulsive replay followed by detailed analysis and self-hatred.

    Imagine we’re football coaches and we lost a big game. We get the tapes of that game and we go over them in detail, play by play. If we notice something wonky playing it at real-time speed, we rewind and play it over in slow motion. We focus on that one play over and over until we kind find that ONE MOMENT that caused it all to go downhill.

    That’s my brain any time I hang out with more than 1 or 2 people I don’t know very well.

    Last night I woke up fretting about one specific person with which I had very minor interaction. But still! I fretted! I think I was rude! Or at best I was apathetic! But I didn’t want to come across that way…WHAT DO I DO?

    Well, I replay the entire encounter over, and over, and over again. Finding all of the moments I should have said or done something different.

    So. Now what?

    Well! I came up with a reason to FB message this person. I’m not even FB friends with her, but I wanted a Do Over! So I messaged her at 2:30am about some random (But relevant! I promise! I wasn’t grasping too much for straws!) issues I could find reason to contact her over. Also – maybe opening up the door for another encounter at which I will HOPEFULLY do a much better impersonation of someone who is NOT a total social reject.

    (For the record – I only tried for a Do Over because this is someone I know I’ll have future interactions with. If I probably won’t ever see the person again? I just add them to the Vault Of People Who Think Kim Is A Social Invalid.)

    That’s the life of someone with social anxieties. We replay encounters over. We hate ourselves in those encounters. And sometimes we find excuses to make another connection again so we can maybe have a do over under more controlled circumstances.

    That’s ALWAYS the issues with me. Throw me in a group of strangers and I’m screwed. BUT! Give me a second chance more one-on-one? And sometimes I can redeem myself.

    Sometimes.

    So! Do you do that? Do you replay and rehash social encounters? My friend recently told me that after a day of meeting/conference type things she had a hard time sleeping because there were SO MANY encounters to rehash! And that RIGHT THERE is why I don’t go to blogging conferences anymore. Too many moments to watch in slow-mo and relive the humiliation OVER and OVER and OVER again.

    What about making up reasons to contact people at 2:30am so you can try to get a second chance to be less of a freakshow? Do you do that part too?

    Here’s to hoping A) She sees the message anyway since we’re not FB friends and B) She doesn’t get too alarmed by the 2:30am timestamp on the message.

    I mean, normal people send FB messages at 2:30am too, right? PLEASE TELL ME THEY DO.