The Perfect Example Of “Mixed Emotions”

Today is the day of my endometrial ablation. I haven’t had anything to eat or drink since midnight (when I wolfed down two protein bars and chugged some water) and the procedure is at noon today. I am feeling the perfect storm of Mixed Emotions about this. One one hand? I’m so ready to have this done. We’ve been talking about it for years and as soon as we decided that we were okay giving up the chances of having more kids, I’ve been counting down the days to get it done. Between my endometriosis, my fibroids, and my ovarian cysts I’ve suffered plenty of the last 8’ish years. Too many days not leaving the house, or leaving the house and regretting it after having an incident. Too many days curled up on the couch with a heating pad, a bottle of ibuprofen, and some sort of crappy television. I am praying with every ounce of my soul that this procedure alleviates a small bit of that suffering. A small bit of relief will do wonders. But there’s a potential it will do more so with a tiny part of my heart, I’m hoping the ablation does even more.

But, of course, that means our days of child-bearing are officially over. We are officially a permanent family of five. This is a beautiful thing, and our two children born after my onslaught of reproductive issues are nothing short of miracles. But I will always feel like our family is incomplete. I always hoped to have one more child with Donnie. But truly? We wanted several more. Like, you know, 50 or so. We bought a giant house to fill with screaming children. And now it just feels like a reminder of what my body failed to give us.

But, of course, that also means no more miscarriages. And one of the things I’ve said 100 times since my miscarriage last year is, “I can not go through that again. That was the last one I could handle. I’ve reached my limit. I came very close to needing to be institutionalized, the next time I’ll definitely need to be.” And every word of that is true. I’ve tolerated plenty of loss over the years but that one? That one was the straw that made the camel collapse to the ground. It didn’t break his back – but one more…one more will. So, ending the child-bearing days has a silver lining, that’s for sure.

Wish us luck. I knew it would be a weird day, emotionally. I was up late with a bit of anxiety relating to non-medical issues and then Wesley had leg cramps during later in the night. So, what was previously going to be a “weird day” emotionally is now going to be the perfect storm of exhaustion and sadness and relief which will inevitably end with me curled up in the fetal position sobbing in the corner of the surgery center waiting room. Send Donnie as many thoughts of Patience and Understanding as you can, because this type of emotional day on less than 3 hours sleep? Is not going to be pretty.