I got my Lexapro refill notification yesterday and I went to pick it up and the cashier showed it to me and said,”Is this your medicine?” But it hit me: I get generic, I have no idea what my medicine is called. I laughed and said, “Ummm…I actually don’t know what my medicine is,” and then – simultaneously – she whispered very quietly and I said out loud, “Generic Lexapro?”
I joked with her that she probably shouldn’t give a woman her medicine that doesn’t know what she’s taking and she laughed and said with generics NO ONE knows what they’re taking anymore!
But you know? I’ve gotten my prescriptions filled there for a decade and they NEVER whisper anything. They say out loud, “Blah Blah Antibiotic is your prescription?” or “Blah Blah cough suppressant?” or “Blah Blah Pain Meds?” loud and clear. But my Lexapro? They take it out of the bag and SHOW IT TO ME. And then when she had to say it out loud she whispered it.
I’m not blaming her, of course. I look at it as a sign that we have SO FAR to come in society and separating shame from mental health. Hell, I am still dealing with so much shame I could write a book about it. So many people came out and told me they were taking Lexapro when I first was prescribed. When I publicly said I didn’t think it was working, several people told me they take 20mg. Did I know any of these people were taking it before? NO. I even found out I had FAMILY on Lexapro and I never knew!
So, here I am. Kim Zoot who takes 20mg of Lexapro a day. This dosage is DEFINITELY making a difference (10mg did NOTHING) although I still have some extreme panic-triggered lows I worry about, my daily normal is definitely above that “Hates Herself and Can’t Breathe From Anxiety” line which is SUCH A GOOD FEELING. All this means is that the serotonin that everyone’s body produces to make them feel BETTER and CALMER, mine doesn’t get reabsorbed as fast anymore. Mine sticks around a little longer than it used it. If you don’t need an SSRI maybe your seratonin naturally stays around longer, but me? My body makes it and then takes it back WAY TOO FAST. This is all chemical and nothing to be ashamed of.
And I have to tell myself that daily because I still am battling my own demons of disappointment and shame. But my alarm goes off at 8:30am and I proudly pop a pill that has helped me breathe again.