Recovery.

I keep feeling like I’m not getting enough time in every day, week, month which is INSANE because I DO NOT HAVE A JOB. How do I feel like time just disappears with my To Do list still looming unchecked? I’m not busy AT ALL, not in the practical sense. But I’ll just realize: Shit. It’s Thursday? Where did my week go? or Wait, is it already time to get the kids from school? Didn’t I just take them like an hour ago?

Part of it is mental health related. I tend to avoid anything that involves people when I’m feeling anxious or depressed which is where I’ve been for awhile now. On the spectrum I’m falling much closer to the “light” side of things than I was 6 months ago, but I’m not functioning anywhere near “optimum” which means I tend to hide from situations where conversation will be mandatory. When you spend your time hiding from people, your chunks of time feel like they disappear because you waste them worrying about the upcoming thing where you might have to converse and be normal. 

And when I’m feeling gray I also – quite literally – lose time to worry. It’s a hard phenomena to explain, but basically I sit frozen in the parking lot of Publix looking for a song to play on Spotify and the next thing I know I’ve wasted 30 minutes trapped, frozen in panic for some imagined threat. 

IT IS SO FUN BEING ME!

But I also realized a real practical explanation this morning, as my alarm went off at 4:15 after a late night of driving where I probably didn’t get to sleep until 11:30pm: I’m losing time to travel-induced exhaustion. Whenever I arrive either in Knoxville or Huntsville, I feel like I need at least half of a day – if not an entire day – to catch up on sleep because I’m often traveling at weird times, or I’m just tired from switching time zones or trying to cram in tons of crap in the few days I was in one town or the other. Sometimes I squeeze in a nap, sometimes I got to bed at 7pm and sleep until 6am. Other times I’m just walking around in an unproductive zombie state trying my best to be functional because I don’t have time to nap or sleep.

So, not only am I losing the 8 hours on the road every week (16 on the weeks I make the trip twice) I’m also losing a whole day (if not more) of just feeling terrible because of a late drive or an exhausting trip.

So I’m going to give myself a little break.

Actually, I’m going to give myself a lot of a break. 

I’m going to try to remember my mental health and evaluate what I need to keep it on the positive end of the spectrum because the last 10 days or so I’ve been slowing creeping down the wrong side. There’s a point on that spectrum where it becomes impossible to pull myself back without the help of medical professionals in terms of therapy or medication and so I’d like to really be conscious of that drift and try to care for myself enough to at least hold in position for a bit. I really need time to bullet journal today. I’m late starting September because I was waiting for my new notebook and it got delayed in shipping and I WILL AVOID TELLING YOU HOW DISRUPTIVE THIS HAS BEEN IN MY LIFE BECAUSE IT IS EMBARRASSING BUT JUST KNOW IT HAS BEEN TERRIBLY DISRUPTING.

I’ll leave you with this final note. Be wary opening Twitter when you’re stopping for a pee break on a late night drive. You might be shocked to see what you tweeted the next morning.

3 Comments

  • Julie a

    Sleep deprivation is a torture device for a reason. When our youngest was an infant I thought I was having a nervous breakdown just from lack of sleep. A friend was just mentioning a family member who had gone into re-hab three times noted that at each facility one of the first things they assessed and analyzed was how much sleep he was getting.
    Hang in there, sleep when you can–extra even–sleep is so important.

  • Amy

    Thank you so much for your post “drawing the line”. I know the comments aren’t open on it so don’t hate me for commenting here…it just really resonated with me in a way nothing else has. Thank you.