Pre-Menopausal Symptomatic Rage + General Anxiety Disorder = Very Weird Compulsions

Donnie and I don’t talk much. Not because we don’t want to, but you know how it is with kids in sports and jobs and running…you find yourself tag-teaming everything so you’re basically passing each other coming and going every day. This morning, we had some time to kinda catch up and I was running through updates on everything with him and it hit me: No wonder my anxiety is skyrocketing past my normal coping mechanisms. I HAVE A LOT OF SHIT STRESSING ME OUT RIGHT NOW.

I have a very close family member who has had to undergo a lot of tests lately with a scary potential diagnosis and we hopefully find out the results of those tests on Friday. Sweetie has good days and bad days. She scared me when she wouldn’t even eat her favorite gross wet food for a whole day, but then last night I brought her home new expensive stuff from Whole Foods and she went to TOWN on it and just the lightness I felt from seeing her eat made me realize how very hard it is going to be to say goodbye to her when the time comes. There’s personal conflicts which I unload upon my poor friends because I am not good at processing personal conflicts without talking about them NONSTOP TO EVERYONE WHO WILL LISTEN. (If you are a friend who has not heard me rant about personal conflicts, YOU ARE LUCKY.) Then there’s the basic Parenting Kids With Strong Emotional Needs stress which has gotten more intense this years as we deal with new schools and harder academic challenges and the beginnings of puberty.

My point? I need to allow myself the mistakes I’m making in my life and not be too hard on myself. I’ve dropped a lot of balls lately, I’ve cried a lot, I’ve tossed and turned and missed sleep a lot, and as I updated Donnie this morning on a bunch of stuff it occurred to me how much I’m really worried about right now and maybe I need to just be kind to myself and love myself and recognize I’m doing the best I can right now with the tools I have and if I resist the urge to hide in the corner from life and keep moving then I’m doing great.

Speaking of not-healthy coping mechanisms I’m trying to resist…

I’ve noticed a new thing lately. When my anxiety starts to really bubble at the surface, I feel this compulsion…and I mean…COMPULSION…to punch something. I stare at walls and windows and just imagine myself punching my fist through them. It’s a very weird new development in my anxiety – one I can’t wait to discuss with my doctor and therapist. I’m certain it is also connected to the pre-menopausal RAGE symptoms I feel sometimes. But it’s a weird compulsion to resist. And punching pillows doesn’t alleviate it, I tried. It’s like my anxiety PISSES ME OFF AND I WANT TO PUNCH A HOLE IN A WALL or something. It’s a weird new development. Anyone else?

Anyway. Thank you for your words of encouragement. Every day that I continue to proceed without hiding under my covers (my normal compulsion which I’ve been fighting for decades) or punching walls, is a good day. Even if I still haven’t been able to fight the compulsion to binge eat to cope with anxiety, at least that’s not as destructive as hiding or punching. At least not yet.

Here’s to coping mechanisms that don’t damage drywall.

14 thoughts on “Pre-Menopausal Symptomatic Rage + General Anxiety Disorder = Very Weird Compulsions

  1. Heather says:

    I know you are essentially vegan and I don’t know where your personal lines are … but smashing/throwing raw eggs is more emotionally rewarding than you might expect. And it is cheaper than drywall. They mess up paint though, so aim for trees.

    • I olive this ones- The next time I have very expired eggs, I will not throw them away. I just have to find a tree my dog can’t get to. She would clean it off. Fortunately I live in a neighborhood where the neighbors wouldn’t think I was weird, they would bring more eggs and join me and cuss louder and with better words than I was using.

  2. Colleen says:

    Feel free to talk to me about your personal conflicts any time! I’m happy to listen. You’ve been so helpful to me listening to mine. I’ve felt like punching things lately some myself, dealing with an impossible person at work who is too far away to address face to face. Maybe we should try one of those free classes at 9 round and get some of that out ! Somehow at least for me, there will be lots of laughs involved. I don’t punch very well ?

  3. vhmprincess says:

    I find it VERY satisfying to throw empty glass bottles into the recycling bin (ours is a super large trash can type, not a small bin) and shatter the dickens out of them.

    • I love thi ones- The next time I have very expired eggs, I will not throw them away. I just have to find a tree my dog can’t get to. She would clean it off. Fortunately I live in a neighborhood where the neighbors wouldn’t think I was weird, they would bring more eggs and join me and cuss louder and with better words than I was using.

    • Yes this is tremendous. I used to do it all the time. I would also name the person or situation that this one is for. The thicker glass ones just bounce, but the thin ones – smash. I take mine to Limestone county bins at the schools, but I imagine that the people at the city recycling center have seen and heard this many times

  4. I found that as I began counseling and meds and started unstuffing feelings, that I discovered that I could get very angry and want to punch walls. Problem was I would hurt my shoulders if I did that . Some things I found.
    Playdoh was very therapeutic
    You couldn’t punch walls, but throwing rocks at telephone poles was good (I live in a subdivision, but not in the city)
    Pillows worked for me
    If the anger was directed toward a person, write them a letter. Mine were mean ,nasty and filled with expletives. Then I took it outside, rumpled it up. put it in a steel bucket,and set it on fire. Watching it burn was great. It also works when part of your body id failing to do what you want it to.
    Find somewhere where no one will come to your rescue and scream. I am thinking empty house in the country. You can take pictures later (Wait want to hit a wall, ……………)
    After any of those find something calming. My go to- the little stuffed animal I kept in my purse. It was always there. Others that worked; sitting alone outside, A walk or run alone in the woods. Sitting outside in a quiet place, a bubble bath,whatever claims you.
    Get your kids and husband to understand that sometimes they need to just get out of your way- they have done nothing . one of my friends had a good trick- She meditated in her bedroom. She would put on headphones,the big ones. When she had them on her teens knew they needed to not bother her unless they were bleeding heavily or the house was burning My thoughts are with you. Raising a pre-teen isn’t easy.

  5. Tonya says:

    Yesterday, I found myself wanting to get out on the tennis court and smash the ball so hard. Work is very stressful right now and there is almost nothing I can do about it and it is extra stressful right now. Too bad my daughter was at a tennis meet and I didn’t have access to a racket to do it. I think the exercise and stress release would have been very good for me.

  6. wendalette says:

    Maybe it’s a sign you should take up kickboxing? Just a thought. I would do it, because I totally want to punch things when I am overwhelmed. But I have no time for it. Hence overwhelmed and stressed. Terrible cycle. Sigh. Hang in there Kim!

  7. wendalette says:

    …but seriously–is there a place in the house you can hang a punching bag? Either the ginormous body size one or the tiny little boxing ball (i forget what it’s called)…

  8. Julie says:

    I too felt like a demon for a while during the beginning of peri-menopausal symptoms. I have since gone to a chiropractor who does nutrition response testing and with supplements and diet change the symptoms all subsided (sugar is BAD! BAD! BAD! and so GOOD!). I just read an article today about how hormone replacement therapies do nothing for some people and are great for others.
    Maybe also consider altering your physical state somehow?

    http://www.drnorthrup.com/abcs-of-hrt/?utm_source=9988964_A_CN&utm_medium=email&utm_content=5612&utm_campaign=email_Newsletter_Northrup_2017&utm_id=5612

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