Donnie and I don’t talk much. Not because we don’t want to, but you know how it is with kids in sports and jobs and running…you find yourself tag-teaming everything so you’re basically passing each other coming and going every day. This morning, we had some time to kinda catch up and I was running through updates on everything with him and it hit me: No wonder my anxiety is skyrocketing past my normal coping mechanisms. I HAVE A LOT OF SHIT STRESSING ME OUT RIGHT NOW.
I have a very close family member who has had to undergo a lot of tests lately with a scary potential diagnosis and we hopefully find out the results of those tests on Friday. Sweetie has good days and bad days. She scared me when she wouldn’t even eat her favorite gross wet food for a whole day, but then last night I brought her home new expensive stuff from Whole Foods and she went to TOWN on it and just the lightness I felt from seeing her eat made me realize how very hard it is going to be to say goodbye to her when the time comes. There’s personal conflicts which I unload upon my poor friends because I am not good at processing personal conflicts without talking about them NONSTOP TO EVERYONE WHO WILL LISTEN. (If you are a friend who has not heard me rant about personal conflicts, YOU ARE LUCKY.) Then there’s the basic Parenting Kids With Strong Emotional Needs stress which has gotten more intense this years as we deal with new schools and harder academic challenges and the beginnings of puberty.
My point? I need to allow myself the mistakes I’m making in my life and not be too hard on myself. I’ve dropped a lot of balls lately, I’ve cried a lot, I’ve tossed and turned and missed sleep a lot, and as I updated Donnie this morning on a bunch of stuff it occurred to me how much I’m really worried about right now and maybe I need to just be kind to myself and love myself and recognize I’m doing the best I can right now with the tools I have and if I resist the urge to hide in the corner from life and keep moving then I’m doing great.
Speaking of not-healthy coping mechanisms I’m trying to resist…
I’ve noticed a new thing lately. When my anxiety starts to really bubble at the surface, I feel this compulsion…and I mean…COMPULSION…to punch something. I stare at walls and windows and just imagine myself punching my fist through them. It’s a very weird new development in my anxiety – one I can’t wait to discuss with my doctor and therapist. I’m certain it is also connected to the pre-menopausal RAGE symptoms I feel sometimes. But it’s a weird compulsion to resist. And punching pillows doesn’t alleviate it, I tried. It’s like my anxiety PISSES ME OFF AND I WANT TO PUNCH A HOLE IN A WALL or something. It’s a weird new development. Anyone else?
Anyway. Thank you for your words of encouragement. Every day that I continue to proceed without hiding under my covers (my normal compulsion which I’ve been fighting for decades) or punching walls, is a good day. Even if I still haven’t been able to fight the compulsion to binge eat to cope with anxiety, at least that’s not as destructive as hiding or punching. At least not yet.
Here’s to coping mechanisms that don’t damage drywall.