I was looking up at a post-storm blue sky yesterday and just breathing in the smell of Spring and trying to deliberately think about breathing in love so that I can exhale it to the world around me. I closed my eyes and really tried to reflect on soaking in some energy as it was that point in the day where I tend to collapse emotionally since I get up so early. I really struggle with post-work energy. I thought about filling my heart with love and joy and so that I could reflect that to my children instead of entering ZOMBIE MODE which is what I tend to do in the evenings.
As I was having this moment, so to speak, it occurred to me: This is my prayer. And I’m directing it inward.
During my religious years I prayed a LOT. God was basically my therapist. I would cry to him and confide in him and I have often thought that the praying part is what I miss the most about religion. I miss not having a concrete format for praying to someone or talking to someone out in the universe somewhere. I know some agnostics have abstract ideas of a God-like being that they pray to, but I don’t really have that. I don’t deny there’s a chance that there could be a power greater than me in the universe; but if it exists, it’s beyond comprehension of my feeble mind so it’s not a source of comfort in the way I need for “prayer.”
But lately I have just been turning my thoughts inward to reflect, and then outward toward the universe. Just almost talking to the world around me. Thinking about the energy I want to give out and the energy I want to soak in. I keep a bullet journal page open on my desk now that says things like, “Breathe, walk, stretch…” to remind me to take a moment and FOCUS on what is bigger than me. I had noticed I was getting wrapped up in the mundane daily to-do lists and forgetting the bigger picture of who I want to be and how I want to influence the world around me. So, I’ve been taking these moments to re-center myself and remind myself that the energy I put out in the world stays there, so I should try to make it positive.
And that is basically what I used to pray for. “God, help me be a better person.” Constantly. I begged for help with everything from lying to abstinence. I would beg for help to stop gossiping and I would pray for discipline for attending mass. I was constantly looking to my God to help make me a better person which is now what I’m doing by turning inward upon my own heart. I’ve essentially started praying to myself. And it feels pretty good.
I AM MY OWN GOD, BOW BEFORE ME, SELF!
I do enjoy the feeling I get though, when I remind myself in those reflective moments to focus on the energy I’m putting out into the universe. It’s like a reboot when I’m dragging through my daily tasks. I actually do this several times a day lately, this praying thing, and I hope to keep up the habit. Especially now that I realize the connection to what religious me used to do. Prayer was a stabilizing force when I believed in God, it only makes sense that it be stabilizing again as I learn to believe in myself.