• I’m Overusing The Shotgun Metaphor, I KNOW.

    transformation

    I set out yesterday to change a million different things: More water, less emotional eating, less diet coke, less beer, less yelling, less body hate, more love, etc. Last night I ate 8 oatmeal raisin cookies and 1 GIANT piece of chocolate cake after dinner. You know, because they were there. (Because I bought them.)

    Obviously…The shotgun pellet labeled “DO NOT EAT YOUR FEELINGS” missed the target yesterday. BUT! The pellets labeled “ONE DIET COKE A DAY” and “NO BEER” and “NO YELLING” — those all hit the target! And the weird thing about that? It leaves me still feeling optimistic today. USUALLY, the day after I eat cake and cookies, I’m feeling pretty shitty and it’s Pizza for Breakfast! (Which is why I’m officially 12lbs heavier today than I was 6 weeks ago. TWELVE POUNDS.) But today, I feel bad about the Eating Of The Feelings that happened last night…but…I’m also proud of the Drinking Of Only One Diet Coke, and the Drinking Of No Beer that happened.

    TransforMAYtion is still on!

    I couldn’t even really pinpoint what triggered my binge yesterday, to be honest. I mean, I kinda know, I made a stupid mistake that made me feel stupid and when I think about how stupid I am I want to eat all of the food. But really, there were so many other good things going on, I’m not sure why that one thing triggered it. But, that’s the thing about triggers, right? They are slight and don’t require much to set them off. The funny thing was, as soon as the mistake was made, I recognized it as a trigger: Oh, crap Kim. That’s totally going to make you eat all of the food tonight. But, I distracted myself immediately and went about other things and I thought I had pushed past the trigger. Alas…hours later I’m eating 8 cookies and buying a giant piece of chocolate cake to stuff in my piehole.

    For the record, I still feel really stupid about my mistake. And now I feel fat and bloated so, Eating My Feelings is really about the dumbest habit a person can have.

    BUT! TransforMAYtion is not just about the food I’m cramming into my face! It’s about many other things, other things that I did well yesterday, so I’m not a failure! Which, hopefully means that when I take a shot at the “BETTER ME” target today, maybe the “NO MORE EATING OF THE FEELINGS” pellet will hit this time. I mean, the target is only 20 feet away! And I’m shooting a shotgun! SOMETHING IS BOUND TO HIT THE TARGET, AM I RIGHT?

    The really good part about yesterday was my Parenting Pellet. I didn’t “YELL” in the sense that I like to avoid. I did raise my voice in frustration because – you know – I have kids and that’s what happens. But no yelling! And I also spent some pointless time cuddling with Wes last night. He is VERY much a cuddler. He has always loved hugs and affection and we get so wrapped up in our lives and our To Do Lists that I don’t really take the time to savor that. He’d hug me all day, if he could. So, last night before bed, I snuggled into a hug with him and just stayed there for a bit. I told him: “You are the best hugger in our family. Uncle Chris is a close second, but you still have the lead.” He enjoyed that and fed me the line he feeds me all the time, “You are my best Mommy.”

    I’m trying to be, Kid. I’m trying to be.