I’m very frustrated lately at all of the backtracking I’ve been doing in my life. My efforts to be a better Mom/Wife/Runner/Eater have all backslidden and I found myself stress eating a box of donuts in my car again yesterday. It was like “Throwback Tuesday – Food Addict Style”.
But I woke up this morning reminding myself: There is no “final” version of me. I don’t get to just say, “All right! This is it! This is the final Zoot Release package! No improvements needed!” Nope. That’s not me. That’s not reality. That’s not life. Backsliding is just part of the cycle of improving myself and I can either wallow in those failures or I can acknowledge them and move on, move forward, move SOMEWHERE other than the land of self-hatred.
My training has been faltering. My diet has been horrendous. My parenting has been embarrassing. But I recognize that. I see those things and I can also see all of the progress I have made in improving all of those areas and JUST because I’m backsliding, doesn’t erase all of the progress I made in any of those areas before.
So. Back to the grindstone. I didn’t run this morning but I’m going to try to later. I’m going to remember that I like my kids, even if they yell and punch me in anger sometimes. (Yes. We’re back in that phase again. I thought it was gone for good. Nope. WHEEE!) I’m going to try to eat for my BODY and not for my ANXIETY. (My anxiety likes donuts. My body likes beans.) I’m going to allow myself failures but NOT allow those failures to erase the pride I should feel over past successes.
And I’m going to smile more. I’ve been stressed lately thinking about my inadequacies. I miss my smile. I deliberately tried to smile more yesterday and it made me feel so much better. Such a simple thing. But such a necessary one.