• Starting Over.

    Today’s Subtraction Project prompt on Instagram mentions starting the day on the right foot…which I do almost EVERY day. I LOVE MORNINGS. Mornings are so full of potential and excitement and I haven’t screwed anything up yet! YAY ME!

    But the text she put as a caption to the photo was even better:

    Start over if necessary. I speak from experience: I ran into a revolving door a minute ago. If I let that set the tone for today it would not be looking so good. #subtractionproject #morelove

    The starting OVER. That’s the part I have a hard time with. Whether it’s getting disappointed in my lack of success on my New Year’s Resolutions, or just mad that I had already eating 3000 calories by lunch time – once I’ve failed? I write the whole segment of time off.

    If I haven’t stuck to my 2014 goals to the letter every second of every day? Then I give up on all of them.

    If I binge eat 4 peanut butter sandwiches driving carpool in the morning? Then I binge eat the rest of the day.

    I have these segments of time associated with goals: Days, Weeks, Months, Years…and if I fall off course during that segment of time? Then I don’t even bother getting back on.

    Starting Over.

    Why do I have such a hard time allowing myself to do that? I really blame 95% of my inability to reach goals on that one simple thing: The inability to START OVER.

    That’s why I like the idea of TransforMAYtion, where we just try to do EVERYTHING different in May so there’s no strict “goals” – just try to transform outlooks and attitudes about EVERYTHING. There’s no: Lose 10lbs or Run Every Day…instead we’re just trying to, in that moment, change the way we do something.

    Unfortunately, I’m still such a “timeline” and “goal” person it’s hard for me to be that free about it all. Which is why I have a hard time starting over.

    A few nights ago I did a great job with wrestling my emotional eating demons. I stayed on track all day. Then, I went to book club and there was tons of yummy food there. I ate one plate and thought, “Well! You’ve screwed up the day now!” so I went back for three more. And then I went home and at 6 cookies. I WASN’T EVEN HUNGRY FOR ANY OF IT. But because I had that ONE plate of cakes/cookies/etc I was like, “Welp! Day is screwed up! EAT ALL OF THE FOODS.”

    Instead of eating that one plate, ignoring whether or not that was “good” or “bad” and simply starting over.

    NOPE. The day either stays ALL the way on course (like yesterday!) or the day veers off somewhere early and I never try to get back on.

    Maybe the trick is to set my SECONDARY goal to ALWAYS be: STARTING OVER.

    I’ll trick myself.

    GOAL 1: Don’t Binge Eat
    GOAL 2: Start Over

    SO! If I screw up on Goal 1, then I can trick myself into thinking WAIT! I can still make goal 2! So, it’s like I’ve given myself TWO paths to the end of a GOOD DAY in terms of NOT eating all my feelings. I can either 1) Not Binge Eat or 2) Binge Eat Once But Then Start Over!

    I always worry about PLANNING on what to do if I binge eat because I worry that gives myself permission to do just that. BUT – the other way has not worked. If I don’t make a plan for IF I get off track, then WHEN I get off track I just stay off all day. Hopefully, by going in with a plan: START OVER then it won’t encourage me to binge eat, but if I do, then I’ll allow myself to start over.

    Maybe?

    I have no idea. I’m basically a big giant ball of nonsense and I’m trying to make it all rational.

    Either way. I’m going to try to ALWAYS have the secondary goal on any timeline to be: START OVER. So that if I screw up (which I will eventually) I can just start over instead of throwing it all to the win and gaining back the 10lbs I fought so hard to lose.