I’m without a job as of tomorrow.
I’ve known for 2 weeks now but this is the first time I’m writing about it here because I’m suffering incredible writer’s block as this shit clogs up my creative brain and I just know I have to put it on paper to reignite the rest of my writing synapses.
(In desperation I almost wrote a post about chocolate milk yesterday. Chocolate. Milk. WHAT DOES CHOCOLATE MILK HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?)
I haven’t talked about this publicly yet because I was already really suffering with some anxiety issues and – while I am leaving things on good terms and have good references from this job – it is not what I wanted, so I am taking a huge hit to my already fragile ego. I’m not planning on talking about it on Facebook unless I get desperate for help finding more work, mainly because I just have decided Facebook is no longer a “safe place” for me, so to speak. I can’t trust that the people reading those words love me.
Which is HILARIOUS because Facebook is closed off to anyone not my “friend” and this blog is 100% out in the open and YET I TRUST THE VAST EXPANSE OF THE OPEN INTERNET MORE THAN MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY ON FACEBOOK.
What does that say about my feelings regarding Facebook right now? IT SAYS A LOT.
You know what says even more? I’ve been making sure newsletters from my favorite organizations are not getting spammed in my inbox, or making sure I haven’t accidentally unsubscribed, because I need ways to keep up with events and such without logging into the platform that DOES NOTHING BUT MAKE ME HATE THE WORLD.
That’s what I have come to…subscribing to annoying newsletters so I can avoid Facebook LIKE THE DAMN PLAGUE.
ANYWAY…I AM OUT OF WORK!
Part of my negative self-image issues lately have had to do with not feeling like my family truly needs me in any way. I mean, practically speaking I see that I am the one that does laundry and helps with homework, but a small part of me is not 100% certain that my family would be affected negatively if I weren’t here. Many days that broken part of my soul feels like I do more harm than good, and now that I’m not even contributing financially those thoughts have jumped into overdrive.
Now, there is a large part of me who does NOT believe this. But in the wake of the news about the job, I find that part has grown silent and I would like it to step up and remind me periodically that I am/was worth more to my family than just my paycheck.
“I’m not the money-maker in my marriage,” is something I’ve said a few times recently when this new situation has come up in conversation. And this is very true so I don’t have to fret about losing our house or anything over my lack of an immediate income, but this is now a burden on the family. Especially on my husband who I feel like drew the shortest of straws in the wife department already with someone who has copious amounts of emotional issues, has gained almost 50lbs in the last 2 years, and now is not even contributing financially to the household. He works too hard to have a wife like me.
Uggg. It got dark here real fast, didn’t it?
I’m not all terrible. I’ve got a wicked sense of humor when I’m not wanting to hide under the bed to avoid facing the world.
There is always a silver lining and I’m hoping to focus on my writing a little bit and get some stuff ready to send off as examples. I’m currently fine-tuning an essay about chocolate milk.
(SEE! I’M FUNNY!)
Unfortunately, that does not make any money in the interim, so I’m hoping to find some part time work or even more freelance web development work that I can do from home. I feel like our lives were at their best…when I was able to work from home. I was able to make money but still able to keep up with housework and childcare so I felt more useful than ever before.
I had a dream last night that the department I worked at in college had some sort of alumni event and I only knew about it because they invited Donnie but they did not invite me and when I asked why they said, “We don’t really consider you a graduate we are proud of.”
SO THAT IS WHERE MY SUBCONSCIOUS IS RIGHT NOW.
My husband made me laugh last night. I was watching “Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee” and I had paused the TV to do something. I was facing him in the kitchen and he laughed said, “He looks like he’s enjoying a long peaceful fart.” I looked at Samson (who I assumed was the “he” in the statement) and was very confused. Then I looked at the TV I saw I had paused it on Jerry Seinfeld with the most hilarious – Peaceful Fart – expression on his face.
And I giggled and then started cracking up. Partly at the situation and me looking at the dog first, and partly because Donnie nailed the description of that pause screen so perfectly, and partly just imagining if that really WAS what Seinfeld was doing in that moment. It all just tickled me so much.
And it felt weird. I’ve laughed so little lately, that it felt weird. My husband is a funny man, I should be laughing all the time, but I guess I haven’t really lately. And I fear with this latest work development the laughter is going to be even more sparse.
So, there’s no point here, really. Just to clear out the clogs in my writing brain by putting this on paper. And just to let you know I could use some positive thoughts of employment in the direction of North Alabama if you have any extras to spare.