I walked by a fresh patch of mulch this weekend. Fresh mulch is one of those visual and olfactory triggers which just makes me so VERY PEACEFUL. Maybe it’s because I hate yard work so much, and fresh mulch over flowerbeds always meant I could ignore them for quite some time. Maybe it’s because it makes death look beautiful. I mean, those are remnants of dead plants and yet…YET…mulch can add so much life to a flowerbed.
I paused on the sidewalk in the drizzle and gray of an Alabama winter day (not too cold, but definitely not warm) and looked at that mulch and suddenly I found myself fighting the urge to curl up and just sleep on it and stay there forever.
I actually stopped, turned, and looked at it longingly as cars and people moved around me.
Maybe if it wasn’t along this busy street with tons of foot traffic…
That was the only thought I had keeping me from just giving up and sleeping in the dirt. Too many people would see me. If I had found that mulch in a secret garden that no one had access to but me? I might not have ever left.
I mean, practically speaking I knew there would be no STAY THERE FOREVER option in that soft mulch, but that didn’t stop me from truly wanting to just put down my reusable bag filled with my recent grocery purchases, wrap my hoodie over my head, and just say goodbye to the world around me. It just looked so soft and inviting and the SMELL! It was calling my name.
This is what I mean when I say my depression and anxiety lately has just made me so VERY tired.
I gained another pound which puts my average around 1lb a week since September. I’m now at 45+ where I was two years ago and I really need to stop this trend before it destroys me.
It’s already destroying me.
I can’t get comfortable, none of my clothes fit (I did buy a few pieces over the last few months but some of them are getting too small), I get winded easily and I hate my reflection. Not because this body is terrible, but because it’s a body that reminds me about my weaknesses and my sadness and my exhaustion.
I’m going to try to focus on food logging this week. My eating has been so out of control I don’t even know how much I’m eating anymore. It’s just a comfort action at this point, something I feel like I need to be doing all-day to keep the gray away. Eating is a thing happy people do, so I do it all the time, which is actually a thing sad people often do.
It looks like today is going to be sunny and beautiful. I plan to run after work. At least a little bit. I’m telling you this so you can hold me accountable. If you don’t see me post a running photo on instagram, then I let the bad voices make the decision for me. The ones that tell me it’s not worth it and what’s the point. Those voices guide many of my bad decisions and I can’t silence them completely but I’d like to at least silence them enough to enjoy a short run/walk on a beautiful January day in Alabama. We don’t get a lot of those (our winters tend to be gray) and I don’t want to miss the opportunity.