zoot

I'm addicted to superhero movies, donuts, craft beer, playing in the woods, and reading YA fiction. I'm a writer by day and a dreamer by night.

OMIGOD.

Nikki and I went out to dinner and a show last night and didn’t get home and to bed until 11pm so I “let myself sleep in” and didn’t get up until 4am so I’m skipping packing lunches this morning so I can make sure I have time to update this ole blog before going for a run.

Yesterday went well. Days I eat right and run always go better than other days. I printed 3 pages of licensed counselors, Psychiatrists, and Psychologists that are covered by my insurance. I got frustrated though because the first few counselors I googled were all faith-based so I skipped that list and went to the Psych portion. The first few I googled specialized in childhood behavior disorders so those wouldn’t work. The, while going through the lists and noticing a bunch of doctors using the same addresses, I TWO “groups” that had several doctors covered. Since I didn’t have time to Google everyone I decided to call both of those offices and just see if they could see who was covered and tell them if any of them specialize in People Like Me. I called both and got put on a phone line to leave my name/number for a follow-up.

That’s where we’re at. I’m hoping I get follow-ups today as I didn’t call until about 2pm yesterday.

I do feel like there has to be a better system than calling ON THE PHONE and then having to say, “I need a therapist,” because JEEZUS I avoided that. I used the word “counselor” which was confusing because I was calling about a Psychiatrist at the one number so I need to just OWN it. “My name is Kim. Life is hard for me right now. I Need someone to help me.”

And thank you for everyone who reached out and encouraged me not to avoid meds. I explained to some of you – it’s a weird hang-up I have. In my head, no matter how bad it gets, I just say, “If it gets worse I’ll get a therapist, and then if it gets worse I’ll get meds.” So those are my safety nets and I’m landing on “therapist” one first but knowing that “medication” one is still there is good and weirdly comforting. I have this anxiety that if I start taking meds and I’m still having waves OF THE KRAZEE then what? WHAT IF I AM UNFIXABLE?

I know. Dumb. But the explanation to the order of things. I also have fears of side effects and the neutralizing of other extreme parts of my mind that I like, but we’ll save that for another day.

SO. I made steps. And I knew you guys would be making sure I did so I’m making time after a late night to post about it here. Thank you all for making me feel less crazy. I have a select few close influences that sometimes ride the “Just be happy!” or “Just exercise!” or “Just eat better!” train so it’s hard having those voices not in my head all the time. Thank you for telling me the other side.

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14 comments on “OMIGOD.

  1. Thumbs up for trying! Thanks for the update. You have lots of cheerleaders out here in the interwebs.

  2. Our insurance company has a “life coach” or something like that that they’re always trying to encourage us to utilize. Can you call your insurance company directly (I know, another phone call!) and maybe they can guide you to the right person?

    Thinking good thoughts for you.

    1. This is brilliant. I made the call a few years ago to get a counselor and surprised myself by choking up on the call. There’s so much emotion tied up with the decision. So hooray Zoot for making those first calls!

  3. Congrats on making the call! I saw a counselor for a while, but never really made that call. We saw the first one in reference to some issues my child was having. Then she recommended I work with someone else in the practice. I’m now working with a coach through work, who does some of the same things as the counselor, but who tends to give me practical somewhat work related homework between visits. Work is where my biggest stressors are at the moment.

  4. Way to go! I know it probably seems like you did a lot of work for nothing, but you’re taking steps toward getting better and that’s nothing to sneeze at. Just remember, medication is not a bad thing or necessarily a last resort. If you hurt your knee running, your doctor might put you on steroids for the swelling BEFORE sending you to a physical therapist, right? And if the therapy “fails” or the meds “fail,” that doesn’t mean you’re somehow unfixable, it just means you haven’t found the RIGHT therapist or the right drug and you keep looking. Don’t give up!

  5. I have a name of a psychiatrist, if you would like it. Keep in mind, she is an MD though, she deals with meds and not talk therapy. She can refer you to a therapist though. she gave me a name, but I’ve never called. I felt like I missed too much work for appointments already, I couldn’t devote the time to therapy.

  6. Congrats. What you’re doing is hard. I hope you are giving yourself some credit for making a change.

  7. Nice work! It’s hard to take care of yourself when you’re taking care of everyone else. I struggle with binge eating and I find that it’s the sadness and anxiety that cause my “bad” eating rather than the other way around. For me binging is a way of avoiding my feelings in the moment. Which then starts a shame spiral of more bad feelings and binging episodes. Just try to give yourself permission that it’s not lack of willpower to “just” eat right and exercise that’s preventing you from shaking the sads – it’s all balled up together and it’s okay to need help. If it was easy to fix on your own, it wouldn’t be so difficult, you know? If that makes sense. I’m rooting for you!

  8. So, this is going to sound weird coming from a (long-time) blog follower, but I’m going to just put it out there. I loooove doing research, and am really good at getting to the bottom of things online. Plus, I also HATE making phone calls, and have been exactly where you are right now.

    Sooo…if you want to email me your list of potential counselors, I’d be happy to put them into a pretty Google Doc with a bunch of research about them, including website links, phone numbers, hours of operation, and any faith-based mentions…if that helps.

    Like I said, a weird offer from a virtual stranger, but I’ve been there before and I really, really would be happy to help.

  9. I hate the phone so you get huge kudos from me just for making the calls. And from this side of things, it seems like you’ve tried all the “justs” and you’re paying attention to the only one you’re not already doing, so what more can you “just” do??? I liked your analogy yesterday but most everyone I know needed a the outside help to even take many of those steps you’re already taking! I know it’s hard to ask for this but that’s society’s problem. You’re already running the 100 miles, is it so bad to ask someone else to come along for five to make it easier? (There is my pathetic attempt at both a race analogy and a pep talk… Good luck and keep us updated!)

  10. You may need both. One for then diagnoses and meds, another for the talk. It is brave to make this move. Just call and say I would like to make an appt. Start with the Dr. He/she will have a list of counselors or may have one in the group. No its not fun going through this process. But its necessary. Take care of yourself.

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