Nikki and I went out to dinner and a show last night and didn’t get home and to bed until 11pm so I “let myself sleep in” and didn’t get up until 4am so I’m skipping packing lunches this morning so I can make sure I have time to update this ole blog before going for a run.
Yesterday went well. Days I eat right and run always go better than other days. I printed 3 pages of licensed counselors, Psychiatrists, and Psychologists that are covered by my insurance. I got frustrated though because the first few counselors I googled were all faith-based so I skipped that list and went to the Psych portion. The first few I googled specialized in childhood behavior disorders so those wouldn’t work. The, while going through the lists and noticing a bunch of doctors using the same addresses, I TWO “groups” that had several doctors covered. Since I didn’t have time to Google everyone I decided to call both of those offices and just see if they could see who was covered and tell them if any of them specialize in People Like Me. I called both and got put on a phone line to leave my name/number for a follow-up.
That’s where we’re at. I’m hoping I get follow-ups today as I didn’t call until about 2pm yesterday.
I do feel like there has to be a better system than calling ON THE PHONE and then having to say, “I need a therapist,” because JEEZUS I avoided that. I used the word “counselor” which was confusing because I was calling about a Psychiatrist at the one number so I need to just OWN it. “My name is Kim. Life is hard for me right now. I Need someone to help me.”
And thank you for everyone who reached out and encouraged me not to avoid meds. I explained to some of you – it’s a weird hang-up I have. In my head, no matter how bad it gets, I just say, “If it gets worse I’ll get a therapist, and then if it gets worse I’ll get meds.” So those are my safety nets and I’m landing on “therapist” one first but knowing that “medication” one is still there is good and weirdly comforting. I have this anxiety that if I start taking meds and I’m still having waves OF THE KRAZEE then what? WHAT IF I AM UNFIXABLE?
I know. Dumb. But the explanation to the order of things. I also have fears of side effects and the neutralizing of other extreme parts of my mind that I like, but we’ll save that for another day.
SO. I made steps. And I knew you guys would be making sure I did so I’m making time after a late night to post about it here. Thank you all for making me feel less crazy. I have a select few close influences that sometimes ride the “Just be happy!” or “Just exercise!” or “Just eat better!” train so it’s hard having those voices not in my head all the time. Thank you for telling me the other side.